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"Unfair pressure"? You've given him 7 years of your life! It's not "pressure" to decide you need to move on and find a great guy who is into marriage. That's just you looking after your needs, as well you should. (He's certainly looking after his, without a care to how it affects you, isn't he?)
Here's your choice:
1) Stay with him, frittering away more of your life without getting any closer to the goal you want, while not getting any younger.
2) Leave, to find a guy who doesn't make phony excuses about why he doesn't want to get married.
That's all you have as options. "Why" is irrelevant. Pick one.
OR
3) Learn to accept the fact that marriage is not required in order for two people to be happy?
Move on. It's hard, but do it before you get stuck 13, 14, 15 years down the line with no ring on the finger and a wasted life.
So if a non-marital relationship ends after 15 years you consider that a "wasted life" but don't consider a 15 year marriage which ends in divorce to be such?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
OP, your dude has issues. You may not have known it going in, but he has baggage he needs to deal with before he can become the kind of partner you want.
Nobody lives to be 32 without accumulating some "baggage" along the way but the reality is in your comment about the boyfriend "becoming the kind of partner you want". She's learned who he is over the years, he's obviously making an attempt to be forthright but if the bond of holy matrimony is of overriding importance to her and he's not yet prepared to take that step then she has to decide whether to move on or not. It doesn't sound at all as though he has a mass of overwhelming psychological issues requiring professional intervention. No more than she needs it for being hung up on the marriage contract.
3) Learn to accept the fact that marriage is not required in order for two people to be happy?
For some people, marriage is required for two people to be happy. If he is against marriage and she needs it - then they should probably go their separate ways. You can't force someone to get married just like you can't force someone to be happy not being married. There is no right and wrong here - only different paths to happiness.
For some people, marriage is required for two people to be happy. If he is against marriage and she needs it - then they should probably go their separate ways. You can't force someone to get married just like you can't force someone to be happy not being married. There is no right and wrong here - only different paths to happiness.
Correct, but also unless a person questions their need for such a complication in their life, then they might as question what's really needed for them to be happy.
Marriage is merely a placebo for people to feel "happy".
Correct, but also unless a person questions their need for such a complication in their life, then they might as question what's really needed for them to be happy.
Marriage is merely a placebo for people to feel "happy".
I disagree but I don't think you are going to be able to understand since people who call marriage a "complication" are probably not going to be open minded enough to see why people might need it for happiness. My marriage is not a complication nor a placebo. And I wouldn't have been happy living my life with my husband with out being married to him. He feels the same way - that's one of the many reasons that we are right for each other. I know couples that are extremely happy not being married to each other. I'm not like that and they aren't like me. Like I said - there's no right or wrong - only different. But this is one difference that can make a relationship impossible if the two people in question are not on the same page.
I disagree but I don't think you are going to be able to understand since people who call marriage a "complication" are probably not going to be open minded enough to see why people might need it for happiness. My marriage is not a complication nor a placebo. And I wouldn't have been happy living my life with my husband with out being married to him. He feels the same way - that's one of the many reasons that we are right for each other. I know couples that are extremely happy not being married to each other. I'm not like that and they aren't like me. Like I said - there's no right or wrong - only different. But this is one difference that can make a relationship impossible if the two people in question are not on the same page.
I suppose. I just know I'm "open minded" enough to see marriage as more of a thorn in the side, as opposed to simply living life happily with someone who always has a get out FREE card.
I suppose. I just know I'm "open minded" enough to see marriage as more of a thorn in the side, as opposed to simply living life happily with someone who always has a get out FREE card.
I am not against marriage at all. However, I do think the pressures and confinements of marriage tend to strain great relationships, as is evidenced by the divorce rates.
I don't really agree with the posters who make everything so black and white by saying, "He should have asked by now!" True people should know themselves, but everyone is different. Sometimes it takes more time for some people as they may want to have established their careers, financial status, and self fulfillment.
OTOH, everyone is not cut out for marriage. It's not for everybody. Some people fear at the thought of marriage consuming them to the point that they just become dull boring people who lose their spunk for life after so many years. But again, everyone is not the same.
So if a non-marital relationship ends after 15 years you consider that a "wasted life" but don't consider a 15 year marriage which ends in divorce to be such?
Nobody lives to be 32 without accumulating some "baggage" along the way but the reality is in your comment about the boyfriend "becoming the kind of partner you want". She's learned who he is over the years, he's obviously making an attempt to be forthright but if the bond of holy matrimony is of overriding importance to her and he's not yet prepared to take that step then she has to decide whether to move on or not. It doesn't sound at all as though he has a mass of overwhelming psychological issues requiring professional intervention. No more than she needs it for being hung up on the marriage contract.
This isn't about accumulating baggage on the way to reaching 32. This is about serious childhood family baggage. If the dude is to be believed. She learned who he is, but didn't know the abandonment issue would hold him back from marriage. So now that she knows, she should understand they're not on the same page, and that she put her bets on the wrong horse for 7 years.
Too bad they didn't discuss it openly 5 years ago. She said they did, but he hid behind the "need to get established in our careers" excuse back then, instead of being open and honest about his real reason.
3) Learn to accept the fact that marriage is not required in order for two people to be happy?
Fine, as long as she doesn't want kids. We don't know where she's at with the kids question.
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