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When I think back to the time when my kids were little, it was a time of intense pressure and exhaustion, whether I was staying home or after having gone back to work. As the kids get older, maybe things will even out, maybe they won't. I tend to agree that OP, you're more concerned about looks than perhaps you should be at this stage of the parent game.
I'd tread lightly. I had a husband who stopped taking care of himself, so I relate to some of what you're asking about. But my concern wasn't his attractiveness. I was concerned that he no longer cared about anything, especially how he felt about me and other people and how we felt about his lack of hygiene. But especially me. Looking way back (it was 35 years ago) it's clear that he was depressed and not addressing it. He also was avoiding intimacy, emotional as well as physical.
Don't forget, you asked people here for their opinion. It's not that they are being overly critical. Respectfully, it seems like you're being a bit too sensitive and concerned on a surface level. When my kids were little I HAD to care more about the housework, yardwork, cars, bills, kids, pets, etc. It goes with the territory. It wasn't until the kids were older that I was able to come up for air and care about my appearance as much as I did prior to motherhood and being a householder. Not that I ever totally let myself go. It just wasn't as important for a period of time.
I hope the both of you can reach a compromise after talking things out in an effective way. It does seem as though you've made some appropriate gestures. It's just that the two of you haven't really come to clear terms about the core cause of this situation.
I was going to suggest starting by inviting her to take walks with you after dinner, or whenever, for the togetherness and opportunity to re-bond, as much as for the exercise. But then I realized the kids would have to come along. But maybe that would work if they could go on trikes/bikes, while you two walked and enjoyed the environment. Maybe going to a park once a week for a change of pace outside of the neighborhood. Enjoying the fall colors and so on.
Any form of exercise, even walking, helps dispel depression. Just getting the body moving, kicking the circulation up a couple of notches, makes a difference, especially if done regularly.
It's too bad she feels this way so relatively early in life: with 2 grade school aged kids, but maybe it does have something to do with Covid.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-10-2022 at 12:07 PM..
I like how people find excuses in depression and being overwhelmed or even put it on the OP.
Sometimes people let themselves go and it is just as simple as being lazy, not caring because she feels secure in her relationship and not giving a crap because she thinks she doesn't have to put effort in it anymore because - where will you go?
I have dated such people. I don't really care for most of the issues but if the hair gets out of control I will let him know. Nice at first. Then direct. It has worked for me.
I like how people find excuses in depression and being overwhelmed or even put it on the OP.
But actual depression isn't just being lazy and making excuses. It's debilitating; it's going through the motions of life and not finding any enjoyment in things that used to be important to you. We don't know that depression is what the OP's wife is experiencing, but if she is, it's not something that she can easily snap out of by trying harder.
You angry much? Yeah, I am just a narcissist looking for excuses. Thanks. Move on. Stating facts is not flexing. How would like me to say it? "I'm so sorry guys, I really hate myself, but I do CF "X" days a week....ONLY because I hate myself"? Jesus man....get real.
FYI, SHE got me into CF because she used to be a personal trainer and wanted to get back into it herself. SHE likes the manscaping. Why would anyone do it to begin with?...why am I even explaining this? Forums are such a cesspool sometimes.
It would be interesting to know how the people look like who write such comments.
You angry much? Yeah, I am just a narcissist looking for excuses. Thanks. Move on. Stating facts is not flexing. How would like me to say it? "I'm so sorry guys, I really hate myself, but I do CF "X" days a week....ONLY because I hate myself"? Jesus man....get real.
FYI, SHE got me into CF because she used to be a personal trainer and wanted to get back into it herself. SHE likes the manscaping. Why would anyone do it to begin with?...why am I even explaining this? Forums are such a cesspool sometimes.
Not angry at all. I call it as I see it. That was my takeway from your posts. It would behoove you to look internally if a situation that you posted about evoked that reaction. Considering the number of reps I got, a lot of others read your situation like I did. But get mad, call it a cesspool and lash out. That'll help.
I have several personal trainers in my circle of colleagues and friends and they live to workout. Kids or no kids, they live and breathe to workout and will find the time. If your wife was a personal trainer that has no get up and go, then there's something going on there that has nothing to do with being lazy and thinking she has you trapped. Posters who suggest that tend to appoint themselves experts on others' lives when they have had a situation that they view as identical, when in fact they're only similar.
I actually find the lack of personal grooming (not showering or tending to her hair) a lot more worrisome than having no pep to work out. People may stop working out or eating well if they settle into a relationship, but hygiene issue are another matter entirely.
Not angry at all. I call it as I see it. That was my takeaway from your posts. It would behoove you to look internally if a situation that you posted about evoked that reaction. Considering the number of reps I got, a lot of others read your situation like I did. But get mad, call it a cesspool and lash out. That'll help.
I have several personal trainers in my circle of colleagues and friends and they live to workout. Kids or no kids, they live and breathe to workout and will find the time. If your wife was a personal trainer that has no get up and go, then there's something going on there that has nothing to do with being lazy and thinking she has you trapped. Posters who suggest that tend to appoint themselves experts on others' lives when they have had a situation that they view as identical, when in fact they're only similar.
I actually find the lack of personal grooming (not showering or tending to her hair) a lot more worrisome than having no pep to work out. People may stop working out or eating well if they settle into a relationship, but hygiene issue are another matter entirely.
This is what the OP needs to focus on. For a lot of people it's easier to focus on the visible symptoms rather than the cause. I hope OP will have the will to look at the cause rather than the symptoms.
Serious question. I would like to know other's experiences, male or female, and how you dealt with it. In my case, it is my wife. She started dressing more frumpy these last two years, won't do her hair, and sometimes won't shower for longer than I'd prefer. I have tried to be gentle and very softly push..."hey, I love it when you get your done, so make an appt" or "let's get dressed up and go on a date this week, even if it's at the house after the kids are asleep" or "man I love it when you wear such and such or do your hair a certain way". I dunno....been married 11 years and I love her and don't have wandering eyes, but I am really struggling and losing interest. I will not cheat, never. That is not my MO, but I also know that I am waning in attraction and it scares me.
I am sure anyone would say, "well what are YOU doing to stay kept or in shape"? I do Crossfit and S/C 5 days a week. That has been its own source of tension for us. Yes, she has the time and ability to go do so herself. She used to be a personal trainer LOL.... I manscape, shower daily, and don't dress like a dork LOL....she always tells me how good looking I am, almost to the point of awkwardness for me. So, I "think" I am doing my part. I get pretty jealous of couples that work out together or go to a CrossFit gym together. There are many at mine.
I am really not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to deal with a real issue that I know other couples deal with.
Mostly ok but this is easy to see through. Just say let's go to someplace nice. Are you helping around the house so that she's not too tired to fix herself up? Other than that, I can't really suggest anything.
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