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I went though a very dry period for many years when I couldn't get a date. I already explained in other threads it was my late teens to my late 20s... I didn't even have a date to my own prom (I asked a guy friend of mine to go). I wasn't ugly or anything like that. Basically it was my personality... I was a nerd at a time when it was not as cool as it is now... and I was introverted and shy. (things are much better for me now, later in life. Being a nerd is cooler and I am no longer shy... still introverted though). My point is, I can empathize and sympathize with the 20-somthing guys here who post in frustration. I try to offer them hope (things changed for me--but I had to make things change on my own). I will help them if they ask for advice, but I will argue with them if they start making up facts. I used to get upset and there were times I blamed men I am sure. But I really don't recall being that bitter about things. I sometimes wonder (and fair warning, this is just my opinion), based on what I've observed of men and women, if we don't process emotion the same. For example, when men are sad, they are really sad and have a harder time coping with it. Of all my friends, it's pretty much the guys who really become depressed after a breakup, etc. They sink into depression so bad it's hard to be around them. And love too, it seems to me men fall in love deeper and faster than women do. They go overboard really fast (sometimes scaring away a woman by coming on too strong). It's not to say that I think women are less emotional, it's just that we process the emotion differently. It's like men's emotions become all consuming--whatever it is. And women multi-task their emotions, buffering things. I also think men try to bury their emotion (because of the way society judges them) and that leads to sadness, anger, etc, but women are allowed to be outwardly emotional. Anyway, just something I've wondered.
I agree with you. Coping and controlling emotions is not something that men are good at. Once we find a woman we truly think we want to be with, it is hard to dial it back, but it's necessary to keep her around. Breakups, if being broken up with, can be devastating to a lot of guys who didn't have a lot of other optiosn in the first place.I like to pour whiskey all over my negative feelings for a weekend and then move on. Works for me lol.
They are annoying. They are never ending. But just as annoying is listening to women talk about a subject they can't possibly fathom the reality of.
I think some of us can fathom it though. I didn't have any dates at all from my late teens to my late 20s. I was terribly shy, introverted and a bit nerdy when it wasn't cool to be so (especially for a woman). While things are much better for me now, I didn't forget what that was like. And most of these guys posting are at that same age I was when I couldn't get dates. I sympathize with them and try to help but a lot of times they won't even listen and lump me in with some cheerleader-type they are thinking of, not realizing all women aren't the same. That's where I get frustrated and end up debating them instead.
I agree with you. Coping and controlling emotions is not something that men are good at. Once we find a woman we truly think we want to be with, it is hard to dial it back, but it's necessary to keep her around. Breakups, if being broken up with, can be devastating to a lot of guys who didn't have a lot of other optiosn in the first place.I like to pour whiskey all over my negative feelings for a weekend and then move on. Works for me lol.
LOL, I deleted what you quoted! I still stand by it though. It was my anal-retentive nature that couldn't stand that I couldn't make paragraph lines and such. So I deleted it instead. I think it might be good for men to have at least one female friend they can talk to and feel safe pouring out emotions too. I fill that role for a lot of my friends and I think it really helps them. One friend says I am like Vegas, what he tells me, stays with me. It's a lot of emotion for them to dump on me too and I am amazed how deeply they feel/are hurt/etc but never show it. Some of the stuff they tell me, I just can't imagine they would feel comfortable with telling another man. If a man has no female friends, I might suggest a sister, mother, cousin, etc.
I think some of us can fathom it though. I didn't have any dates at all from my late teens to my late 20s. I was terribly shy, introverted and a bit nerdy when it wasn't cool to be so (especially for a woman). While things are much better for me now, I didn't forget what that was like. And most of these guys posting are at that same age I was when I couldn't get dates. I sympathize with them and try to help but a lot of times they won't even listen and lump me in with some cheerleader-type they are thinking of, not realizing all women aren't the same. That's where I get frustrated and end up debating them instead.
Thread after thread, you seem to be cut from a different cloth than your average female CD poster. You are the exception and I respect your opinion on the matter.
But what does whining accomplish? It doesn't change the fact that they can't get dates, and the more whining a person does, the more easily they can become stuck in that negative mindset. IRL, there is only so much whining I'm willing to listen to from a person before enough is enough and they either need to do something different or ****.
I think awareness and talking about the issues is important because it breaks down stereotypes and helps expand awareness, because just as destructive is living in denial that life is just one way and reality.
I think some of us can fathom it though. I didn't have any dates at all from my late teens to my late 20s. I was terribly shy, introverted and a bit nerdy when it wasn't cool to be so (especially for a woman). While things are much better for me now, I didn't forget what that was like. And most of these guys posting are at that same age I was when I couldn't get dates. I sympathize with them and try to help but a lot of times they won't even listen and lump me in with some cheerleader-type they are thinking of, not realizing all women aren't the same. That's where I get frustrated and end up debating them instead.
Seriously. If it weren't for online dating I'd have been completely, 100% dateless for the past 4ish years. Every single one of my dates originated from an online dating site and I was never once asked out in real life. I'm not sure why this seems completely unfathomable to the guys on here... I also know plenty of other women who also have been completely dateless for years.
Seriously. If it weren't for online dating I'd have been completely, 100% dateless for the past 4ish years. Every single one of my dates originated from an online dating site and I was never once asked out in real life. I'm not sure why this seems completely unfathomable to the guys on here... I also know plenty of other women who also have been completely dateless for years.
So yeah...some of us can empathize just a little.
What seems to make the guys most angry is that they want women to admit that we could have gotten dates/laid anytime we want, but we didn't like our choices, whereas they had no choices at all or something. It's where the whole standards thing comes in. Most people just don't want to sleep with anyone who comes along, even lonely, desperate people.
I always wonder if when people start threads and talk about "standards" if they are really, mostly talking about "preferences".
I think it's safe to assume that standards are pretty much the same for both men and women (or should be). Some examples of standards would be things like a partner who has a job or other income, someone who is non-abusive, someone who isn't a junkie, etc. One should never go below their standards because it's often a matter of physiological or physical safety.
Preferences are superficial things that most people say they want, but are actually willing to overlook for the right person. And everyone has preferences of some sort... just like we all have different taste in food, clothes, music, whatever.
Everyone should have standards... if you don't you, you are setting yourself up to be hurt badly.
It's everyone's right to have preferences... and sometimes we need to bend or change our preferences.
I won't date a man who hits me, period. That's a standard. I prefer men who are divorced with kids (because they are like me). That's a preference. I will never date a man who is divorced with kids who is abusive... ever. But if I meet a wonderful man who happens to be divorced without kids, well, that I can change that preference (and have).
Women have standards. Men have substandards.
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