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Good advice and that is exactly how I feel. That is why I think that he should just leave her too. I've alrealy posted that this was in her past. However, she felt the need to tell him. Not in the past anymore! This is obviously too much for him to handle, so the right thing to do for both of them is to let her go. And I agree, it wouldn't be fair to hold this over and over on her, and I think the op' would. Because it's obviously too much for him to deal with.
Personal responsibility people. Does that really mean anything anymore? Some women on here can excuse any behavior that a women has shown. After all, it's never really anyones fault is it? Why does there have to be all of these reasons why she did what she did. Perhaps, she is just a freak, and loved servicing every guy at her college. Perhaps she joined in plenty of gang bangs too. Should that as well be overlooked. We all have limits to what we will tolerate. If not, then none of us would have standards. Is he not a "real" man because he doesn't want a girl who might as well have joined the porn industry?
This goes with the saying, be careful what you ask for. This is why I've stated in numerous posts that I never ask anyone I'm with how many partners she has had. Quite frankly, it's none of my business and furthermore-I just don't want to know!
Yea, the problem is most women don't focus on the physical act so they cant see why a man would. I think its fair to say this is not about wanting a virgin at all. In fact I prefer the women has had relationships in the past. Its healthier and better for the relationship. The number is not even important. What a guy does NOT want to hear is exactly what the OP found out. But on the other side of the coin, if he really loves this girl, he should get serious counseling and try to figure it out. The real hope is in the future he just doesn't ask.
Hmmm...I can't help but think that if these very understanding and forgiving ladies here on CD were the real life girlfriends, spouses, or SOs of the dudes she blew-- they wouldn't be so understanding, forgiving, and kind. We would probably be seeing terms from them like these: w***e, s**t, etc., etc.
I could be wrong!
good point,,,if the going down queen, was the "other woman" then i believe you are right it would be different...
It's not like she forgot to pay the cable bill and he's falling apart. She slept with half the college, or blew half the college. There's not much difference. She say's 35, I'd be willing to bet a hundred. But hey lets not hold her accountable. After all, she's just a vulnerable little precious angel who was probably abused/ and or had daddy issues.
The op' does have a right to his feelings. If it's too much for him to handle, then he doesn't have to be with her. All of this bashing him isn't going to change that fact. It just further illustrates that people expect everybody on C-D to forgive/ act perfect. Oh, just forgive her, she was young, blah, blah, blah. I would really love for all these "perfectly forgiving" people to come home tommorrow to similar news. Boy C-D is filled with alot of hypocrates. Using shame tactics on him and calling him names isn't going to change how he feels. If anything it is only going to make him distrust women even more. Let's have a little emapthy since sypmathy isn't quite a C-D thing anymore. Everyone's a therapist/ perfect partner who has sooo much understanding, yet everything that they write or say seems to contradict that. Hmm, odd. Well op', if it was up to C-D, you should forgive your "very" loose gf for anything. If you somehow contacted a disease from her dishonestly, I am sure that will somehow be your fault too. Come on people, let's be real.
I love this whole "real man" thing. What does being a "real man" have to do with anything really? He's not a real man unless he can completely forget that his girl serviced half the school. My oh my...Let the flaming begin. I've got thick skin. I can take it.
I agree.
IMO, we all have deal breakers. Her 35 sexual partners in college and who knows how many after college was too much for him. Everyone has deal breakers and we should not judge people by them. Like everyone here has stated OP should break it off.
I would never seriously date a girl that has a kid, has a lot of sexual partners (although i would never ask this ?), etc. My deal breakers are for MY interest.
This is true, but a smart man who is in love will consider all sides.
This is true, but that was then and this is now. People change, whether for the good or the bad. What if it were he that had done something like this and she was on here talking about this. People would dismiss it as no big deal.....oh he was just sewing his wild oats. Now he is an an adult and ready to be in a serious relationship. But it isn't. It is about her and she chose to be garbage and a ****.
