Shouldn't relationships be easy? (wives, girls, separate, spouse)
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There is another type of non-easy (probably several ones, but I run into this one often enough). They aren't fighting, but they thrive on discussing important issues, intense issues, issues that are deeply emotional. Conversations with them are never lighthearted, it is just not how they are wired. There is a realness, and an intensity, and the conversations aren't "easy" because the issues aren't easy.
I think that's why I had a hesitation and a difficulty, trying to speak to this subject in light of my current relationship. We do this. We talk a lot, and we don't avoid talking about anything just because it's "hard" to talk about.
Yet I don't think that any of it ever causes bad feelings between us. Like...neither of us is left feeling, "Oh my god, why am I stuck here with you, I don't even LIKE you!" as I used to with my ex, or feeling injured or miserable or hostile. These conversations never feel...unsafe.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I think that's why I had a hesitation and a difficulty, trying to speak to this subject in light of my current relationship. We do this. We talk a lot, and we don't avoid talking about anything just because it's "hard" to talk about.
Yet I don't think that any of it ever causes bad feelings between us. Like...neither of us is left feeling, "Oh my god, why am I stuck here with you, I don't even LIKE you!" as I used to with my ex, or feeling injured or miserable or hostile. These conversations never feel...unsafe.
If that makes any sense?
Right, exactly. That makes sense. These convos aren't "easy", but that isn't a negative. That's my concern with the notion of this thread. Easy = good, difficult or challenging = bad. I do not agree with that premise.
In fact, I've had several relationships that were and could have remained very easy. One reason they were so easy was the lack of emotional investment. There was no fire, no intensity, no passion.
I guess I'd personally evaluate a relationship by asking, "Do both people feel positive feelings more often regarding the relationship, or negative ones?" If it's negative, then only serious life survival logistics (in my opinion) have any business keeping the two people together. Like the needs of children (now THERE is a relationship that sure won't always be "easy.") Life is too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy just because of an institution.
You nailed it! Looking back, my overall feelings in my past relationships were negative. I just believed it was normal to be miserable in a relationship, and happiness came only from hobbies and friends. (I harbor this belief to an extent even today, actually.) Due to how my family always acted, they drilled into my head that relationships are supposed to be unpleasant. Plus, I used to like sex when I was younger, and relationships are the only way to get it for most men.
My most recent girlfriend took the cake in that department. With her, even during romantic dinners or while getting intimate, I always hyper-vigilant, lest she gets upset at something say or do. If she did, there was endless volatile screaming and berating---in person or by blowing up my phone---and she refused to let me "take a step back and cool off". So when I broke up with her, I was over her pretty much in a week, and it was a 2-year relationship. (In retrospect, I was probably "over her" in my mind long before the breakup.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
In fact, I've had several relationships that were and could have remained very easy. One reason they were so easy was the lack of emotional investment. There was no fire, no intensity, no passion.
If "fire/intensity/passion" is what my last girlfriend was going, then anyone who tries to create that in my life would get thrown out faster than Rump on impeachment day.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 04-03-2018 at 09:51 AM..
Why do two lives need to worth in sync to begin with?
They don't. They absolutely don't.
But then, they wouldn't be in a relationship, unless you're talking physics, distal bodies, the butterfly effect, and so on.
People don't cross paths, slam together in impassioned tryst, then walk away pretending they've shared on any form of communicative or meaningful level.
"But what is meaning, anyway?"
Well, meaning suggests (but doesn't necessarily imply, nor should it be inarguably inferred) that the tryst or encounter holds some relevance for at least one of the people all-but-non-involved in this hypothetical Schrodingerian relationship (where it matters and doesn't matter, both at once).
"Why does it have to matter at all?"
It doesn't. That's back to the question of why lives would need to be in sync, again suggesting a relationship, in the romantic sense.
"I didn't say it had to be romantic. I asked whether relationships should be easy."
That's true, but you did it in a relationships forum, and without specifying that you were talking about covalent electrons rather than two people in enough of a relationship to suggest more than ships passing in the night, affecting one another with no more than oceanic ripples.
"That's all a nice bunch of noise, but you're not really saying anything. You're just mouthing off and acting superior."
Just playing along, just playing along. We're all here to have a good time.
Why would people envision something so unrealistic?
There are times I, and others, will sit and ponder... Do you have any concept of what most humans are attempting to accomplish when they seek a relationship, like at all?
You are hardly the first poster here I've wondered this about, but dude. Do you even human?
Even with my ex, and the toxic tar soup we lived in for almost two decades, I would say that for the most part our lives worked in sync. We were a TEAM. We had each other's backs. When I had an emergency, he stepped up and saved the day. When he was in the hospital, I visited him and washed his hair. When he was in the military and a corrupt officer (who was stealing gear and selling it on the black market) tried to make a scapegoat of him, I wrote a diplomatic letter to his leadership and got an uninvolved third party to investigate, so he didn't get busted for that BS. Each of us brought our best strengths, and covered our partner's weak spots.
We accomplished a lot together.
And if he hadn't gone bat-poop and threatened to shoot me, we might still be accomplishing a lot together.
Not always easily, nor always happily, but more or less in sync.
Like people DO when they share a life. Which is the whole reason most people are doing the "relationship" thing in the first place, in case you were not aware.
Why do two lives need to work in sync to begin with?
Not saying they must or have too but some . when you've been married 20 or 30yrs , family, work, life, being together all that time, you'll find out it's just plain frickin hard and a pain in the ass if there isn't at least some kind of sync
There are times I, and others, will sit and ponder... Do you have any concept of what most humans are attempting to accomplish when they seek a relationship, like at all?
You are hardly the first poster here I've wondered this about, but dude. Do you even human?
Like people DO when they share a life. Which is the whole reason most people are doing the "relationship" thing in the first place, in case you were not aware.
I've actually studied a lot of psychology and sociology. You would find what I know about relationships pretty staggering. I probably know more than you.
What I've learned is people don't like to own up to their true motivations. For instance, a person will rarely say "I'm in a relationship because I'm insecure and afraid of being alone" or "I'm in a relationship for the lifestyle and financial benefits" or "I'm in a relationship to live up to a certain social, religious or family image". That's too dark. But its often the truth. Not to say some people are not truly in love. But those people are not as numerous as we all want to believe.
Relationship motivations are a mixed bag of positive motivations and dark motivations. People only like admitting to the positive ones.
The people who get irritated by the questions I ask are usually the people with the darkest motivations. Motivations they may not even want to admit to themselves. No question about relationships or how they work should be upsetting when your motivations are pure.
When I ask questions.. I'm seeking to learn people's motivations. People who are at peace with their motivations give the most direct and drama-free answers. Those who are NOT at peace with their motivations get irritated with me and seek to change the subject or paint me as dysfunctional for asking the question.
Hope that answers all your questions.
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Looking back, my overall feelings in my past relationships were negative. I just believed it was normal to be miserable in a relationship, and happiness came only from hobbies and friends. (I harbor this belief to an extent even today, actually.) Due to how my family always acted, they drilled into my head that relationships are supposed to be unpleasant. Plus, I used to like sex when I was younger, and relationships are the only way to get it for most men.
If "fire/intensity/passion" is what my last girlfriend was going, then anyone who tries to create that in my life would get thrown out faster than Rump on impeachment day.
