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Staying in a marriage "for the kids" is NOT really helping your children.
It's hurting them.
Your relationship with your spouse is supposed to teach your children how a relationship between two people should work. They will grow up WORSE OFF if you stay together when your not happy.
I would reccomend seeing if he would go to marriage counceling first. If he refuses to go then go get some counceling for yourself and your kids. Start putting money away now, if you haven't been doing so already. If need be go and talk to someone from a Women's advocacy center and see what else they reccomend you start putting aside and getting into place. You want to get all of your ducks in a row sort a speak if you do decide to leave him.
I personally think as hard as it would be on your kids if you left him, it is harder on them if you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. You are only teaching your son that it is okay for him to treat women the way your husband has been treating you and teaching your daughter that it is okay to be treated that way by men. By staying and continuing to allow your husband to treat you the way he has without standing up for yourself, you are starting a vicious cycle that will pass down through the generations until someone finally gets the guts to stop it, which can take a generation or two before the cycle completely ends.
Please do not delay any longer in getting some sort of help. By doing so you are continuing to do a diservice to you and your children. You and your children deserve better whether that be your husband and you going to counceling together and him learning how to treat you better or you get away from him, which ever way better is.
Oh also start documenting his behavior and the name calling and anything else he does that is hurtful. You might also have the kids document as well. This documentation will come in handy either for counceling or in divorce court. I wish you much luck and happiness, remember no-one deserves to be abused in any way shape or form and no-one should feel like they have to continue to be abused for the sake of anything. Your kids will be far better off not having to be around it 24/7.
I would reccomend seeing if he would go to marriage counceling first. If he refuses to go then go get some counceling for yourself and your kids. Start putting money away now, if you haven't been doing so already. If need be go and talk to someone from a Women's advocacy center and see what else they reccomend you start putting aside and getting into place. You want to get all of your ducks in a row sort a speak if you do decide to leave him.
I personally think as hard as it would be on your kids if you left him, it is harder on them if you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. You are only teaching your son that it is okay for him to treat women the way your husband has been treating you and teaching your daughter that it is okay to be treated that way by men. By staying and continuing to allow your husband to treat you the way he has without standing up for yourself, you are starting a vicious cycle that will pass down through the generations until someone finally gets the guts to stop it, which can take a generation or two before the cycle completely ends.
Please do not delay any longer in getting some sort of help. By doing so you are continuing to do a diservice to you and your children. You and your children deserve better whether that be your husband and you going to counceling together and him learning how to treat you better or you get away from him, which ever way better is.
Oh also start documenting his behavior and the name calling and anything else he does that is hurtful. You might also have the kids document as well. This documentation will come in handy either for counceling or in divorce court. I wish you much luck and happiness, remember no-one deserves to be abused in any way shape or form and no-one should feel like they have to continue to be abused for the sake of anything. Your kids will be far better off not having to be around it 24/7.
I have decided to pay off some debts and straighten things out - get prepared - my ducks in a rowand then GO!!! He's being nice to me again now. But I know things just never change with him. He is playing mental games with me and the children and I am truly sick of it.
Hopefully, in a few months, I will be ready - and when he starts on one of his tantrums I will kick him into touch. I have already said to God "I am so sorry, I just can't keep my wedding vows" God knows I have tried.
My hubby said, that if we broke up, he would go on the dole. He said there would be no point trying any more when he has tried his best. He said I haven't tried my best....lol...hilarious!!! This is what he does, he turns things around onto me. He starts acting nice - saying "If you are nice to me, I will be nice" - he just can't see how psychotic and mad his behaviour is!!! About his Birthday and the way he shoved everything back in my face (ignoring the cake we got him, going to bed to sleep, taking all his cards down) he says he didn't do anything except stay out of the way because I was being horrible to HIM!!! He is very good at twisting things. But my mind is made up, from now on, I set aside some money too for me - pay my debts off and prepare to leave when I am ready and he hits his high C!!!!
He sounds extraordinarily depressed to me. Not that it gives him a right to be a complete jerk, but it sounds like he has been suffering for awhile. It makes me wonder why neither of you has sought counseling before this point. In any case, your children need to be in counseling yesterday. My grandmother was in a marriage like that and got divorced when my mom was 16- and even through counseling she went on to make some of the same mistakes with her marriage. Her younger brothers are even worse and one has been abusive to a series of wives because he grew up thinking it was completely normal. It's not a healthy cycle.
Please seek marriage counseling if you haven't already done so. Also see if your husband would be willing to address his depression. If not, then prepare to get yourself and your children out.
