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Some quick background: both in late 20s, first relationship for both of us, have been together 3 years, have had some issues (particularly communication issues - I'm not great at sharing everything with her, and she usually shuts down and ignores me) and are currently going to couples counseling (not sure how much progress we've made).
The current issue: we only have sex around once a month. I'm generally not in the mood, for a combination of factors (I hate my job and it's stressful so when I get home I just want to relax; my sex-drive has generally gone down; I feel that the sessions last too long (45-50 minutes) and I get bored in the middle of them; she's gained a bit of weight since we first started dating, and I've lost some physical attraction to her; she has complained about her weight in the past but puts no effort into it, even though I try to encourage her to join me when working out, to eat healthier with me).
Well, last night she asked me why she always has to initiate sex/why we don't have it very often. I told her my sex-drive is generally lower, and thought that it was good to be honest, so I mentioned that I felt sessions were too long. She got incredibly mad right afterwards (my guess is because it came across as me not caring about her pleasure during sex? She's never orgasmed, but I don't believe she ever has on her own either, and I've certainly tried many different things with no success). She stormed off and wasn't willing to talk with me at all last night. I talked with a close friend and he said that next therapy session, we obviously need to discuss this. He also said that I should be fully honest and disclose the other reasons (weight and motivation) even though it might hurt a lot. Does that sound right? The therapy session isn't until the end of the week, how do I handle this before then? I mentioned communication issues above, and it's an issue for both of us.
Can offer more details about the relationship if needed.
Why are you in this relationships again?
You both appear to be wasting each other's time.
Female speaking here .... if I was with someone and they did not want to have sex with me I would be out of there lol.
The only different between a boy freind/ husband vs a freind or any other old person is that we are having a sexual relationship. Otherwise what the heck would be the point . If you are having all this issues and it has only been 3 years ... you both should seek the nearest Exit.
You need to make here feel special ,when you are hugging. Special like a cat that loves to be petted.
Be that mild horney porn guy while she is starting to like it, but make it all about her, and wanting to see her have fun. It has to be all about her.
You will get all your favors, but you need to realize, men are easy to please. Get your vitamin game up, especially vitamin d. Get your excercise, no one is talking the rock, but just to build your stamina and heart rate. Trust me it helps alot. Do free form squats through out the day, it boost testosterone. Ride a bike if you can, but keep active to release stress, and get your batteries charged.
There's a chance that another woman would "solve" the OP's libido issues, but there's also a 100% chance he will carry his own same old problems into any new relationship if he doesn't get to the bottom of them.
Bring another woman into their bedroom? Excellent idea.
Unless "low sex drive" = "fear of intimacy" instead.
Ever notice how all these threads have a fat woman in them?
We hear women say low sex drive all the time in regards to not wanting to have sex with their husbands, but not a single woman brings up fear of intimacy.
Let's be real. With both sexes. In all of these situations, the uninterested party isn't sexually attracted to their partner. Bottom line.
It's like, you guys can't fathom a woman being boring in bed! The thought!
Well, not THIS woman.
Besides, no, actually, I'm NOT saying it's not possible for a woman to "be boring" in bed, thanks. I was coming from a place of assuming the two people are mutually into each other.
It's like, you guys can't fathom a woman being boring in bed! The thought!
Well...to be fair, they've been together for 3 years, and he STILL hasn't managed to give her an orgasm yet. However, that hasn't stopped him from getting his release whenever they have sex. So...who's really boring who here?
Instead of complaining about his girl, I think the OP needs to accept some of the responsibility, as he obviously doesn't have mad skillz in the bedroom, or he would've been able to satisfy her as least once by now.
You mention her weight several times and acknowledge lack of motivation to do something about it.
Yet you don't seem at all motivated to find out how you could better please her so these "sessions" wouldn't last so long and "bore" you. I haven't heard anything that suggests YOU are willing to work on your own shortcomings.
Of course she was mad about the "sessions are too long" comment. Basically you are saying you'd rather be doing something else than connecting with her. Do you realize how hard many guys have to work just to get a woman into bed?
I think you need to own up to the fact that this is all about her weight gain. You have mentioned it several times and my impression is you're trying not to be "that guy" but you really are. Yes I know physical attraction is important but apparently after 3 years this relationship hasn't progressed to a level of depth beyond just appearance.
If you're going to bring up her weight gain, don't do it from the angle that you are no longer attracted to her. Make it about concern for her health first and foremost. I don't think that telling her that you don't find her attractive is going to bring about the results that you want. All that's going to happen is that she will feel like crap about herself. You mentioned going out to eat. Maybe substitute that for another activity. Some women are intimidated about going to the gym. Help her find an activity that she might like. Maybe go on a day trip that requires a lot of walking. And if you are spending that much time on foreplay, educate yourself a bit more on a woman's body and maybe bring some "accoutrements" into the bedroom. As for your stress levels, it would do you a lot of good to work on stress-reduction techniques. Maybe you hate your job and can't just up and leave for another one, but find some aspect of it that you do like. There's room for improvement on both sides.
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. If you are having all this issues and it has only been 3 years ... you both should seek the nearest Exit.
