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Why did the conversation end where it did? You should be expressing yourself so he knows you are hurt and feel rejected, not harboring it
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniellaG
If it were me I would ask him why he does not feel ready. I would also tell him how you felt sad and that you feel something is wrong with you. In general do you both have good communication? I ask because of you not expressing how hurt and upset you feel.
It has been 7 years so it is a valid question on your part. Wouldn't you rather know if he even plans on getting married. Do you talk about having kids?
I did express that I felt hurt and I asked him why he felt he wasn't ready. He said "I do want to marry you some day, I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now." He then went on to talk about the fact that he grew up without a father figure and so he's worried he'd make a bad husband because he doesn't know what it takes to make a good husband. I feel for him, but I know he'd make a good husband and won't make the same mistakes his biological father did (which was walking out on a pregnant woman). I feel like this fear would really come into play if we wanted children, but neither of us do.
He also brought up a friend of his who recently got divorced after only a few years of marriage. I admit, when this happened, it scared me too. However, the circumstances of that couple were different - they were each other's "first loves" who argued a lot even before they married. They tied the knot around the time my boyfriend moved in with me, and he made a joke then about how that couple was settling with each other (at which point we discussed neither of us felt like we were settling, but we could wait a few years on marriage). It turns out that couple was indeed settling with each other and the divorce was triggered by the man of the relationship developing feelings for another woman.
What does everyone think of these reasons? Legit or bull? I'm still hurt but still don't want to put unfair pressure on him by threatening to move out. I've always thought it was horrible whenever I heard about a woman giving her boyfriend an ultimatum. How odd it is that I'm now finding myself in the same boat.
What does everyone think of these reasons? Legit or bull? (
If he's given you no reason to suspect him of not loving you and is an all-around good, reliable, faithful and stable partner then absolutely "legit" and honest.
I did express that I felt hurt and I asked him why he felt he wasn't ready. He said "I do want to marry you some day, I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now." He then went on to talk about the fact that he grew up without a father figure and so he's worried he'd make a bad husband because he doesn't know what it takes to make a good husband. I feel for him, but I know he'd make a good husband and won't make the same mistakes his biological father did (which was walking out on a pregnant woman). I feel like this fear would really come into play if we wanted children, but neither of us do.
He also brought up a friend of his who recently got divorced after only a few years of marriage. I admit, when this happened, it scared me too. However, the circumstances of that couple were different - they were each other's "first loves" who argued a lot even before they married. They tied the knot around the time my boyfriend moved in with me, and he made a joke then about how that couple was settling with each other (at which point we discussed neither of us felt like we were settling, but we could wait a few years on marriage). It turns out that couple was indeed settling with each other and the divorce was triggered by the man of the relationship developing feelings for another woman.
What does everyone think of these reasons? Legit or bull? I'm still hurt but still don't want to put unfair pressure on him by threatening to move out. I've always thought it was horrible whenever I heard about a woman giving her boyfriend an ultimatum. How odd it is that I'm now finding myself in the same boat.
Bull.
If he were really so scarred by his father's abandonment, he would have trouble forming and maintaining relationships, which he clearly doesn't. The trauma of his father walking out only comes into play when the issue of marriage is raised. Isn't that convenient?
You seem pretty desperate to make excuses for him, to find some way not to have to face the fact he doesn't want to get married. I'm sorry, but most people's motivations are not as complex or nuanced as they make them out to be. Most of the time, people's motivations are pretty simple and straight forward.
As the late Maya Angelou said, "When someone show you who they really are, believe them. The first time."
I know exactly what relationships take to work but I can tell you that I understood my husband well before we had been together 7 years.
The work part is not the understanding it is being able to adapt to the changes that naturally come along with aging and being together so many years.
From the words written by the original poster I got the implication that they never took the time or made the effort to get to know each other well enough to understand each other and be able to adapt to future situations.
I know my first post didn't give a whole lot of insight, but I do understand my boyfriend in literally every other aspect of our relationship. This whole marriage concern only recently came up in the last month or so. Before then, I always knew I would say yes if he asked me, but marriage was never on my mind so I never really brought it up. We did talk about it a few times, and each time it did my boyfriend would say he wanted to get married, but the question never came.
Quote: It doesn't help that all of our friends are getting married, most of whom are younger than me and have been with their SOs for less time than I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I'm not treating marriage like a competition. But I wonder why my friend's boyfriends are able to make the commitment and mine isn't.
You're not? Are you sure about that? I ask because everything else in the above paragraph sure makes it sound like you are.
After posting, I worried about how this statement would sound. But honestly, I do not feel like I'm in a competition with my friends. I've never been a marriage-driven woman and would define myself more by my own personality/career than my relationship. This may sound weird after what I've been saying, but I still don't feel that marriage driven which probably explains my reluctance to give my boyfriend an ultimatum. I want the commitment but I'm not so thirsty for it that I'm willing to end our relationship over it.
Plus, all but one of my core group of friends are married/engaged (and I'm not that close with this particular person) - so who would I be competing with at this point anyway?
the only time I was glad I was married was when my 1st husband died.....what a mess that would have been if not legally hitched!! maybe you have legalities in place to cover that.
I can share the story of my husband's best friend.
In his early 20s he started living with GF #1. Everyone thought that they would eventually get married, including her. He left her after 5 to 7 years.
Then he started living with GF#2. Everyone thought that they would eventually get married, including her. He left her after 5 to 7 years.
Then he started living with GF#3. Everyone thought that they would eventually get married, including her. He left her after 5 to 7 years.
Then he started living with GF#4 in his 40s. Everyone thought that they would eventually get married, including her. He finally married her after about 6 years. However, by that time she was in her late 30s and was unable to conceive. It definitely was a great disappointment to her not to have children. He died expectantly a few years after they married.
GF#1, GF#2 & GF#3 were quite bitter when he left them. He married GF#4 but it took so long that she couldn't have children, which she wanted to have.
I'm not sure if this story will be any help to you. But, it points out that just because "everyone, including you" thinks that you will get married it takes both people to agree. His friends could never figure out his behavior. It just seemed like he enjoyed all of the benefits of marriage (living together, sex, companionship, etc.) but none of the potential hassles such as joint finances, in-laws and children.
You've been together for a long time, obviously are compatible and get along, and have a good life together. So.. Why ruin it? Why throw marriage into it? If things are good, why intentionally complicate things? It is possible he will never marry, and that's smart. You don't need the legal burden of marriage hanging around your neck to further your relationship. Realize that out of your friends, you and your guy are the smart ones. Go celebrate.
If he were really so scarred by his father's abandonment, he would have trouble forming and maintaining relationships, which he clearly doesn't. The trauma of his father walking out only comes into play when the issue of marriage is raised. Isn't that convenient?
You seem pretty desperate to make excuses for him, to find some way not to have to face the fact he doesn't want to get married. I'm sorry, but most people's motivations are not as complex or nuanced as they make them out to be. Most of the time, people's motivations are pretty simple and straight forward.
As the late Maya Angelou said, "When someone show you who they really are, believe them. The first time."
My sentiments exactly.
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