How do I process her past behavior? (older, partner, mature)

[dejaentendu19]

Originally Posted by Sgt. Buzzcut

I agree, it's not something most men would want hear and could be tough to deal with, but you have to realize it was different circumstances than now. She probably was drunk and a lot of young women don't even consider it sex these days. What if it was 9 guys instead of 35.......you probably wouldn't be comfortable with that number either. Point is, you're just not going to find a virgin nowadays, especially if the woman is somewhat good looking. Don't hold it against her or punish her over it. Crazy tough it sounds, she thought enough of you to keep a very personal and private part of her life from you so it wouldn't hurt you....to bad you had to find out. She's been with the zeros and decided to get with a hero, so be one to her and love her and don't bring it up to her again.

Come on Sgt. Buzzcut, I usually respect all of your posts, but when you're in your 20's none of this politically correct stuff applies. The man is not going to get over this fast enough to get over "the clerks scenario". Most people that give good advice actually have a girl that didn't do all of this stuff.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by Laychick

I wonder how would the OP have reacted if I found out his number is 9 while he finds out mines is only 1 but there is one little problem: I can't get over his 9 and react the same exact way he's reacting?

its less about the number and more about "why" it happened when evaluating a persons character, which is something the OP is doing outside of trying to cope with his own ego issues

as far as being worried about it now?
just talk to the girl and ask her why she decided to not just come out with it and tell her it hurt to feel like the relationship was started untruthfully. the rest should write itself as to whether he feels he can trust her and what they have a couple is true enough to stick around

[mainebrokerman]

do yourself and her a favor, break this off, you've got some excellent advice to leave this in the past, and you seem determined, you wont.

maybe she made it up, maybe she wants you to let her go, maybe if she could get on here, and tell some stories about you....
maybe she saw some old flames, and rekindled some excitement, maybe one of them took her aside, and asked what the heck is she doing with him??
maybe you were being an insecure shyt-head the whole night-jealous of the other guys- so, she gave you something to be jealous about...she made it up..... you will never know- you will never know if you are 36, 4, 13, or 47

do you both a favor, and move on..

[Laychick]

Originally Posted by rego00123

its less about the number and more about "why" it happened when evaluating a persons character, which is something the OP is doing outside of trying to cope with his own ego issues

as far as being worried about it now?
just talk to the girl and ask her why she decided to not just come out with it and tell her it hurt to feel like the relationship was started untruthfully. the rest should write itself as to whether he feels he can trust her and what they have a couple is true enough to stick around

Maybe she didn't want to deal with another judgemental guy for being honest to the ''How may guys you've been with'' question that shouldn't even be asked in the first place. Maybe she doesn't want to be single forever or end up being in the ''forever gf'' status but not worth getting engaged (this is what happens to many girls, even kind ones that won't pressure a man into marriage).

Just when I thought about a guy already in his mid-late 20's + have already gone through that whole drama about a girl's number, his bruised ego, the classification of what's a marriage material woman vs what's not and would put his focus on other things in life and long matured.... just wow

[dr74]

I have a difficult time with these types of threads due to rehashing a past that does not involve you…

By this I mean the “younger” years…College…Where some kids break out, make mistakes and move on, grow from them…

She most likely did not mention the bjs because this is a non issue, it has nothing to do with any monogamous relationship she has held since then…

So for you to hold her to what she did in College? IMO is wrong..
The fact that you had to wait several months before she “serviced” you? Means she is over that part of her life…Did you ever bother to look at it like this?
She is an adult now…
This is the same as me holding my ex accountable for having random sex with countless women when he was in his early 20’s when he was a bouncer…
That is a part of his past and a part that did not come up right away…
But it was just that part of his young reckless sex having past…

[TheHurricaneKid]

People change, but at times they may also revert to their old habits. If you stay with the women, NEVER forget what she has done, for if she does revert to her old habits, it would be YOUR FAULT for staying with the woman, because YOU KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

[Mr. Ryu]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

I think the more experience a man has, the less likely a woman's experience will be an issue, in general. There are some reprehensible people who cling to double-standards, and seem to think it's okay for a man to sleep around but not a woman, but those are not the kind of people I associate with, myself.



You know what? I hope you break up with her. She doesn't deserve this holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, self-righteous, ego-driven b.s. I expect this kind of behavior from a two-year-old. "I wanna be SPECIAL!"

Come on. It's SEX. And it happened years ago. She didn't kill anyone. She didn't break any laws. She's not a criminal. If you can't handle her past, you have problems with women's sexuality that you need to work out. The problem is all yours. Do her a favor and don't saddle her with this immature, naive, sexist, misogynistic lunacy.

It is easier for a woman to get sex than it is for a man. There was a study that was done where they took a male model and a female model and they were set loose on college campus and asked to approach the opposite sex and proposition sex to them. The female model received a 99% acceptance response while the male model received a 100% rejection response. This is why a man who beds lots of ladies is considered THE MAN. It is due to the fact that a man has to "work" to get a date, to hook-up, to get sex, etc unless he is lucky to meet a ****.

The fact that this lady hooked up with 35 guys in a frat means she was too easy. There could have been a lot of factors involved. (ie: alcohol, peer pressure, sexual liberation, etc) But at the same time, she was an adult.

OP - please do not marry this lady. Trust your instincts. The fact that she became edgy when you accompanied her to the party is saying a lot. Also, if she claims to have left that lifestyle behind then why revisit it... I changed my schedule so I could accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy.

[funymann]

Originally Posted by Todd2013

My fiancee and I have known each other for over three years. We got engaged last year. My story is sad really and I did not see it coming.

Basically, my fiancee is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I changed my schedule so I could accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag that I didn't catch at the time

Sad story short, on the second night there we were at one of the parties and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old college friends. It "came to light" that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.

When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many guys? She didn't want to answer but finally admitted that it was in the 35 range.

When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I just can't process this or figure it out.

What I'm looking for here is an objective view on all this. How does a woman rationalize this to herself, let alone rationalize lying about it to her fiance? How am I supposed to feel and how am I supposed to react?

Oh man!! Get out!! I mean right now!!!!

This gal has a lot of skeletons in her closet and you don't wanna be buried in bones 2 years in the marriage when she finally comes clean.

Glad you found out before the big day!!!!

[ellie]

Essentially the OP has also revealed that he is a bigoted, judgmental p***k and lied about being open, loving and accepting to his probably-now-ex-fiancé.

It's too bad. He will go through life as a bag of bitter damaged goods because he lacks the emotional perspective to know when the past has passed.

His ex will be horribly hurt by his equally cruel deception and loss of trust in him.

I hope you come to regret your behavior, Todd.

[chielgirl]

OP, were you a virgin when you started seeing her?