I don't think it is all about depression = I think he puts himself into depression, by causing arguments and then being upset by the tension he has caused. When I have been on holiday, the sun shining - everything going good -BAM -out of nowhere, telling me to F.... off over something trivial, spoiling things. My brothers wedding a few years ago = he hardly talked to me on the way down in the car, gruff, aggressive - Why? Because he was depressed? Doesn't make complete sense. I don't really understand it all - I think he has a low self esteem. He needs to blame someone, often when things should be HAPPY, good occasions that he turns into major tantrums!!! And I try to keep the bad stuff away from the children.....but of course, they do see how badly behaved their father can be. He tells my daugher off for saying Shut up, he says "You mustn't speak like that, speak nicely" but then he tells me to shut up - so he is giving her mixed messages.
thanks for all your advice. I know that Mr Grumpy is heading for the exit door.....just need a bit more time to get things sorted. I don't want to upset the children with a seperation, he would probably make it harder anyway. He has always said that he would not leave the house = its his house. I will have to work things out.
When I was 12, I screamed (after dad had stormed out after one of his tirades), "I can't live like this anymore!" Mom said, "I can't either". We packed up and left. My life was much better after that.
I had a friend in my 20's whose parents were equally unhappy but stayed together "for the kids". She once told me I was lucky because my nightmare stopped and hers never did.
From the kids' perspective, I'll tell you this: You aren't helping them by staying in a miserable marriage. You are allowing your children to be miserable, too. If you do choose to stay, don't tell the kids that you are doing it for them. They don't need to be blamed for your decision.
What do you think? I don't get on with my husband at all. He is up and down all the time. He gets worked up about the slightest thing - we can't go for a short drive in the car without him getting angry about something tiny. I stayed with hubby up until now, because I wanted the kids with me ALL the time....I knew that if I seperated - he could take them goodness knows where! But now my daugher is 15 and my son is 12 - I am thinking maybe it is time. Hubby tells me to shut up in front of the children and the other day, my daugher told me "Don't tell Dad I told you, but I saw him flashing his V's up at you behind your back". For his birthday - we gave him cards, got him a cake, the kids rang him in the morning at work to sing happy birhtday - but in the evening - because I calmly told him not to yell at the kids - he went to bed sulkiing. He wouldn't even touch the Birthday cake we'd got him! I went to work that night - when I came home - he'd taken all his birthday cards down!
My daugher has told me to "Just Divorce him" and "Don't blame me because you have a lousy marriage" - but its still a big step to take.
I cannot stand my hubby - thats the truth. He has been horrible to me on and off for years!! I only care about my kids and want to do the best for them, thats all.
So what would you do? Is it time to kick him into touch? I'm a christian - he is supposed to be (but I am doubtful), he doesn't come to church with me. He makes fun of me reading the Bible, he doesn't come to any of my family events. My family don't like coming to the house because of him....etc...etc....
Thanks for your advice.
Divorce for the kids sake. It's been proven that a child in a single parent home fare better than those from a two parent home w/ hostility/arguing/fighting/ etc.
As a child with a mother who stayed in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship "for the kids", I can tell you that the children are suffering. My "family" nightmare ended when I was 16, but in those 16 years, my adopted father not only emotionally/verbally abused my mother, but also myself. I felt guilty for years because she told me that the reason she stayed with him was because of us kids. I figured that somehow it was all my fault. It took years to get over this and luckily my husband is a very caring person who has helped me through most of it.
I would say leave your husband as soon as possible...... for yourself and for your kids.
As a child with a mother who stayed in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship "for the kids", I can tell you that the children are suffering. My "family" nightmare ended when I was 16, but in those 16 years, my adopted father not only emotionally/verbally abused my mother, but also myself. I felt guilty for years because she told me that the reason she stayed with him was because of us kids. I figured that somehow it was all my fault. It took years to get over this and luckily my husband is a very caring person who has helped me through most of it.
I would say leave your husband as soon as possible...... for yourself and for your kids.
You are right. I feel worn out living with this contorl freak! He is so up and down. Ended up 'having it out iwth him again today' Kids weren't around. He says "You need to stop insulting me" (!!!) I said "Why do you keep turning this around?" He is gifted - at turning things around to me. His mum said to me today - because he had a go at his 70 year old dad about something little - "I don't know how you put up with him, he is stressing us out" - she loves him, his dad loves him. But they know that he is difficult. I feel weary now. Just from spending time with him. My daughter thinks he's mad, doesn't have much respect for him. My son, well, I try not to say anything about his dad, all boys need their dads to be heros. I think I just feel so sad that my hubby seems unable to change his behaviour. But then Leopards don't change their spots do they? I told him today, "You will have to live by yourself, I am not going to divorce you, but I can't live with you" He thinks I am joking, but the time is coming when I make my escape...............
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and then GO!!! He's being nice to me again now. But I know things just never change with him. He is playing mental games with me and the children and I am truly sick of it. 
