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What do you mean by "such a thing"? You think I'm unreasonable for wanting a 23-year-old man not to live off me like a little boy? Ask anyone who was kids over the age of 22 if they still want their kids living with them. We'll always love our kids more than anything but our kids are going to outlive us. That's why it's important for our kids to become self-sufficient. And you know what else? I'm getting to be an old woman(I'm 53), which means I'm not going to be around much longer and so I want to enjoy a relaxing life while I can.
I figured you were a baby boomer... I guess their selfishness is seeping into other generations now. /smh
Look, your kid went to college, good on him. Fewer and fewer young men are doing that these days. Unfortunately, there isn't exactly a surplus of well paying jobs, and I don't know what his major was in so who knows what he's qualified to do.
Should you have said he could stay forever, no, but I don't think kicking him out after 2 months is going to get you anywhere. Why not just start charging rent, and gradually increasing that based on his ability to pay. At some point, your rate will equal or exceed the market rate. I can't imagine any 23 yo man would want to live with mommy for long (bringing girls home would be awkward, no?).
Surely there's a better solution than adding to the homeless.
Pretty sad that so many parents here would be so quick to go back on their word to their own kid, without any discussion, and for no reason other than their own convenience.
35% of millennials live at home with their parents. Thats more than the number living with a significant other. I never lived at home with my parents post college, but that is because I live in a different state. If I lived in the same state I would have absolutely lived at home and put that rent money to student loans, as I have many friends doing.
It isn't our fault that college is much more expensive now than back when you went to school and we finance it with Debt. It isn't our fault that the Job market stinks. Millennials are the first downwardly mobile generation in American History.
Millennials aren't the generation that is trying to "Protect our property values" at the expense of keeping younger buyers out of the market.
None of this is an excuse for not getting a big boy job and making the most of the situation we are dealt, and most Millennials who live with their parents dont just sit around playing xbox all day, most of them are making a rational decision.
I personally don't understand the "kick them out at 18, i've done my job" parenting. I mean, its family. Roles change over time, some gradually some more abruptly, but you are all on the same team.
I remember one of my buddies from college parents kicked him off the cell phone plan right after graduation. Mine just asked me to chip in for the cost of the extra line. It's cheaper than getting my own plan, and if i pay for my part it doesn't cost them any extra.
My son was 21 when he finished his 2 year trade schooling, and had a guaranteed job offer to start right after that. What did he do? Looked for a condo, asked me for a $5000 loan for the down payment which I gave him, bought the condo, had two room mates move in who paid him rent, repaid the loan within 6 months, got established in his career, bought a house, sold the condo and he was off and running. He never, ever rented.
He couldn't wait to get out of the house and on his own.
Almost the same scenario with me. Worked a lot of overtime to cobble together a down payment and purchased my own home at 21. The only time I moved back in with my divorced mother was when I sold my condo and transitioned to living in Texas. Other than those six months (which I paid $500/mo), I've lived on my own. It wasn't easy being a single homeowner, shouldering all of the many expenses, but moving back into my mom's home was never an option. And we have a great relationship for the most part.
No, she changed her mind. That is not a change in circumstance. If she had lost her job, or been forced to move to a smaller apartment, or become disabled, that would be a change of circumstance. She's allowed to change her mind, but she handled this badly, and went back on her word. It's not a matter of what she "can" do, it's a matter of what she "should" do. She shouldn't have left it open-ended from the beginning. When she changed her mind, she should have sat him down, and told him that, and discussed a reasonable time frame for him to move out. She didn't. She gave him a short deadline. I was raised to treat family better than that. I was raised to treat everyone better than that.
circumstance
noun
1.
a condition, detail, part, or attribute, with respect to time, place, manner,agent, etc., that accompanies, determines, or modifies a fact or event; a modifying or influencing factor:
Do not judge his behavior without considering every circumstance.
2.
Usually, circumstances. the existing conditions or state of affairs surrounding and affecting an agent:
Circumstances permitting, we sail on Monday.
