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But this is the first sign that they have differences. Let's examine what the OP actually said:
According to the info we have here, this has not been a problem for 7 years. The one who has changed is OP (and she's totally justified to change any time she wants). It is not reasonable to expect the other person to make a 180* change in life plan without some time to come around.
All I am saying (and saying and saying) is that if OP has changed, then talk to BF about it (she has), give him some time to process it. Help him to undertand her POV and make damn sure she understands his POV. THEN, and only then, they can decide the best steps for them as individuals and as a couple.
If you read what is going on here, people are suggesting to leave if she does not get her way. Not to stay and work on it.
Things change over time, and naturally they take time to fix. The land of instant gratification would be nice, but it rarely exists...
Wow, actually reading the OP's post and responding to the info provided, instead of demonizing the man.
Oh Ruth this is priceless! It makes me reading this dreck worthwhile.
It took me about two weeks of reading here to surmise that R4T has a very strong disdain for men, and will take any/every opportunity to project her own misanthropy onto them as a gender.
marriage often requires an ultimatum on the woman's part.
if a woman wants to get married, then a guy who doesn't want marriage must be treated as unsuitable.
I have had three proposals in my life, and none of them required an ultimatum. Why would I want to marry someone who didn't want it too?
Some men actually want to get married and some want to get married and have a family. Some men obviously wouldn't touch marriage with a ten foot pole. The same thing can be said about women.
Who cares what anyone else does?
People should find like minded people to be with, and if their core values don't match then the relationship is doomed. Questions like marriage, kids, commitment, fidelity, work ethics, etc... are things both partners need to agree on.
All you people that think marriage is terrible and the worst thing, should obviously not get married. So why do you care that some people like marriage and want that in their life? It's almost like you want to convince everyone that marriage is bad.
I don't go around rubbing my happy marriage into my single friends lives. For whatever reason, they want to eschew marriage. To each their own.
Only the OP can decide how important marriage is to her and what she wants to do. The same can be said of her boyfriend.
I have had three proposals in my life, and none of them required an ultimatum. Why would I want to marry someone who didn't want it too?
The closest I came to an ultimatum of sorts was when my new fiancé casually asked one day shortly after our engagement what I was going to do with my two cats when we married ...
Suffice it to stay that he ended up with a wife and two cats which segued rather quickly into a 20+ acre horse farm with 20+ horses, a couple more cats, two dogs and a pond of Muscovy and Peking ducks. He adapted rather well.
But this is the first sign that they have differences. Let's examine what the OP actually said:
According to the info we have here, this has not been a problem for 7 years. The one who has changed is OP (and she's totally justified to change any time she wants). It is not reasonable to expect the other person to make a 180* change in life plan without some time to come around.
All I am saying (and saying and saying) is that if OP has changed, then talk to BF about it (she has), give him some time to process it. Help him to undertand her POV and make damn sure she understands his POV. THEN, and only then, they can decide the best steps for them as individuals and as a couple.
If you read what is going on here, people are suggesting to leave if she does not get her way. Not to stay and work on it.
Things change over time, and naturally they take time to fix. The land of instant gratification would be nice, but it rarely exists...
Not true. OP made it clear to her SO from the beginning that she was interested in marriage. They both felt it was best to get established in their careers first. Her SO said nothing at that time about his family history and emotional issues in relation to marriage. He failed to disclose important and relevant info. The OP did not change. She only revisited the marriage question after they'd become established in their careers, as her SO had agreed to do from the outset.
RE: the bolded--this has been asked before, but no response was forthcoming; what is there to work on? He said he's not ready for marriage due to his abandonment issues/childhood trauma. In spite of being aware of his issues, he made no attempt to address them during the 5 years they were together. It was suggested she ask him to get therapy, but the OP didn't respond to that suggestion. That's really the only possibility for "working on it". If the guy had been open to therapy, he probably would have tried it by now. The OP needs to decide if she wants to wait another 2-3 years for the effects of therapy to kick in (if her SO even would agree to it), or if she wants to move on now. She also needs to find out if he's really all that into her in the first place. All of this has been stated in earlier posts.
We've gotten to the point of just rehashing the same old comments and suggestions.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-02-2014 at 03:11 PM..
Not true. OP made it clear to her SO from the beginning that she was interested in marriage. They both felt it was best to get established in their careers first. Her SO said nothing at that time about his family history and emotional issues in relation to marriage. He failed to disclose important and relevant info. The OP did not change.
Baaaaahahahaha. The poster you're responding to even QUOTED the original post. Good gawd you have an axe to grind.
Not true. OP made it clear to her SO from the beginning that she was interested in marriage. They both felt it was best to get established in their careers first. Her SO said nothing at that time about his family history and emotional issues in relation to marriage. He failed to disclose important and relevant info. The OP did not change.
Terrible how people change, isn't it. The program of 7 years ago when these two were in their mid 20s just shouldn't have changed one iota and their future, both physically and psychologically, should have been well mapped out by then with no expectation of future diversion.
Terrible how people change, isn't it. The program of 7 years ago when these two were in their mid 20s just shouldn't have changed one iota and their future, both physically and psychologically, should have been well mapped out by then with no expectation of future diversion.
It's pretty hard to map out a future with someone when they misrepresent their position, and withhold crucial info from you. But...whatever.
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