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On the off chance this isn't troll bait. It doesn't matter what any of us think, what matters is what kind of relationship the OP and her son have. Has it always been contentious? Has the relationship recently changed? Are there other players entering the picture? If the two of them can't figure it out for themselves, and if they both value their relationship, then some family counseling may be beneficial. IMHO, it sounds like there is resentment on the part of the OP, for having to raise a kid on her own, and now that responsibility is done. BTW, we have two sons, one was ready to exert his independence at 18, he just wanted to be on his own, but he turned out fine, has a nice family and a good job. Our other son lived with us until he was about 25, we didn't mind, he didn't take advantage of us, it was comforting having him around, he always had a job and eventually found work he enjoyed doing and is doing well today, on his own. Every family has it's own unique personality, never one size fits all.
I will defend you OP! My parents didn't offer me a place to stay when I graduated college and I turned out just fine. While still IN school I made sure to find a "real" job post graudation and started said job the day I turned 22. I will admit, I stayed 4 months at my sisters house while I found an apartment and waited for my lease to start.
Tough love parenting is something I agree with and I don't think a 23 year old who is college educated has any reason to need to rely on someone.
Here is the part where I don't agree with you OP. You obviously created this monster so you need to be sure you suck it up and present a solution to the matter. 1) I think you should let him continue to stay until he gets the job he needs to afford a better living on his own. 2) HELP him through the process of finding said job, that in my opinion should be part of your duties as a parent and it's something my parents never did. Wish they had! 3) Once he has said job, provide clear expectations on when he needs to leave.
Before a bunch of you misunderstand what I mean by help him through the process of finding a job. I mean, coach him through the process of searching for a real job and the interview process. Have him join LinkedIn, search the jobs section. Indeed.com is another great resource which he should take advantage of. Once he gets to the interview process, coach him through some of the questions and ensure he understands that he needs to dress nice, bring copies of resumes in a nice binder to the interview. After the interview is over make sure he sends out thank you letters to those who interviewed him. Be polite and courteous. All of the things that we as Adults now are customary but a 23 year old who has never had a real job isn't quite aware of.
Yes, the bolded is what people are objecting to, mainly. You invited him to stay with you, then pulled a sudden switcheroo. He had no warning this was coming, so he may not have enough saved for first and last month's rent + damage deposit. A sudden switcheroo is an unreasonable and unrealistic way to handle the situation.
Don't forget that if his college is located in the region where you live, he can use the free services of their job placement office, for job leads. Even if he has a "generic" BA, something that isn't very career-oriented, they can help with job suggestions, if he's flexible about what he'll accept. They also offer resume-writing workshops for free. He can also contact the academic adviser in his program to ask what kinds of jobs in the field other graduates have found.
Indeed.com is a good source of job listings, and college career advisors also suggest Craigslist. There are very good, legitimate jobs listed there, along with some questionable ones. There are also temp agencies, whose temp placements can lead to permanent positions.
This is not the correct way to live. It is how it is done in many countries, and those societies are incorrect to do things that way. The American model is the correct model. And it matches what we see in nature with other animals. You raise the your kids to live, then kick them out and let them live. You don't manufacturer caretakers for your old age. That is such an evil concept.
Who says what is the "correct model" for a family? Some animals kill their own young too but we don't do that. If you like the American detached way fine, but there are many families who would choose to disagree with you. Do what you want but don't condemn others with what you think is right. And the whole "manufacturing caretakers for your old age" is a total misunderstanding. You don't get that some family relationships are very warm and close to where children, because they were loved and nurtured and shown grace even when they were 18 and not making enough to be on their own, WANT to help their parents and take care of them. In families there is a give and take of love and caring that not everyone I guess has experienced. I read the senior forums here and it's amazing how many seniors are scared and alone and wondering why their kids aren't taking care of them. Maybe if we had better family connections Medicaid wouldn't be so strapped having to pay for people's rest homes.
This is not the correct way to live. It is how it is done in many countries, and those societies are incorrect to do things that way. The American model is the correct model. And it matches what we see in nature with other animals. You raise the your kids to live, then kick them out and let them live. You don't manufacturer caretakers for your old age. That is such an evil concept.
Every family is different, and just because they do that, doesn't mean the kids are coddled and spoiled and lack a work ethic.
You're not in charge of saying what the correct or wrong model is either.
Quit the judgmental posts. I get that it's pretty much the only thing you know HOW to post, but it's getting tiresome.
This is not the correct way to live. It is how it is done in many countries, and those societies are incorrect to do things that way. The American model is the correct model. And it matches what we see in nature with other animals. You raise the your kids to live, then kick them out and let them live. You don't manufacturer caretakers for your old age. That is such an evil concept.
Yes and that 70's TV show called the Waltons is plain evil.