There is such a huge difference when it is on the flip side. I don't agree with any of these types of behaviors. It is not how I am. I believe your body is your temple. So I am not going to say that what she did was right. I am going to say that he has no right to judge and condemn her. No one does.
But there was a whole lot more to it. She lied to him for one. He didn't lie to her. Secondly, her behavior speaks to much more than just a girl having a good time/ or sewing ones wild oats. That's not normal to act that way. I won't elaborate, because I am no shrink. However, huge red flags for me would come up. But that's just me.
If it was switched and the women couldn't deal with it. I would give her the same advice. Especially if it effected her that way. Nobody should be punished for their past, However; they should remain accountable especially since she decided to tell him. she felt the need to tell him her past. That was the risk she took. Nobody's under any obligation to accept "anything" and "everything from somebody just because they love them. Sometimes love isn't enough. Because nobody should be punished for their past is exactly the main reason why most people should keep their past to themselves.
He might not have a right to judge and condemn her. But he does have a right to have standards and choose to live by them.
IMO, we all have deal breakers. Her 35 sexual partners in college and who knows how many after college was too much for him. Everyone has deal breakers and we should not judge people by them. Like everyone here has stated OP should break it off.
I would never seriously date a girl that has a kid, has a lot of sexual partners (although i would never ask this ?), etc. My deal breakers are for MY interest.
That leads to a whole other topic. It seems women don't consider a BJ sex...while for a guy (if its not him) is a way more degrading act and is almost worse than sex. I think that is why she felt she did not lie or tell him. To her it was not sex...which is COMICAL.
You know, I think this is why I prefer not to ask and not to tell.
I have not been with so many people that it should matter, and I don't think my SO has either. I feel that as long as we are both clean (and we are) that there is no need for anyone to ask about your past.
I don't want to think about him being with ANY other person. That sucks. I am sure he doesn't want to think about me being with anyone else. We both know that we have been with other people.
Do I want to know his number? No. He has never asked for mine. What is important in our relationship is right now. From the day we met on. That is what is important. How we live our lives together, that is important.
If there is something about either one of us that we cannot handle, it needs to come out in the open and we need to get it figured out and move forward.
I have a past and so does he. We both deal with the others past to the extent that need be. I was married with children. He interacts wonderfully with my children. That is very important to me.
He had an ex who lived here and I think she is the biggest skank in the world. I had to deal with that. I dealt with it, and my opinion has not changed, he agrees.
OP cannot deal with this, and it is probably something that just needed to be left dead and gone. I am not saying she was right for having done it, but there is something about every one of us that is not perfect. We have all made mistakes, and sometimes, those mistakes are hard enough to deal with on our own without having them come out like this.
You know, I think this is why I prefer not to ask and not to tell.
I have not been with so many people that it should matter, and I don't think my SO has either. I feel that as long as we are both clean (and we are) that there is no need for anyone to ask about your past.
I don't want to think about him being with ANY other person. That sucks. I am sure he doesn't want to think about me being with anyone else. We both know that we have been with other people.
Do I want to know his number? No. He has never asked for mine. What is important in our relationship is right now. From the day we met on. That is what is important. How we live our lives together, that is important.
If there is something about either one of us that we cannot handle, it needs to come out in the open and we need to get it figured out and move forward.
I have a past and so does he. We both deal with the others past to the extent that need be. I was married with children. He interacts wonderfully with my children. That is very important to me.
He had an ex who lived here and I think she is the biggest skank in the world. I had to deal with that. I dealt with it, and my opinion has not changed, he agrees.
OP cannot deal with this, and it is probably something that just needed to be left dead and gone. I am not saying she was right for having done it, but there is something about every one of us that is not perfect. We have all made mistakes, and sometimes, those mistakes are hard enough to deal with on our own without having them come out like this.
Don't ask, Don't tell.
