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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,961,729 times
Reputation: 50652
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MLSFan
didnt read it either...
but why would a relationship be expected to be easy? its dealing with another person... people can barely keep plants or fish alive, why would they expect a personal relationship to be easy?
Speaking only for myself, I expect my relationships to be "easy". That includes family, extended family, friends, and my husband.
If it's not "easy", it's because of people don't know how to form a close relationship, they're difficult people, and others learn to put them in the outer circle because, yeah, they are incapable. They're kind of entertaining to witness, from a distance, but not up close.
And I can count on one hand the people in my life I've had to relegate to a distant position.
You know how to do relationships or you don't, IMHO. And in my observation, its whether someone has taught you and modeled for you how to do successful relationships.
I've been married 33 years, going strong, raised 3 kids to adulthood.
It's always rankled me that people say marriage is "hard work". It hasn't been in my case. "Choose wisely, treat kindly". There. That's pretty much it.
sounds like something bill engval once said to his wife early in the marriage you handle all the easy decisions, and i will handle all the hard ones. then he said in twenty years of marriage he has never had to make a had decision.
You know how to do relationships or you don't, IMHO. And in my observation, its whether someone has taught you and modeled for you how to do successful relationships.
Now that you mentioned it, I don't think I learned healthy relationships, and in fact, I don't believe such an animal exists. My parents used to fight constantly, and the arguments were really heated. Many a time, they fought about me, with me standing less than 10 feet away.
So pretty much ever since I learned what marriage was, I vowed to never allow any woman to get near me. Well, I had several relationships throughout my 20's, but I didn't enjoy any of them, other than the sex part. Today, I lost my sex drive, and any women who show romantic interest are told to stand back. I welcome friendships with women, but absolutely nothing beyond that.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 04-02-2018 at 09:52 PM..
Much as I love and miss the family members gone before me, I can't describe their relationships as either positive or healthy. I grew up around their mistakes (I'm the result of one), their resentments and their unspoken conflicts (my tribe did not attempt to resolve or even address disagreements- we painted on our game faces and carried on) and am loath to repeat any of them. Best, therefore, to opt out of the whole business and observe- somewhat baffled- from afar.
The only time my late mother ever addressed the subject of my possibly coupling was when she said 'you'll have to get yourself a girlfriend at some stage so you'll have someone to take to things.' I work around that by not going to 'things', and distancing myself to the point where I'm no longer invited. Win-win situation.
Much as I love and miss the family members gone before me, I can't describe their relationships as either positive or healthy. I grew up around their mistakes (I'm the result of one), their resentments and their unspoken conflicts (my tribe did not attempt to resolve or even address disagreements- we painted on our game faces and carried on) and am loath to repeat any of them. Best, therefore, to opt out of the whole business and observe- somewhat baffled- from afar.
My immediate family was the same way. You were supposed to pretend the fighting didn't exist, and act like a live-action Norman Rockwell painting. Even my extended family still doesn't know how my parents always fought.
I have no memory of my parents as a couple. They were together eight years and shouldn't have lasted eight minutes when all they had in common was their church.
Through life I have seen three (at the most) relationships, all between my friends, that seem beneficial. It'll take more than that for me to give it a try. So protective am I of my space and freedom, because I had so little growing up, that not even a gun to my head would convince me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Aren't you the same guy who questions if regular communication should be necessary for a relationship?
Because it's fairly difficult to be in a relationship with someone and not communicate with them regularly. One might call that, "not a relationship."
True enough.
Another issue I have with this premise is that people are interpreting "easy" as "better". A lot of the most rewarding and satisfying things I've done in my life were far from easy. Easy and simple can be considered synonyms, and I have no interest in relationships with simple people leading simple lives, and the more complexity there is the more space there is for clashing. Working through those complications can be very rewarding and help bring me closer to people.
This is such a hard thing to talk about without thinking, "What do you mean by easy?" Or the reverse, difficult?
There are people I know, who seem to NEED to fight sometimes. Yelling and even hitting or throwing stuff, that's just normal for them, and they feel like the only other option is bottling it all up. I guess they have more volatile natures? I had a best friend as a kid who was an Italian girl, I think her grandparents were immigrants...and her family featured fights that shocked and terrified me. But...they loved each other though.
I can't deal with that kind of over the top loud and uncontrolled emotionality. Whether it's my British DNA (stiff upper lip and all that!) or the fact that I've been around enough abusive people that even violent words freak me out. I loathe hostility in my home.
Then there are people who just seem to coexist in a state of silent contempt, trying to ignore the elephants in the room. I felt that way toward my ex for a very long time, that wasn't healthy either.
I'm in the best relationship I've ever had. It's...mostly easy? We have a constant flow of loving energy that does not waver. Once in a while, an idea will come up that one of us (or both) finds emotionally challenging. We are both "processing" and overthinking people...so we chew on it, and talk about it. Such things don't seem to do any real damage. And generally we each take responsibility for our own feelings, and don't try to control the other with them. Yet both of us are protective of the other, and may voluntarily modify behavior to protect the other, without it being demanded. We have yet to have anything I'd call a "fight" but we've had some pretty extended respectful discussions.
I guess I'd personally evaluate a relationship by asking, "Do both people feel positive feelings more often regarding the relationship, or negative ones?" If it's negative, then only serious life survival logistics (in my opinion) have any business keeping the two people together. Like the needs of children (now THERE is a relationship that sure won't always be "easy.") Life is too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy just because of an institution.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
There are people I know, who seem to NEED to fight sometimes. Yelling and even hitting or throwing stuff, that's just normal for them, and they feel like the only other option is bottling it all up. I guess they have more volatile natures? I had a best friend as a kid who was an Italian girl, I think her grandparents were immigrants...and her family featured fights that shocked and terrified me. But...they loved each other though.
I can't deal with that kind of over the top loud and uncontrolled emotionality. Whether it's my British DNA (stiff upper lip and all that!) or the fact that I've been around enough abusive people that even violent words freak me out. I loathe hostility in my home. .
There is another type of non-easy (probably several ones, but I run into this one often enough). They aren't fighting, but they thrive on discussing important issues, intense issues, issues that are deeply emotional. Conversations with them are never lighthearted, it is just not how they are wired. There is a realness, and an intensity, and the conversations aren't "easy" because the issues aren't easy.
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