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I am sobering up for my family and it feels great. Hopefully your husband has that moment of clarity that I have experienced. The best part of it is I now know I have the strength to quit. I hope it works out for you and happy sober holidays to everyone.
That is great news and good to hear from someone who knows it's possible to turn things around. All the best to you in your journey for a sober life.
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)
He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.
Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
Its a progressive disease. It gets worse over the years.
I have been there, they never change. You can be smart attractive, weakthy and have the perfect house, everyting you do to enable it makes him think his behavior is fine.
Its not like hes 20. 51???. My ex and his brother have same issues. is brother at age 55 STILL parties like he is 20 and has had recently a massive heart attack.
First thing when he was released from hospital was go the liquor store.
I would agree with you seeking assistance from Alanon. Living with an alcoholic is difficult to say the least. I went to one support meeting before deciding I did not want to live the rest of my life going to such meetings. It was a catalyst to leave. Ultimatums don't work, neither does bullying, bribing, manipulating, pleading etc.
I tried all of those things to no avail.
well said. At meetings you learn alot. I attended Al anon and heard of people who stayed together 30 years...misery ,car accidents and etc...the denial phase is scary.
I used to think oh its just beer, then it was pints in the basement (then pain pills, etc.)
And yes always had a job, and could be a decent person when sober. Just because he has a few of these things still, doesnt mean the illness is fine. It is extremely horrible to live with on a daily basis.
As they say with a person who has the disease, one is too many and a thousand isnt enough. I tried for him to get help for years. he has to want to do it on his own....You cant change an adult with this issue.
There was no foot stamping or demanding. There was a calm discussion, with me letting him know where I stand. He agreed he had a problem, and HE got rid of everything. He asked me to be patient while he went through the withdrawal process. He told me I was more important to him than the alcohol and MJ. Until he gives me reason to doubt that, I will support him through this. I told him there would be no nagging. I also told him I have a ZERO tolerance policy as far as the alcohol and MJ goes, and if he loses the next job he gets, I am leaving. He understands, and I am giving him a chance. HOWEVER, I WILL follow through, and he knows that (because he knows I always followed through on my punishments for my kids). I am hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst.
It sounds like you are taking a very good approach. It's fair to give someone a chance to change. He's probably familiar enough with the withdrawal process to know that he needs you to be patient with him during that.
Also some people manage to live with addicts. I'm not sure how or why they do it, but they do. I also know that there can be some differences from one addict to another which may be why.
I am going through this now but I am the drinker. I am not in denial and I have held my job for over six years. My wife and I are strong in our relationship but I know it is time for me to give it up. I am a functioning alcoholic. Sad to say but it is true. When I moved to Colorado I barely drank but then I discovered the micro breweries out here and it snowballed from there. I am very open with my wife about this and she is helping me. I am sobering up for my family and it feels great. Hopefully your husband has that moment of clarity that I have experienced. The best part of it is I now know I have the strength to quit. I hope it works out for you and happy sober holidays to everyone.
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).
There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.
Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!
Just remember the best part about leaving is planning the escape. Id tell him what I was going to do if he didn't seek help etc and if I noticed that he wasn't keeping his promises that's when id plan to leave. Id start looking for apartments etc.. one day your s.o will come home and you wont be there.
If you make his recovery and sobriety dependent on what you do and vice versa, he will stay drunk and you will be miserable. In order to bring order to the chaos, you have to separate these two things. Those who tell you to make ultimatums and declare consequences if he fails to meet them are simply wrong. Totally wrong. His recovery will not come from you. If he is to recover he must do it for himself. This usually requires more misery than it appears he had had so far. Essential to his recovery is your detachment from his troubles, not the bonding to them as has been suggested by others.
Well, whatever works. I was married to a drug addict, and manipulated many times over. Perhaps I am jaded and cynical. I wish you the best. But I still think it is BS. Either you leave or stay, don't kid yourself that you are giving him a chance...you are just not ready to really leave. I will bet my next pay check that he will "slide", and you will forgive him, and the drama will continue. Drug addicts don't change until they want to...and it is rarely for another person.
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).
There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.
Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!
20yrsinBranson
First off I have no problem with people drinking recreationally. I took a step too far. It has become a burden for me and possibly for my family. My wife is a saint. I am tired of going to work in a cloud. I miss the times when I can have a couple of pops and all is ok. It became something I needed to sleep. Now I am conscious of everything. Please enjoy your drinking. I have no problem with. Why? Because i enjoy the taste of a good micro brewery beer. Now it is time to feel normal without drinking 16 beers a night. Yes 16, that is not bragging. That is ridiculous.
I am going through this now but I am the drinker. I am not in denial and I have held my job for over six years. My wife and I are strong in our relationship but I know it is time for me to give it up. I am a functioning alcoholic. Sad to say but it is true. When I moved to Colorado I barely drank but then I discovered the micro breweries out here and it snowballed from there. I am very open with my wife about this and she is helping me. I am sobering up for my family and it feels great. Hopefully your husband has that moment of clarity that I have experienced. The best part of it is I now know I have the strength to quit. I hope it works out for you and happy sober holidays to everyone.
Some people can drink alcohol and some people can't. I think it is imperative to know your limitations. My wife and I both drink wine with dinner, and sometimes a glass after dinner. Some nights we drink her favorite Amaretto on the rocks, and my favorite Yukon Jack on the rocks. We never drink to excess and we drink only after we know we are not going to be driving. I think the difference in our drinking and an alcoholic's drinking is we don't feel we have to have a drink. There are times we might not drink wine with dinner for a week at a time. I drink one glass of beer a week, and my wife drinks one Margarita a week, every Thursday evening when we go out to dinner. But when it's really cold, we might have coffee instead of the usual alcoholic drink. Neither of us feel the need to drink. Most of the alcoholic's I have known, have not been able to stop drinking. If you know you are easily addicted to things, it is better to never start drinking. Working traffic for our State Police Department several years ago probably gave me an un-natural outlook when it comes to dealing with alcoholic's.
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Giving Alcoholic/Drug Addicted Spouse a Ultimatum