Ok... so how would he feel if he suddenly found out tomorrow you gave BJ's to tons of guys in college? That is where the OP is. That is where you guys are NOT. Again..its not the relationships ...its the NATURE of these relationships and how it was found out.
But there was a whole lot more to it. She lied to him for one. He didn't lie to her. Secondly, her behavior speaks to much more than just a girl having a good time/ or sewing ones wild oats. That's not normal to act that way. I won't elaborate, because I am no shrink. However, huge red flags for me would come up. But that's just me.
If it was switched and the women couldn't deal with it. I would give her the same advice. Especially if it effected her that way. Nobody should be punished for their past, However; they should remain accountable especially since she decided to tell him. she felt the need to tell him her past. That was the risk she took. Nobody's under any obligation to accept "anything" and "everything from somebody just because they love them. Sometimes love isn't enough. Because nobody should be punished for their past is exactly the main reason why most people should keep their past to themselves.
He might not have a right to judge and condemn her. But he does have a right to have standards and choose to live by them.
This is true, SMP. I do not disagree with you. I do think that the number she gave him was probably the number in her heart that counted.
I do not think this is something that the OP can overcome.
I also do not think it is normal to act that way, but there are many right here on CD, men and women, who would disagree.
I have had situations with my SO that many would not put up with. If not for the love I have for him, I would not have put up with it. I knew that he was the one for me and that we would get through the issues in time. I had faith, and sometimes it wore thin. The love I have for him pulled me through and all of those issues are now gone. It was love. Love was the only thing that kept us together.
You know, I think this is why I prefer not to ask and not to tell.
I have not been with so many people that it should matter, and I don't think my SO has either. I feel that as long as we are both clean (and we are) that there is no need for anyone to ask about your past.
I don't want to think about him being with ANY other person. That sucks. I am sure he doesn't want to think about me being with anyone else. We both know that we have been with other people.
Do I want to know his number? No. He has never asked for mine. What is important in our relationship is right now. From the day we met on. That is what is important. How we live our lives together, that is important.
If there is something about either one of us that we cannot handle, it needs to come out in the open and we need to get it figured out and move forward.
I have a past and so does he. We both deal with the others past to the extent that need be. I was married with children. He interacts wonderfully with my children. That is very important to me.
He had an ex who lived here and I think she is the biggest skank in the world. I had to deal with that. I dealt with it, and my opinion has not changed, he agrees.
OP cannot deal with this, and it is probably something that just needed to be left dead and gone. I am not saying she was right for having done it, but there is something about every one of us that is not perfect. We have all made mistakes, and sometimes, those mistakes are hard enough to deal with on our own without having them come out like this.
Don't ask, Don't tell.
Basically, I can't argue any of this. I agree. That's why I think that he should leave her. She let the past out of the bag. He clearly can't handle it. Not going to judge him on that, because I'm not sure I could either. And trust me, I can handle alot about a womens past. The bottom line is I don't ask. At my age, I accept a women is going to have a past. Doesn't neccessarily mean it's my business, nor do I want to know it.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 03-30-2013 at 11:26 AM..
That leads to a whole other topic. It seems women don't consider a BJ sex...while for a guy (if its not him) is a way more degrading act and is almost worse than sex. I think that is why she felt she did not lie or tell him. To her it was not sex...which is COMICAL.
Actually, only some TEEN GIRLS don't get that BJ's are actually a sex act.
So while your scenario is possible, I think it's much more likely the fiancee did not tell because she was mortified and highly embarrassed as a grown woman that she behaved that way back in her late teens/early 20's in college.
I also think it's highly entertaining that some of you believe a BJ is somehow "degrading" UNLESS you are the one who received it!
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Hmmm...I can't help but think that if these very understanding and forgiving ladies here on CD were the real life girlfriends, spouses, or SOs of the dudes she blew-- they wouldn't be so understanding, forgiving, and kind. We would probably be seeing terms from them like these: w***e, s**t, etc., etc.
