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We have talked at length. She feels slighted about her gym time and wanted to do CrossFit, but doesn't feel she can, though I have offered and said repeatedly I would take the kids and she can have her 2- hours. Anyhting to get her up and moving.
She wants to spend more time with you. Find a gym that has childcare or a a playroom. Don't send her off to the gym by herself.
Not to say raising 2 kids and running the house isn't a damn hard job but once they're school age a lot changes.
My mum raised 10 of us , and actually really enjoyed looking after herself and most of the stuff she did actually, it was the way she liked it.
Why anyone would need nannies and drivers and cleaners and God knows what with only two kids unless she's working full time too, is beyond me, it sounds ridiculous.
Not to say of course op's a dad and hub too and of course he'd love time with his kids and prob does all the time, and his w, and or messing about the house ad stuff, or to say she couldn't use a break and me time, or us time.
But that's stuff two people just work out together if she wants too, he hardly sounds unreasonable .
Apologies to those really trying to help. It is very much appreciated that you would take the time for a total stranger and give me helpful input, not just toxic words meant to damage me on the process. The lack of details was only due to a time issue and I am trying to provide more for a complete picture and being HONEST. I may need to see more of her side, though I thought I had been trying. I may be more harsh than I realize, though I think I have been slow and steady and loving in trying to communicate. I may not see it at all and she wants out 100%....I don't think so, but I just need to know that if it's the case. I may just be a narcissistic toxic male who is a mouth breather and doesn't understand that women are not just for sex and food...... annnnnyways
LOLOL! Welcome to C-D.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AH283;
I'll have more responses and input tomorrow. We did have a good discussion with each other after I posted this, but some of it was repeating the same stuff from this convo 6 months ago, while some of it was a real look inside to see what I and we are doing wrong or missing. More later....
That sounds potentially productive. Congrats on getting that far. Report back, if you can handle the free-for-all here.
Not to say raising 2 kids and running the house isn't a damn hard job but once they're school age a lot changes.
My mum raised 10 of us , and actually really enjoyed looking after herself and most of the stuff she did actually, it was the way she liked it.
Why anyone would need nannies and drivers and cleaners and God knows what with only two kids unless she's working full time too, is beyond me, it sounds ridiculous.
Not to say of course op's a dad and hub too and of course he'd love time with his kids and prob does all the time, and his w, and or messing about the house ad stuff, or to say she couldn't use a break and me time, or us time.
But that's stuff two people just work out together if she wants too, he hardly sounds unreasonable .
Appreciate the thoughtful input. Her full time job is SAHM. It's what she wanted. That may change, but I doubt it. I'm open either way. Yes, I do feel like my hands are full as well, Bur no complaints. It is what it is and I try to stay positive with a "get it done" mindset. My kids and she deserve that.
LOLOL! Welcome to C-D.
That sounds potentially productive. Congrats on getting that far. Report back, if you can handle the free-for-all here.
Thanks! And I can handle it LOL....I just hate non productive conversation. But most here, and thank you for that, have been more than helpful. The input has been received and appreciated.
Serious question. I would like to know other's experiences, male or female, and how you dealt with it. In my case, it is my wife. She started dressing more frumpy these last two years, won't do her hair, and sometimes won't shower for longer than I'd prefer. I have tried to be gentle and very softly push..."hey, I love it when you get your done, so make an appt" or "let's get dressed up and go on a date this week, even if it's at the house after the kids are asleep" or "man I love it when you wear such and such or do your hair a certain way". I dunno....been married 11 years and I love her and don't have wandering eyes, but I am really struggling and losing interest. I will not cheat, never. That is not my MO, but I also know that I am waning in attraction and it scares me.
I am sure anyone would say, "well what are YOU doing to stay kept or in shape"? I do Crossfit and S/C 5 days a week. That has been its own source of tension for us. Yes, she has the time and ability to go do so herself. She used to be a personal trainer LOL.... I manscape, shower daily, and don't dress like a dork LOL....she always tells me how good looking I am, almost to the point of awkwardness for me. So, I "think" I am doing my part. I get pretty jealous of couples that work out together or go to a CrossFit gym together. There are many at mine.
