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This has been a recurring theme over the course of this thread. Can one of the women please explain to me what this great thing is that men are gaining by having their girlfriends move in with them? I mean, you're all making it sound like he is stealing somehing from her without paying for it. So what is "it"?
Did OP not make it sound like they are loving in an equitable, happy relationship? Both of their own free will, sharing expenses, presumably enjoying EACH OTHER'S companionship and etc?
Why does he owe her a marriage? You all sound like a bunch of 1950s bitties.
It's really funny how some of the most grrrrl power posters on this board all of a sudden get real conservative when a question like this comes up. It's the "team woman" crowd...woman should get whatever she wants.
But anywho, OP, all you can do is talk with your SO openly, and then act on the info at hand.
But this is the way I think about it....why would you want to leave a relationship that is as happy as you say it is over a piece of paper?
When you know women in their forties who are alone and childless because of this very situation, you become more sensitive to this issue. Women only have a limited number of childbearing years and a limited number of optimal attractiveness. So I guess people might be referring to him "stealing" her youth.
He is saying...one day we'll get married without meaning it. So her needs are not being met in her situation. Why are his needs more important that hers? They aren't, and that's why she needs to seek out her needs somewhere else.
He doesn't owe her a thing. Some women are very happy in this situation and feel no need for a piece of paper. The OP does need it. If she needs it, she needs it. That's just the same as him needing NOT to get married. It is what it is.
Marriage is a formal commitment in the eyes of a community that symbolizes a physical and emotional union that should not be broken easily.
Living together is a physical and emotional union that is casual and can more easily be broken.
Is it a surprise that women want and need stability and commitment?
I don't disagree with any of that. What I was asking about was all the women who sound indignant and self righteuos, as if he's getting something he's not paying for. What is that "thing"?
What are these "benefits of marriage" is he getting feloniously that he needs to pay for by putting up 1/2 of his future earnings?
I mean, isn't this relationship the 2nd wave feminists' dream? She's not enslaved into a marriage, she's living in an equal relationship that she's free to leave at any time. Apparently she has decided to skip the prison that is child rearing. Phew.
Is it a surprise that women want security and stability? No, it's not. Men have never been offered either.
Welcome to equality. You gotta take the parts that suck, too.
When you know women in their forties who are alone and childless because of this very situation, you become more sensitive to this issue. Women only have a limited number of childbearing years and a limited number of optimal attractiveness. So I guess people might be referring to him "stealing" her youth.
He is saying...one day we'll get married without meaning it. So her needs are not being met in her situation. Why are his needs more important that hers? They aren't, and that's why she needs to seek out her needs somewhere else.
This is a point. He is not saying "I'll never get married, deal with it." He knows she wants marriage and he's stringing her along. That is a problem: He is stringing her along. He is getting what he wants while knowing she is not getting what she wants. And he knows it. Seven years now? He knows it.
Writer Robert Heinlein said, "Love is when another person's happiness is essential to your own." Her happiness is clearly not essential to his.
When you know women in their forties who are alone and childless because of this very situation, you become more sensitive to this issue. Women only have a limited number of childbearing years and a limited number of optimal attractiveness. So I guess people might be referring to him "stealing" her youth.
He is saying...one day we'll get married without meaning it. So her needs are not being met in her situation. Why are his needs more important that hers? They aren't, and that's why she needs to seek out her needs somewhere else.
OP already stated that her and her partner don't want children. But don't let that stop your monologue.
If women wound up 45 and childless because a man lied to them, they shouldn't have dated liars. They chose poorly. That is the standard response on here to a man who gets half his life and his children confiscated.
And in all fairness, its not ONLY women who are taking the position I disagree with, its also the usual merry band of White Knights.
EDIT: And btw, no, he isn't saying "hel'll maybe want to get married later..." He said, he's not ready right now." Your bias is showing.
Last edited by VinceShamWow; 06-01-2014 at 07:10 PM..
I agree that it should be an equal division of assets and labor in a household. That is a utopian world though. Once children come along, it is only aggravated further.
I am happy that you are fortunate enough to not have experienced this situation or know people in this situation.
So you and your significant other truly share equally in housework and cooking? That's great,
This is an article in Forbes that describes a Norwegian 2012 study of thousands of couples.
"Household chores were shared equally in only a quarter of the marriages reviewed. Those couples tended to be younger and more affluent, and chores were divided more equally if the wife worked full-time. Yet, even when she works full-time, in 65% of the couples aged 30 to 49 she still tended to do more housework than him."
Funny these studies never seem to mention what goes on OUTSIDE the home.
You know, the other 99.999999999% of the world outside your home.
I have had many friends in this situation. They have told the guy time for marriage or it is over. Some have broken up, and got married to a better guy for them within a couple of years. One they got married and have been for over 20 years.
OP already stated that her and her partner don't want children. But don't let that stop your monologue.
If women wound up 45 and childless because a man lied to them, they shouldn't have dated liars. They chose poorly. That is the standard response on here to a man who gets half his life and his children confiscated.
And in all fairness, its not ONLY women who are taking the position I disagree with, its also the usual merry band of White Knights.
EDIT: And btw, no, he isn't saying "hel'll maybe want to get married later..." He said, he's not ready right now." Your bias is showing.
Yes I am biased. Everyone is. That's a fact of human nature, we are all biased by our experiences.
It's not that the women who end up alone have been with liars. It's the ease with which romantic relationships are thrown away. It's easier to throw away a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship than a marriage. Is there any doubt about that?
people can sign pre nups to protect each of their interests. It's not about getting half of someone's money, unless someone is a gold digger.
People can shack up together and being completely happy. The OP is not. So that is why the situation is untenable for her.
I did express that I felt hurt and I asked him why he felt he wasn't ready. He said "I do want to marry you some day, I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now."
(
Vince sham wow,
Here is where the OP said he wanted to marry her. I was not making that up.
Yes I am biased. Everyone is. That's a fact of human nature, we are all biased by our experiences.
It's not that the women who end up alone have been with liars. It's the ease with which romantic relationships are thrown away. It's easier to throw away a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship than a marriage. Is there any doubt about that?
people can sign pre nups to protect each of their interests. It's not about getting half of someone's money, unless someone is a gold digger.
People can shack up together and being completely happy. The OP is not. So that is why the situation is untenable for her.
No, there is no doubt that live-in LTRs are easier to throw away. But OP has equal right to throw it away. The relationship is equal. I'm taking issue with the posters who have characterized this guy as some kind of jerk, as if he is stealing something from OP. OP has said nothing to that effect. That he's getting all these great benefits of marriage without the commitment. Is she not?
He's maybe getting a 60/40 split on the housework according to some ridiculous study done by scandanavian feminists? Give me a freaking break.
Here is where the OP said he wanted to marry her. I was not making that up.
My bad...same thing applies...OP needs to act on what she feels is her own best interest with the info at hand.
If she wants to walk from what she calls a wonderful relationship over the gubmint' stamp of approval on her LTR, then she should do so.
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