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11 years is borderline huge, I think. My husband is 12 years older than I. We were 34 and 46 when we met, but he is very physically active/fit and I tend to relate to older people because my parents were in their mid 40's when I was born. I'm an only child.
I would say the age difference has caused more issues now that he's retired and I'm not. We're in two different phases of life. He wants to relax and putter, but I'm not ready for that! I feared this would be an issue when we met and told him he couldn't just shut it off and expect me to do so at the same time when he retired, and he agreed he wouldn't. And he hasn't stopped doing stuff. But, he wants to do just what HE wants to do now. And he's earned the right to do that...except that I'm not in the same place, being of working age. So that can be tough.
In general, I think it's best if people are closer in age. But there are tons of variables. However, more than a say 5 year difference merits a discussion and serious thought when deciding whether to get seriously involved with someone, I think. Just my opinion. YMMV.
Good luck.
Question...
Do you both feel able to do things without the other one doing the same things with them sometimes?
I've found that these problems can arise when couples have the expectation that most or all activities should be shared. My partner and I don't have the same social activity needs for instance, but I accept that he will want to be at home doing his own thing maybe a bit more than me, and he accepts that I'll want to be out spending time with friends maybe more than he will. I go to discussion groups, have dinners out with good friends, volunteer, and stuff like that, and he is fine with not always being involved. I know people who would be very insecure about that kind of situation, but we aren't.
I had a need to travel and go to concert events when I was married, and it was a source of contention for us, but I held my ground on it.
I think that people need to do their best to be realistic about their needs, and how they can get them met, and one thing I learned from poly (which is more than just a thing people do, there's a lot of writing out there on best practices that I feel is sound advice for most relationship types) is that it isn't always good to expect your partner to fulfill every need that you have. While for most of us that will NOT mean that we seek out other romantic partners, and that's obviously fine, what it can mean is having friendships and social support that takes care of such things, or simply making your own needs a priority even if your partner is not interested in sharing an activity. Traveling solo, for instance, can be a lot of fun. At least I've found it to be so.
When you look "up" it looks like a lot, but actually it depends so much on every individual person.
For example, i am am 40 now. I see people of that age who are overweight, are all the time exhausted from their work, and when they come home they want to watch tv. Others of the same age have an active lifestyle, go to the gym every second day and still look slim and dynamic.
If you want a relationship however, its always important what you have in common. A physically active person would probably not be very happy with someone completely inactive in that regard.
My last longer relationship over several years was with a girl also about 10 years younger. Did the age matter? No! I was more active and had more endurance than she was and we went out dancing, hiking, playing tennis and so on. Nobody even realized that there was an age gap. It just didnt matter at all.
My last longer relationship over several years was with a girl also about 10 years younger. Did the age matter? No! I was more active and had more endurance than she was and we went out dancing, hiking, playing tennis and so on. Nobody even realized that there was an age gap. It just didnt matter at all.
This is why these age gap related relationship articles by cosmopolitan and other dumb online magazines are pointless.
USA divorce rate is 50% and I bet virtually none of those divorces are primarily due to age differences. As usual Western societies focus on the wrong things
This is why these age gap related relationship articles by cosmopolitan and other dumb online magazines are pointless.
USA divorce rate is 50% and I bet virtually none of those divorces are primarily due to age differences. As usual Western societies focus on the wrong things
This has nothing to do with magazine articles. This is real life.
As a 52-year-old woman, I would have little to nothing in common with the vast majority of men 15+ years older than I. I think many women feel the same way. I also wouldn't want my 22-year-old daughter to end up with a much older man, and that is in no way focusing on the "wrong things."
Would you want to be with a woman 15+ years older? I'm guessing not, so are you focusing on the "wrong things"?
Not at all for me. I'm often attracted to people who are more than 11 years older.
Depends on what you want, I guess. If you're looking for a lifetime partnership it'll obviously be different than if you're just looking for a fun activity or sex partner.
My brother is 63 and his wife is 74 and starting to have major health issues.
He is becoming resentful of having to be her caregiver.
Health issues happen at any age. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. Your brother needs to look up assisted living options. In short order he will be unable to care for himself as well anyway. The Philippines has a medical retirement permanent Visa program which I intend on using. For your monthly U.S. social security check, you can live out your final days being well taken care of.
That's another thing that my boyfriend and I discussed. I told him that I do reserve the right to consider placing him somewhere if he develops issues that are beyond my ability to handle. I did not want his expectations to be unrealistic (they really weren't anyhow, but it doesn't hurt to talk about these things.) When he needs care, I'll do everything I can...but there is only so much that one smallish woman can do. Lifting and moving him will be out of the question, and if he needs around the clock monitoring for dementia or something, if I can't handle it, I can't guarantee I can be his sole caregiver. I can only offer to do my best.
His mother developed dementia and passed away about 5 years ago. His parents had been married a very long time, and his father cared for her until she was gone, at home. While it was heartbreaking to his Dad to lose her, and he's kept the house exactly as it was more or less, it's clear that she was the love of his life and he honors her memory. I am very certain that he would not have missed the joy of having her to spare himself the pain of losing her. And that is life, man. They were not so far apart in age. He was nearing 80 when she died. Sometimes hardship is hardship no matter when it comes along. And we can't really count on being able and healthy for years and years anyways. Anyone could get into a terrible car accident or something and need to be cared for, that's why "in sickness and in health" is part of the deal.
Come back when he is 75 and you are 55. Your 20 year gap is nothing now, but it will become an issue later.
I am 77.
I was just skiing with my attorney/retired Navy Commander friend Pete last weekend. He's 77. He runs road races. His mother made it to 100. He has both genetics and environment on his side. His girlfriend is 60. There's no gap and probably won't ever be a gap.
I think it’s a more significant gap at age 30 or younger and age 60. At 30, a 19 year old is really young. At 60, you’re contemplating retirement and 49 is peak career age.
This is what I've been seeing with my sister's marriage. She was 34 when they met, he was an old-soul 19. Boy, did I tease her! But here we are, 20+ years later. She admitted they had a few generation-gap situations early on. And now she's 56, and not in great health (thanks partly to a lifetime of bad choices). My BIL is not going to have an active, fun mid-life, he's going to be taking care of his elderly wife.
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