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I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
It really depends on the couple.
For me, sex is important and directly tied in with the intimacy and romance of the relationship, and I couldn't imagine not having sex on a regular basis with my man.
Everyone is different. You just have to figure out what's best for you.
This doesn't make it any clearer because you are talking about 3 different women but using the pronoun "her" as if I'm supposed to magically know which "her" it is. For a minute I thought the friend was sleeping with your mom's husband.
SO anyway... it sounds like you're comparing two marriages, one in which the husband is sleeping with someone besides his wife because he and his wife aren't having sex, and another in which your mom's other friend has sex with her own husband every night.
The first thing to do is recognize that there is a difference between "sex" and "intimacy." They are not interchangeable.
Some people use the word "intimacy" as a substitute for "having sex," but many people don't understand that intimacy is an emotional state. You can't have intimacy without trust. It's a state of closeness where you feel safe to be yourself and to be honest with your partner. In my opinion the best sex is with someone you are emotionally connected to.
But lots of people just have sex without intimacy. Which is fine. Even married couples in love sometimes just have quickies because they want to. Not every single time is a magical fairy tale experience.
The next thing to understand is that you will be surprised as you get older at how much people will tolerate in a relationship.
For a married couple to stop having sex altogether means there is something wrong emotionally. They can't connect, and it's their responsibility to figure out why and fix it.
But it's difficult to be married for decades to the same person. It really is a choice you have to make every day to remain faithful to that person regardless of what or who comes along in life.
Your idea of sex only with one partner for life is the ideal, but as you are figuring out humans are far from ideal, and they often make choices they think will help but that sometimes end up hurting.
It may also help you to know that you never REALLY know what is going on in other people's bedrooms, and many people say things that aren't true.
You make me laugh you're really funny in a good way makes me realize I'm awful at explaining things. My mom didn't mention anything about herself, my dad has passed and she doesn't have a husband. She also wouldn't talk to me about her own private life but somehow has no problem sharing other people's.
The people she was referring to are two friends of hers. One is named Vicki the other Mary. The two stories are respective. It all started because we were talking about how her friend Vicki's husband has been cheating on her for 5 years. I overheard a phone call between them and asked my mom what that was about.Then, when I asked my mom why her Vicki's husband would do that, she said the excuse Vicki's husband gave Vicki was that they hadn't been having any sex whatsoever for 7 years, so then that made him want to look for it elsewhere. Then, when I told my mom that that sounds so incredibly wrong she was all like "yes, but sex is very important in a marriage and men need to have it" and then she talked about her friend Mary as an example of that. She was like "Mary and her husband have sex every single night and their marriage is very healthy and they love each other very much" to prove to me that in a marriage you need to have sex.
Did this make things any clearer? Sorry for not being clear earlier.
By the way, what you're saying is true because Vicki and her husband have been married for over 35 years, since they were like 20. And my mom told me taht even though he's been cheating on her for 5 years, with the same person, she doesn't want to divorce him. It's totally insane I couldn't believe it when my mom told me that.
Yeah I agree I told my mom "what is Mary is lying" and she was like "no" and I thought to myself how would you know are you there. lol.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to know, thank you! I agree! And I think enjoying sporty or cultural activities together is way more normal because if an entire marriage revolves around physical intimacy then I feel like that's unhealthy and can lead to major problems. What my mom said just really worried me because it in part made me feel like it's all guys care about. Which would suck.
You know, it is absolutely normal to work all day, go out to dinner, attend a show or sporting event, and still go home and have sex before bed. Having relations every day does not take all your free time.
Only on special occasions seems kinda sad to me, unless, of course, both parties are not that interested in sex. Usually, both men and women like sex with the person they love.
I agree with this. That's why I think it's toxic for my mom to say that for a marriage to be healthy, you HAVE to have sex all the time. I would never want that, it sounds, I don't know. I really hope that not all guys want that, I'm really worried.
I went to the doctor last week.
Because I am 74, the nurse was required to ask probing questions. Among them, "Are you still sexually active? ... If so, how often?"
"Yes" .... Oh, 3 - 4 times a week."
The nurse turned red and could not look at me for the rest of the interview.
I was putting her on, but only because I didn't think it was an appropriate question and was none of her business. That's not why I was there.
My message to you: Someone is putting your mother on.
Yeah, I actually also thought her friend may be lying, but my mom is convinced she isn't.
I agree with this. That's why I think it's toxic for my mom to say that for a marriage to be healthy, you HAVE to have sex all the time. I would never want that, it sounds, I don't know. I really hope that not all guys want that, I'm really worried.
It's not ALL that guys want.
Your mom sounds like she has a very traditional, old-school view of sex within marriage.
Yes, men need sex, but women need sex too. You will find this out as you get more involved with someone you're REALLY into.
The challenge is in getting those times to align.
But as Murk said, sex is one part of a good relationship. Trust me, sometimes the sweetest part of the day is getting in bed next to that person you love and turning to them ....
I agree with this. That's why I think it's toxic for my mom to say that for a marriage to be healthy, you HAVE to have sex all the time. I would never want that, it sounds, I don't know. I really hope that not all guys want that, I'm really worried.
Find someone who isn't very sexual but is still affectionate and loving towards you. These guys DO exist. It's all about being with someone who is compatible with you in this area.
Your mom is giving you TMI, and about people you actually know, no less! Not a good choice.
OTOH, limiting sex only to "special occasions" isn't realistic for most couples. Everyone finds their own pace, but daily isn't that unusual. You may see things differently in a couple of years; it could be, that your hormonal changes haven't hit full force yet.
In any case, the important thing is, that you find a good match with regard to frequency of sex, when you're in a relationship. There's no one pre-determined schedule that works for everyone. There's a lot of individual variation. Having frequent sex doesn't mean it's not "special", either. Sex is about bonding.
I know it's really gross I'm never going to look at her friend the same lol. I wonder how she'd feel if she knew my mom told me that. Funnily enough my mom has no problem talking to me about other people's lives but never lets me in on hers. Like she would never give me the details of her own sex life. Right now though since she doesn't have anyone it's not like there's much to tell but still.
Yeah but, do all guys want to have a lot of sex even after marriage? This is going to sound naive but I kind of thought that people have sex a lot before they get married, and then kinda stop and minimize it after marriage. Especially after having kids. I thought maybe once a year? I don't know. But these people have been married for like 13 years and have two kids. Isn't it normal for them to have it less. Because I know that when I'm married, I won't want to do that every single night. And I'd hate having to be forced to by my husband.
. I thought maybe once a year? I don't know. But these people have been married for like 13 years and have two kids. Isn't it normal for them to have it less. Because I know that when I'm married, I won't want to do that every single night. And I'd hate having to be forced to by my husband.
Believe me darlin', you tell a boyfriend that and you won't need to worry about getting married.
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