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Hi everyone, just wanted to vent and maybe get some insight.
I am 30 years old and am currently living with my 32 year old boyfriend of 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. Things are going great - we rarely argue, we laugh a lot, we travel together and have fun. He's my best friend. When we moved in together, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. We talked about marriage then but both agreed it was not a priority and we should get settled into our careers first.
Now we are both doing well in our careers and I feel ready to take the next step. However, a few weeks ago I brought up marriage again and he said "I'm just not ready yet." I acted like it wasn't a big deal, but honestly, I'm really hurt. We've been together for so long and have done so much, why wouldn't he be ready?
It doesn't help that all of our friends are getting married, most of whom are younger than me and have been with their SOs for less time than I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I'm not treating marriage like a competition. But I wonder why my friend's boyfriends are able to make the commitment and mine isn't. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
I definitely don't want to pressure him into marriage, so I've been laying off the subject. But (I hate to admit this) I feel a little depressed. It's odd, when I was younger I didn't see what the big deal was when it came to marriage, but now I have a great man I want to call my husband. Hopefully, I don't turn into a desperate old woman.
Anyway, does anyone maybe have a guess as to why my boyfriend is dragging his feet? Maybe you have a story of your own to share?
Maybe you should suggest living separately and see what happens. Not in a threatening way, just in a "this is boring and we need a change" way. In a "my life changing and you aren't" way. Let him know you are questioning your future with him. And mean it. If you are in a routine he is comfortable (and possibly keeping his options open) with you need to shake it up. I know it's scary because you think you could loose him, but you know you don't have him anyway if that happens.
Honestly I think you're hearing the clock ticking which is fine. He's not though, so if you really are concerned about marriage then you may need to consider quitting him now. At 30 you still have a fair bit of time before having kids becomes an issue if you would like them. Remember your view on marriage has changed and he isn't aware that the ground rules of the relationship have REALLY changed.
If it were me I would ask him why he does not feel ready. I would also tell him how you felt sad and that you feel something is wrong with you. In general do you both have good communication? I ask because of you not expressing how hurt and upset you feel.
It has been 7 years so it is a valid question on your part. Wouldn't you rather know if he even plans on getting married. Do you talk about having kids?
I know those types. They have comfortable "married life" at home, without the paper. So, why change it and get married? (commitment, responsibilities, consequences, etc ?)
Move out and see what happen...
The bad news is that there's nothing you can do to speed up the process.
Anyway, does anyone maybe have a guess as to why my boyfriend is dragging his feet? Maybe you have a story of your own to share?
He's dragging his feet because he doesn't want to get married ever.
What would be his incentive to marry? He's already getting everything he wants. Marriage brings him no clear benefits, yet would impose heavy legal obligations. The only reason he won't say this is because you would probably leave if he did. But a man in this 30's who has been with a woman 7 years and says he "isn't ready" is a man who just doesn't want to marry, period.
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