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Old 07-12-2019, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,590 posts, read 5,110,817 times
Reputation: 14132

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Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I've been going to a therapist for 3 months now. It has been a slow progress, but a progress nonetheless. He and I both noticed the differences... It just wasn't enough yet.
I've been working on my PTSD for 30 years. You think 3 months is significant enough to give him confidence?

The thing about being dysfunctional and living with it for a lifetime is that you have no idea what normal looks like. So getting to normal takes a lot of baby steps.

Keep stepping!!!!
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Old 07-12-2019, 09:39 PM
 
337 posts, read 86,062 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I understand he is done. But I'm just saying.. he wants me within the proximity for future tryings sake. Ya know?What he wants is a better version of what we had, with me, cause what we had was 'irreplaceable' or whatever.

Well then go now and make the better version of you. Which means getting your anxiety, anger, and PTSD under control. Your therapist will help get you there. I personally know someone with PTSD and it took 4 years of therapy to get through it, and they still may have anxiety/anger when certain triggers happen. But very rarely now.



I think you'll need several years to get to an emotionally healthy place so that MAYBE he might come back into your life, but DON'T count on it or wait for him. Your goal is to be healthy to even be in a relationship. You can't have anxiety/anger in a relationship like you've had with him, even if it only happens sometimes. When your PTSD is triggered, to a partner it's like you've become a different and very irrational person. They can't handle how irrational it is.



So stay in therapy and know you WILL get better, and finally be able to have a healthy relationship.
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Old 07-14-2019, 12:25 AM
 
13 posts, read 2,438 times
Reputation: 10
So, me and him had a hour long talk after signing the divorce receivement papers. It wasn't initially about us, but another thing that has really bothered him and he ended up emotionally confiding in me on that. And I consoled him...and its like, this is the thing he wouldn't do with me. Just open up. After that, the talk segued into me telling him that he has to take a leap of faith to and at least try and open up to me like he did there..cause, the past 3 months have been a wait and observe what I do and if I can earn his trust to talk to me about things, but that can't be proven unless he is willing to take a chance and attempt it, and I am not a mind reader.... and that is the only way to know. He seemed to understand this quite well and started just.. apologizing for inconveniencing me with the divorce, that I am the one he wants to grow old with, and he doesnt want me to leave, and that he would still call me his wife (not GF) since the D process is well, in process. He even huggled and kissed my neck when he went to bed whereas this morning was a whole lot of...live your life and I will live mine, move on/ in not feeling it ...kinda stuff
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:10 AM
 
118 posts, read 18,730 times
Reputation: 181
He shouldn't be saying these things about possible reconciliation if he's asking for a divorce. It's not fair and I feel he is leading you on with that. You should see this as final and get on with your life. I wish you all the best with your recovery.
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,379 posts, read 41,922,817 times
Reputation: 83333
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post

...live your life and I will live mine, move on/ in not feeling it ...kinda stuff
Same message as before.
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:30 AM
 
2,118 posts, read 1,693,761 times
Reputation: 2560
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
He seemed to understand this quite well and started just.. apologizing for inconveniencing me with the divorce, that I am the one he wants to grow old with, and he doesnt want me to leave, and that he would still call me his wife (not GF) since the D process is well, in process. He even huggled and kissed my neck when he went to bed whereas this morning was a whole lot of...live your life and I will live mine, move on/ in not feeling it ...kinda stuff
Perhaps it's a feature of his being on spectrum, but he seems to have an extraordinary ability to compartmentalize. It can seem contradictory and like mixed signals to most, but perfectly logical to him. I know I can be that way too sometimes, although not to this degree. I strongly urge you two to be apart both in time and space.
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Old 07-14-2019, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,821 posts, read 2,209,847 times
Reputation: 4843
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
He shouldn't be saying these things about possible reconciliation if he's asking for a divorce. It's not fair and I feel he is leading you on with that. You should see this as final and get on with your life. I wish you all the best with your recovery.
It could be his way of trying to let her down easy. Breakups are never easy.
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Old 07-14-2019, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,544 posts, read 7,815,429 times
Reputation: 16012
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. The first thing I'd say, as someone said to me, "He's very confused right now." His Asperger's makes this all much more difficult.

As I read your post(s), what very clearly stands out to me is the co-dependency of this relationship. Perfect example, you're continuing to question him about "if it was real, etc." You looked to him to calm your emotions rather than do it yourself or experience your emotions for what they were. Often in a co-dependent relationship one partner becomes mentally and psychologically exhausted. Sounds like he's there. What he is telling you is that he no longer wants that kind of relationship. It has nothing to do with love.

You can tell him that you don't agree with a divorce, but you have to be willing to stand your ground on that. It doesn't mean he won't get a divorce, but you can refuse to make it easy for him.

At the end of the day all you really can do is fix yourself and learn to handle your own emotions and thoughts. I know first hand that is not an easy thing with PTSD. It took me several years of weekly therapy to get there. Our brain actually changes physically with PTSD so the kind of "rewiring" we have to do takes time and a lot of effort. Even now, 10 years later, I do occasionally experience triggers. The big thing is I know how to handle them and dismiss them rather than go down a rabbit hole of fear and anxiety.
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Old 07-15-2019, 12:30 PM
 
13 posts, read 2,438 times
Reputation: 10
Im not sure what to think anymore. I told him what I did and he said it was like I was a different person, listening to him. He wanted to shower with me, asked of he could cuddle me last night, rub lotion on me. He is all feeling bad and im just kinda...guarded but i meant what I said. He held me and I couldn't help but just....bawl. He told me he loves me and wants to do this journey of individuals therapy ..together, and he doesnt want me to leave ans wants to grow old with me. I dont even know where to process. I haven't had to time to process anything but raw pain and denial....
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,379 posts, read 41,922,817 times
Reputation: 83333
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
Im not sure what to think anymore. I told him what I did and he said it was like I was a different person, listening to him. He wanted to shower with me, asked of he could cuddle me last night, rub lotion on me. He is all feeling bad and im just kinda...guarded but i meant what I said. He held me and I couldn't help but just....bawl. He told me he loves me and wants to do this journey of individuals therapy ..together, and he doesnt want me to leave ans wants to grow old with me. I dont even know where to process. I haven't had to time to process anything but raw pain and denial....
Ridiculous.



Snap out of it, woman.
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