For Example- John Boy helped out with his siblings growing up. Lived at home as an adult until he became a Journalist. Even saved up enough living at home for free to buy his own printing press and started his own newspaper.
And that Mary Ellen, how dare she live at home well into her 20's using her parents as free rent to become a Nurse?? It's shocking I say!! I cannot bear the thought of it. All while these wicked parents cared for the grandparents under the same roof!!!
What do you mean by "such a thing"? You think I'm unreasonable for wanting a 23-year-old man not to live off me like a little boy? Ask anyone who was kids over the age of 22 if they still want their kids living with them. We'll always love our kids more than anything but our kids are going to outlive us. That's why it's important for our kids to become self-sufficient. And you know what else? I'm getting to be an old woman(I'm 53), which means I'm not going to be around much longer and so I want to enjoy a relaxing life while I can.
Well, you and I have very different takes on this situation.
My son moved back home after college, and stayed with us while doing an unpaid internship -- which eventually led to a great job out-of-state. I loved having my son at home -- he was company while my husband was working on an out-of-state project and my daughter was in college -- and it was wonderful to have one-on-one time with him and get to know the man he was becoming, after only seeing him in fits-and-starts while he was away at college. We would go to movies together, try new restaurants together, and take the dog to the dog park or walking by the river. He was also busy with his friends, so it wasn't as if I was his only friend, or he was mine :-) I really, really missed him when he moved out of state -- so happy for him that he got the job of his dreams, but I did miss having him around.
My daughter moved back home after college to establish her therapy practice, and after a couple of years, she moved out. I missed her, too -- we would go shopping, meet for lunch (she was often near by office), try out craft projects together, and go to arts-and-crafts fairs together.
Both kids were helpful around the house, and my daughter even enjoyed cooking, so we shared that chore.
To say that, at 53, you are "getting to be an old woman" is ridiculous. Age is a number -- if you WANT to be an old lady, that's your attitude, and that's on you. Not going to be around much longer? Honey, unless you have a terminal disease, you might be around for ANOTHER 40 YEARS.
Yes and that 70's TV show called the Waltons is plain evil.
For Example- John Boy helped out with his siblings growing up. Lived at home as an adult until he became a Journalist. Even saved up enough living at home for free to buy his own printing press and started his own newspaper.
And that Mary Ellen, how dare she live at home well into her 20's using her parents as free rent to become a Nurse?? It's shocking I say!! I cannot bear the thought of it. All while these wicked parents cared for the grandparents under the same roof!!!
You're right. I am going to have to go back to my archives of 70s television to gain a more advanced understanding of correct morality and proper parenting skills. OK, so let's just do that. Where to start... OK, let's do it alphabetically.
35% of millennials live at home with their parents. Thats more than the number living with a significant other. I never lived at home with my parents post college, but that is because I live in a different state. If I lived in the same state I would have absolutely lived at home and put that rent money to student loans, as I have many friends doing.
It isn't our fault that college is much more expensive now than back when you went to school and we finance it with Debt. It isn't our fault that the Job market stinks. Millennials are the first downwardly mobile generation in American History.
Millennials aren't the generation that is trying to "Protect our property values" at the expense of keeping younger buyers out of the market.
None of this is an excuse for not getting a big boy job and making the most of the situation we are dealt, and most Millennials who live with their parents dont just sit around playing xbox all day, most of them are making a rational decision.
I personally don't understand the "kick them out at 18, i've done my job" parenting. I mean, its family. Roles change over time, some gradually some more abruptly, but you are all on the same team.
I remember one of my buddies from college parents kicked him off the cell phone plan right after graduation. Mine just asked me to chip in for the cost of the extra line. It's cheaper than getting my own plan, and if i pay for my part it doesn't cost them any extra.
Hi,
I have been looking at this thread for a few days and picked your response somewhat randomly.
If the parents and grown children are getting along it is a beautiful thing. There is nothing nicer than family working together.
In the OP's situation there seems to be, to put in mildly, a lack of respect from the full-grown son. Children don't come home and dictate the rules. The argument that the mother's statement "you can stay as long as you like" formed a contract in perpetuity is just plain silly. Whether or not the mother paid for his education having a bearing on his "rights" is equally ridiculous.
Whatever the situation is with the local economy there is no reason for an adult to expect to be supported by their mother. I just cannot conceive an argument to the contrary.
As an aside I don't understand your ""protect our property values" at the expense of keeping younger buyers out of the market" argument. Do you suggest that older homeowners sell their property at less than market value to aid the downtrodden youth?
The only reason I exercise and eat healthy is so I can live long enough to see the current crop of twenty-somethings grow up and have their own kids. I live for the day when I can say to them "Not so f...ing funny now is it?"
Have a great weekend.
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