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He's most likely comfortable with the perks of having a live-in (I'm not even talking sex, but all the ways it's more convenient to have somebody else taking part in household duties and responsibilities), but still likes the idea of keeping his options open. It doesn't matter why he doesn't want to get married, it only matters that he doesn't. If you do, at this point, you're probably barking up the wrong tree. Somebody who takes more than a half dozen years to decide if he is "ready" to marry is somebody who doesn't want marriage, but knows if he says so, you'll leave, and he's not ready for that.
Maybe you should suggest living separately and see what happens. Not in a threatening way, just in a "this is boring and we need a change" way. In a "my life changing and you aren't" way. Let him know you are questioning your future with him. And mean it. If you are in a routine he is comfortable (and possibly keeping his options open) with you need to shake it up. I know it's scary because you think you could loose him, but you know you don't have him anyway if that happens.
IMO, this is bad advice. Don't play games, be open and honest with your feelings....
In reading the OP, I can see some of my own history in this. I lived with my (now Ex) wife for five years before being pressured to marry. She didn't put all the pressure on me, she did put some on me, and I just also felt "it's what I'm supposed to do". We had a good run of it, 15 years before divorce and we're still great friends and do a pretty good job parenting our teenage daughter.
Having lived through this, and now in a much happier place, I've spent a LOT of time reflecting on what happened with our lives.
IMO, you can gain a lot of insight into his frame of mind if you read the thread on these forums that discusses "Do you believe in THE ONE". (I'll try to find a link and edit this post when I do). Some people will never be ready to say "until death do we part", yet that does not mean that they don't love you. It's just that they feel they don't have a crystal ball, and have no way of knowing if you will grow apart or not. It may sound non-committal to you, but if you look at statistics, it's probably not that unreasonable. (And a person in that situation is more likely to thrive in a relationship because they want to be there, not because they are afraid of divorce, or otherwise feel "stuck".)
I think you should first read that thread and try really hard to understand all the different POVs expressed in it. Really try to have an open mind. Then you should talk to your BF and ask him his feelings. Maybe he will be ready and you just need to wait, but maybe you'll need to comprimise on your thoughts, and see if you can (or can't) live with that.
I'm not saying you should compromise on something you feel strongly about. if it's a real dealbreaker then that's what it is. What I am saying is be open to his REAL reasons, and then see if there is a reasonable middleground, or a way you can both get what you need. If you can, then there is your answer, if you can't then "there is your answer"...
If your boyfriend has not decided he wants to get married by now it is doubtful he will ever get married.
Why should he?
You live together he is comfortable with the situation the way it is and so far you are still there so you are either comfortable with it as well or think he is going to change his mind the longer you are together and live together.
Seriously why get married and complicate things when you don't have kids and everything is just fine? Couples can have a loving relationship without the false security of a marriage contract.
If you're not happy, leave, but don't play games by moving out just to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.
IMO, this is bad advice. Don't play games, be open and honest with your feelings....
I agree. Moving out to force an issue is totally unproductive and grossly immature. Get the lines of communication unclogged and don't be accusatory or snitty when discussing it. Open your ears and listen to what he has to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by soy sauce
Seriously why get married and complicate things when you don't have kids and everything is just fine? Couples can have a loving relationship without the false security of a marriage contract.
If you're not happy, leave, but don't play games by moving out just to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Exactly. I'm not against marriage at all even though I unsuccessfully tried it a few times but, really, what difference will a legal "blessing" make right now? Maybe you should more carefully examine this need for affirmation of your relationship.
Why does everyone jump on the "he's wanting his cake and eat it too, so you should just give up on this" bandwagon?
Why not try to understand his reasons, whatever they are, and OP determine if she can live with it or not. I don't understand how everyone can diagnose a relationship with only one post, given from one point of view. I see this over and over on this forum.
OP, please consider that it is certainly possible, but relationships are not usually "this or that". There are a lot of dynamics. If he's worth it, then get in there, talk with him, understand him, and if it's still worth it, then fight for your relationship. (And "fighting" means a combination of standing your ground, respecting his, and finding a compromise...)
EDIT: "almost everyone" is jumping on it. There are a few voices of reason out there...
Why does everyone jump on the "he's wanting his cake and eat it too, so you should just give up on this" bandwagon?
Why not try to understand his reasons, whatever they are, and OP determine if she can live with it or not. I don't understand how everyone can diagnose a relationship with only one post, given from one point of view. I see this over and over on this forum.
OP, please consider that it is certainly possible, but relationships are not usually "this or that". There are a lot of dynamics. If he's worth it, then get in there, talk with him, understand him, and if it's still worth it, then fight for your relationship. (And "fighting" means a combination of standing your ground, respecting his, and finding a compromise...)
One would hope after this many years together the OP would already "understand him", if not they have both wasted a lot of years of their lives.
One would hope after this many years together the OP would already "understand him", if not they have both wasted a lot of years of their lives.
Relationships change and grow over time, as do people. Anyone that thinks that they "undersand" their SO, and therefore don't need to work hard, and continue to understand them is doomed to failure.
I would not take advice from someone that thinks that it is possible in a relationship to get to a point where you are done "getting to know" your SO.
Relationsnhips take work, and when people grow apart, the answer is not always to give up or run away.
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but, really, what difference will a legal "blessing" make right now? Maybe you should more carefully examine this need for affirmation of your relationship.