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Serious question. I would like to know other's experiences, male or female, and how you dealt with it. In my case, it is my wife. She started dressing more frumpy these last two years, won't do her hair, and sometimes won't shower for longer than I'd prefer. I have tried to be gentle and very softly push..."hey, I love it when you get your done, so make an appt" or "let's get dressed up and go on a date this week, even if it's at the house after the kids are asleep" or "man I love it when you wear such and such or do your hair a certain way". I dunno....been married 11 years and I love her and don't have wandering eyes, but I am really struggling and losing interest. I will not cheat, never. That is not my MO, but I also know that I am waning in attraction and it scares me.
I am sure anyone would say, "well what are YOU doing to stay kept or in shape"? I do Crossfit and S/C 5 days a week. That has been its own source of tension for us. Yes, she has the time and ability to go do so herself. She used to be a personal trainer LOL.... I manscape, shower daily, and don't dress like a dork LOL....she always tells me how good looking I am, almost to the point of awkwardness for me. So, I "think" I am doing my part. I get pretty jealous of couples that work out together or go to a CrossFit gym together. There are many at mine.
I am really not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to deal with a real issue that I know other couples deal with.
It doesn't seem to me that you are being a jerk or putting her down, just genuinely trying to figure this out and you have pretty much said and done all you can do other than just being honest. Also, you only seem interested in the way she dresses (or lack of caring) and her hair it's not like you're calling her fat or anything else. Just tell her that you miss the way she used to get her hair done and dress nice so you can take her out and show her off. If things don't change then do what you need to do for you (without cheating) of course. You sound like a great guy, I'm sure she'll listen.
I dunno brother, if you’ve been married for 11 years and can’t just tell your wife she stinks and needs a shower without fear of how she’d react… what has been goin on for those 11 years? Do you not have mutual respect for each other?
I dunno brother, if you’ve been married for 11 years and can’t just tell your wife she stinks and needs a shower without fear of how she’d react… what has been goin on for those 11 years? Do you not have mutual respect for each other?
lol. I like you. That would be me. I told my former room mate last year just that - and voila, he started showering.
My ex husband started sitting around all weekend in his bathrobe and wife beater, not showering and not brushing his hair. I told him this even looks trashy on Hugh Hefner and to please have some respect, shower, and put on clothes or at least be fully naked.
It doesn't seem to me that you are being a jerk or putting her down, just genuinely trying to figure this out and you have pretty much said and done all you can do other than just being honest. Also, you only seem interested in the way she dresses (or lack of caring) and her hair it's not like you're calling her fat or anything else. Just tell her that you miss the way she used to get her hair done and dress nice so you can take her out and show her off. If things don't change then do what you need to do for you (without cheating) of course. You sound like a great guy, I'm sure she'll listen.
If someone told me that, I’d tell him to shove off. I don’t want anyone to “show me off” like some sort of trophy or prize. Part of what seems to have happened during the pandemic is that people realized that certain outfits were actually not all that comfortable. Yeah you make look cute in heels, tons of makeup, and with some fancy hairdo, but is the experience of wearing the clothes pleasant? I think a lot of people just got to the point where they were home and comfy and realized that hey- being at home and comfy is actually kind of nice!
I still do fitness activities, mainly because doing physical activity makes me feel better. I am not a partner fitness person though. I would much rather have a specific goal I mind to do myself than go to a class with a friend or partner. I have a friend who is a fitness instructor. She became one when she was working from home because it was a decent way for her to get out of the house and burn off some energy without the kids.
Last edited by RamenAddict; 10-14-2022 at 02:29 PM..
If someone told me that, I’d tell him to shove off. I don’t want anyone to “show me off” like some sort of trophy or price. .
Yeah, a partner telling you he wants you to dress up and do your hair and makeup so he can "show you off" in public would probably press all kinds of negative buttons for anyone but the most self-confident or narcissistic women.
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I think depression is the obvious answer, but getting her to do something about it is another monster. We have two younger kids (6 and 11) that I offer to take all the time so she can have a day to herself to pamper, etc.... I have offered countless times to move our schedule so she can go to the gym and have her time, but it's excuse after excuse. I guess I know the answer....just wonder what others have done or what else I can do. I am at a loss, and she and I have discussed it at length. I end up feeling kind of stupid and bad for even saying anything.
"A day" to herself to pamper? That's not enough. It has taken me three years to collect clothes that look stylish on me and that were affordable. So now I just wake up and "throw" something together. It looks effortless but really wasn't. The motivation to dress better came when my family became more independent which left me more free time. But my husband still took me out and didn't use that as an incentive to get me to dress better.
Hair is another issue. My hair changed at some point; it never used to be frizzy. Blow drying it every day is a pain and I refused to do it with everything else on my plate. Now I have a routine that works for me, but that took time to research.
"A day" to herself to pamper? That's not enough. It has taken me three years to collect clothes that look stylish on me and that were affordable. So now I just wake up and "throw" something together. It looks effortless but really wasn't. The motivation to dress better came when my family became more independent which left me more free time. But my husband still took me out and didn't use that as an incentive to get me to dress better.
Hair is another issue. My hair changed at some point; it never used to be frizzy. Blow drying it every day is a pain and I refused to do it with everything else on my plate. Now I have a routine that works for me, but that took time to research.
Good points. This raised the question in my mind, "what about weekends? How does she spend weekends, and how do the two of you spend them?" I guess there are always the kids to look after, so maybe for her, weekends aren't a break. That kind of puts a new perspective on the situation. Except the OP says, he takes the kids pretty often, and makes an effort to arrange free time for her. But still...
Good points. This raised the question in my mind, "what about weekends? How does she spend weekends, and how do the two of you spend them?" I guess there are always the kids to look after, so maybe for her, weekends aren't a break. That kind of puts a new perspective on the situation. Except the OP says, he takes the kids pretty often, and makes an effort to arrange free time for her. But still...
My thoughts on the looks are that if she’s gained 20 pounds, none of her clothes fit, and they may have gone down to 1 income, it may be that she doesn’t want to go out and spend a ton of money on a new wardrobe. I work from home now too and while I’ve gained some weight, I am not particularly interested in spending tons of money on new clothes either. My makeup collection has mostly expired as well and I certainly haven’t rebought everything… getting everything at that level again is just too expensive and unnecessary. Presumably the OP still leaves the house to go out to work and still has to do all the things you do outside the home. It makes it a bit different.
lol. I like you. That would be me. I told my former room mate last year just that - and voila, he started showering.
My ex husband started sitting around all weekend in his bathrobe and wife beater, not showering and not brushing his hair. I told him this even looks trashy on Hugh Hefner and to please have some respect, shower, and put on clothes or at least be fully naked.
Hahahahahaha.....this made my day. Not your misfortune, but your response.
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