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What else is there? She's tried discussing it with him, and got nowhere. Couples counseling? Someone suggested a shrink for him. What other options are there?
One thing we don't know is--how much in love are they, really? She says they get along great, but that doesn't mean they're in love. One reason they get along so well may be that he's not invested enough in the relationship to care about any potential conflicts that come up. What she sees as getting along well may, in fact, be indifference on his part. She may not know him as well as she thinks she does. Why should she give up marriage to stay with a guy she gets along with, if he's not really all that into her? She needs to find out how into her he really is.
Yup. It's all gubmint propaganda. But then, how do you explain all the men who are into it, too?
Cool strawman. The problem is with culture, not specifically the government.
And your point about men wanting to get married doesn't disprove a thing I posted. Yes, men want to get married. They are affected by society as well. The difference is that marriage is not as essential for men as it is for women, and threads like these prove that. Marriage is impressed upon girls by their family and society far more than boys are. And then those girls grow up, have kids and the cycle repeats.
Cool strawman. The problem is with culture, not specifically the government.
And your point about men wanting to get married doesn't disprove a thing I posted. Yes, men want to get married. They are affected by society as well. The difference is that marriage is not as essential for men as it is for women, and threads like these prove that. Marriage is impressed upon girls by their family and society far more than boys are. And then those girls grow up, have kids and the cycle repeats.
Oh, good grief! You didn't recognize obvious sarcasm?
*sighhh*
Whether or not marriage is "essential" for men, plenty of them are into it without prodding. Especially if they want kids. It's kids that marriage is most essential for.
This is very true. Being a wife or live in girlfriend wonderful, but it comes with a ton of responsibility. Being an independent live out girlfriend is easy and fun. Women usually do the brunt of housework. I don't want to clean your toilet unless you are truly committed to me and that includes a piece of paper.
OP, move out and continue to date him. Then you will find out where you really stand with him.
Ya know what? Even the live-out GF thing gets old. I got pretty dang sick and tired of being expected not only to spend my holidays with his family when certain of them are racist and homophobic to the point of ruining the festivities, but also to spend time preparing a dish or dessert to bring along for the privilege. Also got sick of being expected to put up with crappy behaviors like chronic lateness, petty hissyfits like him going to bed angry rather than at least making peace and agreeing to work it out the next day, and the like because of his underlying assumption that I loved him sooooooooooo much that I should be willing to let disrespect slide.
You don't have to be married or cohabitating to be taken for granted.
Oh, good grief! You didn't recognize obvious sarcasm?
I did, which is why I accused you of creating a strawman. You mocked an argument I never made, which is the textbook definition of "strawman."
Quote:
Whether or not marriage is "essential" for men, plenty of them are into it without prodding. Especially if they want kids. It's kids that marriage is most essential for.
Marriage isn't essential to anybody. Marriage is artificial; it's a man-made concept. Human beings do not need it. Period. It has as much meaning as one gives it, no more or less. Love actually exists, and there is scientific evidence to support that claim.
I also don't know why you keep bringing up that men want to get married. They do, but not to the extent of women. Women, in general, put far more stock into weddings and marriage, right or wrong?
I did express that I felt hurt and I asked him why he felt he wasn't ready. He said "I do want to marry you some day, I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now." He then went on to talk about the fact that he grew up without a father figure and so he's worried he'd make a bad husband because he doesn't know what it takes to make a good husband. I feel for him, but I know he'd make a good husband and won't make the same mistakes his biological father did (which was walking out on a pregnant woman). I feel like this fear would really come into play if we wanted children, but neither of us do.
He also brought up a friend of his who recently got divorced after only a few years of marriage. I admit, when this happened, it scared me too. However, the circumstances of that couple were different - they were each other's "first loves" who argued a lot even before they married. They tied the knot around the time my boyfriend moved in with me, and he made a joke then about how that couple was settling with each other (at which point we discussed neither of us felt like we were settling, but we could wait a few years on marriage). It turns out that couple was indeed settling with each other and the divorce was triggered by the man of the relationship developing feelings for another woman.
What does everyone think of these reasons? Legit or bull? I'm still hurt but still don't want to put unfair pressure on him by threatening to move out. I've always thought it was horrible whenever I heard about a woman giving her boyfriend an ultimatum. How odd it is that I'm now finding myself in the same boat.
I don't know about the reasons whether they are legit or just trying to delay or distract you.
What does come to mind is what is he is doing to work and face the concerns he has. His reason about not having a father figure and he is worried he will make a bad husband. So is he in therapy to work on these issues? Same with his fears around divorce.
Most of these issues he has won't be any different in years to come especially if he does not work on them. You have been together for a long period and are at the age where people do settle down if that is what they are looking for.
I personally don't want to get married but am upfront about that. It is not fair to the other person to not be. If I was with someone for a long period and wanted to get married and the other person was not ready after so long but because I pushed the issue he changed his mind it would send some flags up that something is not right. You should not have to push marriage.
Lots of people on here think marriage itself is the end goal, not a relationship.
Powerful point... I've observed this far too often...
But it has been 7 years, and as another poster mentioned, the OP hasn't provided any details about how strong she believes his fondness, appreciation and love is for her as a person, a woman & his relationship partner.
Go ahead, OP, and walk away from 7 years. Hopefully, with effort and luck you'll find that one man that wants to get married. You also better start prepping for the dating scene, since you been out of the game for quite sometime. It can be quite brutal these days.
This worked out really well for me, actually. I thought the dating scene would be horrid, too, being midthirties and out of the game for five years...but it was actually not an issue at all, nothing brutal about it.
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