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I do acknowledge there are problems with huge age gaps but 11 is borderline to me.
Age gaps are irrelevant.
Only the insecure are hung up on ages.
All successful relationships are based on compatibility and compatibility is determined by communication, trust and personal and common goals, not age.
Age wasn't even a factor until the 1940s, and that was because of social changes stemming from technology.
The mechanization of agriculture allowed people to stay in school until the 10th or 12th Grade, instead of dropping out between the 4th and 8th Grades to work on the farm. Remaining in school longer allowed people to form a number of different types of relationships with a larger number of people. It then became more common to associate with people of your age group.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SenorChip
depends on the age of the two, if you have 43 and your partner 32 i don´t see as a big deal. If you have 32 and your partner 21 it could work but will be difficult.
A 21 yr old is too young & still in school...doesn't work with a 32 yo. But same age difference of 32 & 43...different story.
Come back when he is 75 and you are 55. Your 20 year gap is nothing now, but it will become an issue later.
I am 77.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I think it's those middle years that are fine, the young side and the older side is where we can potentially have problems.
Right but I feel it depends on what you mean by "an issue" (John)...or "problems" (Chow)... Like is it an issue or a problem when we fully expect old age and everything that comes along with that? We anticipate what is likely to be the reality of the situation, which is that he's going to be an old man who needs care, as old people usually do. I've DONE that. My ex had major intestinal surgery in his 30's. Believe me, I've taken care of people who needed care. I've had kids. I've wiped bottoms. I'm not afraid of that. Thing is, I'm not on the hook for any elder care where my own parents are concerned, so we actually plan to be involved in that kind of thing starting fairly soon with HIS father, and then continuing with me caring for HIM.
I compare that to a couple who are very close in age...what happens when both of them are old together? If they both need care at the same time, and neither is young and able enough to fully provide it for the other necessarily? Then they either both go into a home, or they get a younger relative involved if they're lucky or hire people to come to their home, to help them. And whoever that is, they've got to help TWO infirm old people.
So to be honest, I'm not seeing much of an issue at all. Will I still find him sexy and on my level when he's in his mid-70's, or older? *shrug* Perhaps not. But I have no doubts that I will still love him enough to give him whatever he needs in that stage of life. He is giving me everything he's got now. I can hardly bail just because he gets old, since we're all going to do so.
The other thing is, I think he's more apt to lose his attraction for me as I age (and I'm honestly a bit sensitive/worried about that) compared to the other way around. It has to do with the difference in how men look at women, and what men want from women...compared to how I see men and what I want in men. I've never been obsessed with youthful looks. Can't say the same about what my boyfriend finds attractive. And I know it.
Theoretically, an 11-year-difference isn't a big deal. But it CAN be, depending on the people involved.
My ex-husband is 12 years older than me, and, though I don't think it directly caused issues, it certainly exacerbated them. What seemed like good idea when I married at 25 clearly no longer was when I divorced at 48.
Theoretically, I wouldn't want to be with a man that much older now.
Worth mentioning I guess...it seems like something of a factor anyhow...
My boyfriend and I at 60 and 40 respectively, part of the reason it works ok is that he is very young for his age. He even said it was one reason he couldn't really connect with women in his own age group, he didn't FEEL that old. He doesn't look that old, he looks like he's at least ten years younger. He doesn't feel that old physically because he's fairly healthy and active (despite having the occasional "old guy" health matter crop up, it's nothing that affects mobility or holds him back much...he just has to be seen by doctors a couple times a year, that sort of deal.) And he doesn't feel mentally old, because he has found a lot to love in popular culture throughout his lifetime and remains open minded to new books, TV, movies, music, and so on. He is not stagnant in his tastes and opinions. He continues to pursue learning.
I think that makes a huge difference.
Physically I suspect he'll be one like some older people I've known where they are young and fit and active until all of a sudden something happens and they aren't. A very abrupt change. My Stepmother's Dad was like that. I don't recall what exactly it was, but he had one of those big health catastrophes that just struck him...it was like he went into it young and came out of it old. I think he lived some 5-10 more years, but like even his hair went from mostly dark to white in a matter of months.
Truly it is the only part of being in an age gap relationship that is bittersweet. I finally found my Person, it feels like he is my perfect match. But we have what feels like so few precious years to enjoy one another, even in a best case scenario. I have so many dreams of things I would like to enjoy with him, and I'm still fighting to get my sons on their way as adults, so that we can do any of it together. But regardless, we find many ways to enjoy life together and neither of us would trade this for anything else we could have.
He doesn't feel that old physically because he's fairly healthy and active (despite having the occasional "old guy" health matter crop up, it's nothing that affects mobility or holds him back much...he just has to be seen by doctors a couple times a year, that sort of deal.) And he doesn't feel mentally old, because he has found a lot to love in popular culture throughout his lifetime and remains open minded to new books, TV, movies, music, and so on. He is not stagnant in his tastes and opinions. He continues to pursue learning.
I think that makes a huge difference.
I completely agree. Like I said, my ex and I had other issues besides age but he literally decided to be old, act old, etc.
11 years is borderline huge, I think. My husband is 12 years older than I. We were 34 and 46 when we met, but he is very physically active/fit and I tend to relate to older people because my parents were in their mid 40's when I was born. I'm an only child.
I would say the age difference has caused more issues now that he's retired and I'm not. We're in two different phases of life. He wants to relax and putter, but I'm not ready for that! I feared this would be an issue when we met and told him he couldn't just shut it off and expect me to do so at the same time when he retired, and he agreed he wouldn't. And he hasn't stopped doing stuff. But, he wants to do just what HE wants to do now. And he's earned the right to do that...except that I'm not in the same place, being of working age. So that can be tough.
In general, I think it's best if people are closer in age. But there are tons of variables. However, more than a say 5 year difference merits a discussion and serious thought when deciding whether to get seriously involved with someone, I think. Just my opinion. YMMV.
Logged on the computer and there's an article on MSN homepage about an older guy regretting marrying a much younger woman. I was expecting at least a 15+ age gap but it turned out it was only 11 years. I thought it was bit of an exaggeration but I guess the more exaggerated the headline the more clickbaits it gets, which got me. https://www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/...tanntp#image=1
I do acknowledge there are problems with huge age gaps but 11 is borderline to me.
Gaps change with age. When one person is 19 and one is 30, it's a big deal. When one is 35 and one 46, less so.
My other 1/2 is much older by 7 years. Never bothered us. We basically have the same likes - food and music.
The only thing about someone being older - they'll retire before you (most likely, anyways).
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