I am really not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to deal with a real issue that I know other couples deal with.
There are certain things you just have to accept with age. That being said there are some things that aren't because of age.
You said this was your wife so she's a lady. A lot of people put on some weight through covid and the real nice clothes she has may make her feel like she is fat. Because they don't fit quite as good anymore. And that could begin a bit of a downward spiral.
So I would say talk to her about it but don't frame it in the sense that you're losing interest, ask because you are concerned about her I clearly you are there may be something else going on. So I would suggest talk to her about it.
Also women are quite Keen on things like loss of interest so she already knows that. It also might be on purpose.
Appreciate the thoughtful input. Her full time job is SAHM. It's what she wanted. That may change, but I doubt it. I'm open either way. Yes, I do feel like my hands are full as well, Bur no complaints. It is what it is and I try to stay positive with a "get it done" mindset. My kids and she deserve that.
Ha! You just reminded me of the time when I had a 3-1/2 yr old and an infant several months old. So we decided to get some away time, unusual for us, and my mom and her husband came to take care of the kids and the pets for 2 nights (it was a weekend). We made this pact that we were NOT going to talk about bills, or the house, or the yard, or the cars, or the kids, or the pets, or his job, etc. etc. That lasted about a minute LOL.
We went home early.
But getting away is a good idea. Make it a one nighter. Or something!
Ha! You just reminded me of the time when I had a 3-1/2 yr old and an infant several months old. So we decided to get some away time, unusual for us, and my mom and her husband came to take care of the kids and the pets for 2 nights (it was a weekend). We made this pact that we were NOT going to talk about bills, or the house, or the yard, or the cars, or the kids, or the pets, or his job, etc. etc. That lasted about a minute LOL.
We went home early.
But getting away is a good idea. Make it a one nighter. Or something!
I imagine it's either that or you spend the whole weekend sleeping.
Kids operate at full throttle all the time until they pass out I'm not a parent but I have enjoyed a few nights looking after kiddos.
I can't imagine how different it is when you live with that day in and day out.
I didn't read all the posts. But if she's a SAHM, what does she do all day when the kids are in school? There's certainly enough time in her day to take a shower and put on fresh clothes.
Curious about her hair since you mentioned it several times. How do you want her to do her hair? Can't she wash it and style it attractively herself without needing an appointment at a salon?
I disagree with the people who are pinning her behavior on depression. To me it's laziness. She got her man, she has the ring on her finger, and now she's taking you for granted and letting herself go. She's gotten lax sitting at home. A woman who has to go out to work every day, maybe to an office, HAS to look decent. This woman just doesn't seem to give a flying Fart. I truly respect and value women who want to be SAHMs but the truth of the matter is that a woman who is home all the time is going to get lazy and let herself go. I got this way myself by working from home and then hibernating during Covid. I certainly shower every day but I let my hair go and I don't put on makeup or nice clothes because I might soil my good clothes when I'm cleaning.
I think she needs tough love. None of this "you poor thing, I'm sorry you're depressed".
I think OP should tell her like it is...no ***** footing around...tell her he's unhappy about her hygiene and her laziness and that she needs to shower and put on decent clothes.
I actually agree with you to a point, smt. Who among us hasn't gotten really lazy at certain points in our lives?
Right now as a retired person with health issues with nowhere to go (rural area, high gas prices), limited funds for entertainment, I've let a lot of things go. I'm working myself back up to motivation, and digging myself out of the current funk I'm in. This is a cyclical thing in most people's lives - being motivated, that is.
Getting that message across (your final sentence) as harmoniously but as firmly as possible is what's needed here. Your words are certainly one way to deal with it. I wouldn't say that she's depressed (though I stated that earlier) so much as that she is "stuck in a rut." Again, we all get stuck at various times in our lives.
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