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"so, oh wonderful guy, you want me to clean your house, do your laundry, keep your social calendar, and do you at your convenience without calling me your wife. When will you start paying my bills?"
"so, oh wonderful guy, you want me to clean your house, do your laundry, keep your social calendar, and do you at your convenience without calling me your wife. When will you start paying my bills?"
I don't want a WOMAN to do ANY of the things I take care of MYSELF! There's a chronic problem which arises anytime a man allows himself to become SO undisciplined that he lets a woman take care of things which SHOULD be his responsibility! I will NOT let a woman do my laundry, pay my bills, wash my truck, clean my apartment or wash my nads!
I know a few guys who I work with that are so damn wishy-washy now, because of their woman.
I did express that I felt hurt and I asked him why he felt he wasn't ready. He said "I do want to marry you some day, I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now." He then went on to talk about the fact that he grew up without a father figure and so he's worried he'd make a bad husband because he doesn't know what it takes to make a good husband. I feel for him, but I know he'd make a good husband and won't make the same mistakes his biological father did (which was walking out on a pregnant woman). I feel like this fear would really come into play if we wanted children, but neither of us do.
Whoa, now you've got two things. You want to get married and he doesn't, you don't think you want children and he doesn't, but he's afraid that the first will lead to the second.
And he knows that somewhere inside he has the potential of walking out on a pregnant woman.
"so, oh wonderful guy, you want me to clean your house, do your laundry, keep your social calendar, and do you at your convenience without calling me your wife. When will you start paying my bills?"
This isn't about accumulating baggage on the way to reaching 32. This is about serious childhood family baggage. If the dude is to be believed. She learned who he is, but didn't know the abandonment issue would hold him back from marriage. So now that she knows, she should understand they're not on the same page, and that she put her bets on the wrong horse for 7 years.
Too bad they didn't discuss it openly 5 years ago. She said they did, but he hid behind the "need to get established in our careers" excuse back then, instead of being open and honest about his real reason.
I think there are some insightful points, here. OP, to answer your question, he says he's not ready for marriage because he never was, but he didn't tell you. Not until recently did he give you the real reason: his psychological/childhood issues. Either a) he should have been getting therapy for those these last few years, or b) he should have told you about them upfront, so you could have made a decision as to his appropriateness as a long-term (i.e. marriage-oriented) partner.
You were deceived, and you're just now finding out the truth.
So now all you can do is decide whether to accept it, or move on. But you know, since neither of you is interested in kids, when he says he doesn't know if he can be a good husband, that's BS, because the last 5 years have proven that he can be one. He's been being a good "husband" for 5 years, just without the ring and the piece of paper. Ask him why he seems unsure, when in fact, it sounds from what you say, that he's been pretty well a model husband.
P.S. You and he are only around 30. Your "baby" hormones haven't hit yet. They may never, or they may suddenly, as if out of nowhere, ambush you at around 35. Just something to keep in mind. If that happens, you'd want to be with someone who's into marriage, if not already be married.
I would say that 7 years is MORE than enough time for the pressure to start coming. I would bring it up, start talking about it, and make a decision to wait on him or bail.
You're not getting any younger. The longer you wait, the fewer prospects there will be if you want the family package.
You're about my age (31), and I was in a similar situation in a ltr for several years and having to hit the dating scene with 4-5 years out of practice.
This has been going on for 7 years - believe me, dating at 31 is not like dating at 23. It's much harder and gets harder every year, especially for women.
So I would think seriously for the next month or so about the "bail or no bail" question, then move on from there.
I think it's HYSTERICAL that people think moving out is a bad idea. It's never a bad idea to be independent. Guys see it as a threat, and "immature"? WTH? I'd live alone at 30 and date you but no way am I going to act like a wife if I'm not. Get a clue. Taking control of your life is being honest, it's not a game, living with someone who doesn't want to marry you IS the game, it's called Playing House.
I'm not totally against people living together but you best know you want your future with this person, and marriage if that's what one of you wants, or it's doomed.
Move out OP. Tell him you love him but you want something more in your life and if he isn't the one to give it to you then you haven't lost anything. Trust me.
This is very true. Being a wife or live in girlfriend wonderful, but it comes with a ton of responsibility. Being an independent live out girlfriend is easy and fun. Women usually do the brunt of housework. I don't want to clean your toilet unless you are truly committed to me and that includes a piece of paper.
OP, move out and continue to date him. Then you will find out where you really stand with him.
This is very true. Being a wife or live in girlfriend wonderful, but it comes with a ton of responsibility. Being an independent live out girlfriend is easy and fun. Women usually do the brunt of housework. I don't want to clean your toilet unless you are truly committed to me and that includes a piece of paper.
With all due respect that is seriously outdated antediluvian poppycock. For decades I at various times lived with various men, both as a married woman and a single woman. Never - not once - was I either expected to do or did "the brunt of the housework" or anything else.
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