3.
an unessential or secondary accompaniment of any fact or event; minor detail:
The author dwells on circumstances rather than essentials.
4.
circumstances, the condition or state of a person with respect to income and material welfare:
a family in reduced circumstances.
5.
an incident or occurrence:
His arrival was a fortunate circumstance.
6.
detailed or circuitous narration; specification of particulars:
The speaker expatiated with great circumstance upon his theme.
It doesn't look like the OP will back to offer clarification, so why don't you tell me how you know the intimate details of their situation such that you can claim with certainty that there was no change in circumstances (as defined by you above).
How about when you are old ,, ill and no one there for you and your son is not even talking to you? have think about that at all? When you healthy young it is easy to kick your kids out of the house like dogs and cats but when that time comes you may suffer with regrets.
A parent's job is not to create kids to take care of him when he is old. The job is to create strong, independent, autonomous, competent, effective, functional adults that can make their way in the world and address the many and varied challenges and adversities that affect all of us. It is preposterous and immoral to expect your kids to take care of you when you are old. Nonetheless, if you create the type of child above, he will probably have the gratitude and character to help you out if he or she can when you are old. But YOU are responsible for your old age, the eventual illnesses, and your death, NOT your kids.
I come from an old-fashioned European family that is very clannish and opposite of the American concept of family. People forget that it was very common for families to come to America and stick together. You still see that with many Asian families. I know of several who come here, pool all their resources (live together in one big house, buy a nail salon/dry cleaner/convenience store) and all work together so that they can eventually branch out, get educations and be successful on their own. Grown children live at home and help with grandparents, grandparents help with looking after younger children, etc. It's the family way and in no circumstance would any of them think it's wrong or weird or co-dependent. Now the American concept of family is one that is very independent and detached. Somehow when your kid is 18 you are supposed to kick them out and expect them to make it totally on their own. If that is your concept of family fine, but don't be puzzled when your kids are very detached from you later in life and have nothing to do with you. And don't condemn others who have a different concept of family, one where respectful and warm relationships exist between parents and grown children who all choose to live under one roof and pool resources.
This is not the correct way to live. It is how it is done in many countries, and those societies are incorrect to do things that way. The American model is the correct model. And it matches what we see in nature with other animals. You raise the your kids to live, then kick them out and let them live. You don't manufacturer caretakers for your old age. That is such an evil concept.
He's not 18, he's 23. I thought I'd made that clear.
AND College educated at that!
I will defend you OP! My parents didn't offer me a place to stay when I graduated college and I turned out just fine. While still IN school I made sure to find a "real" job post graudation and started said job the day I turned 22. I will admit, I stayed 4 months at my sisters house while I found an apartment and waited for my lease to start.
Tough love parenting is something I agree with and I don't think a 23 year old who is college educated has any reason to need to rely on someone.
Here is the part where I don't agree with you OP. You obviously created this monster so you need to be sure you suck it up and present a solution to the matter. 1) I think you should let him continue to stay until he gets the job he needs to afford a better living on his own. 2) HELP him through the process of finding said job, that in my opinion should be part of your duties as a parent and it's something my parents never did. Wish they had! 3) Once he has said job, provide clear expectations on when he needs to leave.
Before a bunch of you misunderstand what I mean by help him through the process of finding a job. I mean, coach him through the process of searching for a real job and the interview process. Have him join LinkedIn, search the jobs section. Indeed.com is another great resource which he should take advantage of. Once he gets to the interview process, coach him through some of the questions and ensure he understands that he needs to dress nice, bring copies of resumes in a nice binder to the interview. After the interview is over make sure he sends out thank you letters to those who interviewed him. Be polite and courteous. All of the things that we as Adults now are customary but a 23 year old who has never had a real job isn't quite aware of.
Have you discussed him paying half of the rent & utility bills? I think he shoudl be paying half of it, plus the food costs, if he is eating at home. If you allow him to live with you, at no cost, he will never move.
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