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I do Crossfit and S/C 5 days a week. That has been its own source of tension for us. Yes, she has the time and ability to go do so herself.
So you don’t really help out much with the kids and housework? Being a 24/7 carer for the last 11 years, maybe you could take over more of those duties.
You should offer to take the kids and do all the housework as soon as you get home and give her copious free time to go fulfill herself and perhaps start working part time. She will probably spiff herself up to attract employers and clientele. Show her how it’s done- keep up all childcare and housework and be fashionable, with good hair and grooming.
This is the way. 100% best reply in this thread.
OP, the way you present your situation is from your perspective. Now can you shift gears and see it from hers?
She is the children's caregiver, the housekeeper, the cook, the laundress, the appointment maker and keeper, probably also the chauffeur and the bill payer. Then you come along when she's overworked and under appreciated, and tell her you will magnanimously be a parent to your own kids (briefly) by taking over the kids for a few hours as a "treat" where the treat is actually for you, getting her to look more attractive to you.
I would be beyond depressed if this was the story of my life.
But if she isn't working she'd have plenty of time and he is so he wouldn't have anywhere near as much so why would he go too over board on housework and kids too. If she isn't work wth is she gonna do ?
l'm sorry to say op and this is only in my case and other marriages l've observed but usually no matter the cause , she probably won't reverse unless she actually wants to herself.
Even in my case my ex w was going through big stuff that was 11yrs ago, she has a new very easy life and new hubby now, but she's twice the size.
She actually trimmed right down after we broke up and started dressing really nicely again too , most do , it was very short lived though and nowww , well !
l tried everything back in the day. My partner now is very petite and just enjoys looking after herself she's always been like that it;s just her style and l think that's where it's at. lt has to be something they just like doing ,being and want themselves.
I'm no prize, but I'm far, far more active. I like to hike, kayak, go for daily walks, etc. It's hard to get her to do anything but, maybe, a short walk.
It's a big problem for me. I'm not a couch potato, and I don't want one, but that's where we're going.
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I think depression is the obvious answer, but getting her to do something about it is another monster. We have two younger kids (6 and 11) that I offer to take all the time so she can have a day to herself to pamper, etc.... I have offered countless times to move our schedule so she can go to the gym and have her time, but it's excuse after excuse. I guess I know the answer....just wonder what others have done or what else I can do. I am at a loss, and she and I have discussed it at length. I end up feeling kind of stupid and bad for even saying anything.
Flexing about how you crossfit 5x a week and manscape, etc.... You said that's been a bone of contention. I'm not surprised.
If you have time for that after work and doll yourself up to the point that you feel awkward when your wife compliments your look (which I find truly bizarro) as she's dealing with the needs of your two kids, an "offer" to help by taking the kids so she can go get herself done up for you rings hollow. You're doing that because that's what you want and has nothing to do with you wanting to help her at all. It's all about you. She likely can feel that. I sensed it in your post and don't even know you.
It's great that you're talking , but if she really is stressed or depressed or anxious, ask her what she needs to do to feel better about herself. It might not be the same thing as what you think that she needs--maybe it's not pampering and the gym at all.
We have talked at length. She feels slighted about her gym time and wanted to do CrossFit, but doesn't feel she can, though I have offered and said repeatedly I would take the kids and she can have her 2- hours. Anyhting to get her up and moving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
If you have discussed this issue at length what does she say?
See above....feels overwhelmed, but doesn't really want my help. Not sure how to approach that one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghobi
You should offer to take the kids and do all the housework as soon as you get home and give her copious free time to go fulfill herself and perhaps start working part time. She will probably spiff herself up to attract employers and clientele. Show her how it’s done- keep up all childcare and housework and be fashionable, with good hair and grooming.
Hmmmm, seems like a sarcastic response? Men work hard too and have very little time, just in a different way. No one is denying that being a stay at home mom is very difficult and time consuming. Doesn't mean you quit though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty
These past two years have been rough for a lot of people as well as hard on their interpersonal relationships. Does your wife work from home? I only ask because I wonder if that got her into the groove of not taking her usual care with her personal hygiene and appearance as well as perhaps causing some emotional issues as in person work can sometimes be a social outlet in a way that working from home is not.
I can also say that depression or just a feeling of general malaise could be an underlying cause of these changes in your wife. It's not easy either being the person who's personally dealing with depression or the person/people who care for the person who's dealing with depression. (I've had experience with both roles; neither is easy with easy, pat solutions.)
This input is very much appreciated. I'll respond more in depth after work. Thank you.
Flexing about how you crossfit 5x a week and manscape, etc.... You said that's been a bone of contention. I'm not surprised.
If you have time for that after work and doll yourself up to the point that you feel awkward when your wife compliments your look (which I find truly bizarro) as she's dealing with the needs of your two kids, an "offer" to help by taking the kids so she can go get herself done up for you rings hollow. Pretty serious accusation for reading text on a forum.
You're doing that because that's what you want and has nothing to do with you wanting to help her at all. It's all about you. She likely can feel that. I sensed it in your post and don't even know you. That is quite the amazing ability to be able to tell agenda and motives through a forum post
You angry much? Yeah, I am just a narcissist looking for excuses. Thanks. Move on. Stating facts is not flexing. How would like me to say it? "I'm so sorry guys, I really hate myself, but I do CF "X" days a week....ONLY because I hate myself"? Jesus man....get real.
FYI, SHE got me into CF because she used to be a personal trainer and wanted to get back into it herself. SHE likes the manscaping. Why would anyone do it to begin with?...why am I even explaining this? Forums are such a cesspool sometimes.
But if she isn't working she'd have plenty of time and he is so he wouldn't have anywhere near as much so why would he go too over board on housework and kids too. If she isn't work wth is she gonna do ?
l'm sorry to say op and this is only in my case and other marriages l've observed but usually no matter the cause , she probably won't reverse unless she actually wants to herself.
Even in my case my ex w was going through big stuff that was 11yrs ago, she has a new very easy life and new hubby now, but she's twice the size.
She actually trimmed right down after we broke up and started dressing really nicely again too , most do , it was very short lived though and nowww , well !
l tried everything back in the day. My partner now is very petite and just enjoys looking after herself she's always been like that it;s just her style and l think that's where it's at. lt has to be something they just like doing ,being and want themselves.
We have talked at length. She feels slighted about her gym time and wanted to do CrossFit, but doesn't feel she can, though I have offered and said repeatedly I would take the kids and she can have her 2- hours. Anyhting to get her up and moving.
I guess the question is does she feel pressure from you about her body and her appearance, so she thinks CrossFit is what you want to hear? If she had 2 hours on a regular to do whatever she wanted to get back in the swing of things, would it be the gym or something else (therapy? pottery class? book club? etc.) If she's not doing okay, that should be more of a priority right now than making sure that she gets hot again.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 10-10-2022 at 11:22 AM..
I'm saying this as nice as I know how...but is it possible that your wife has gotten the message (and I think she has) that you no longer find her attractive? That she's not good enough for you in her present state?
What if she wanted alone time to say...take an art class, or go to the Farmer's Market on Saturdays instead of you 'granting' her alone time to go to the gym, get her nails done, etc.
Again, I'm really trying to not come across as harsh...but it kind of seems like you will grant her free time, but only if it's to do stuff YOU want her to do.
I'm sure we don't know all the details...and I don't think of you as "the bad guy" here. It's just that I'm a woman, and I'm trying to think how I would process your requests...and maybe it would make me sad, if my husband was implying that I had to jump through his hoops for him to want to be around me anymore.
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