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So you don’t really help out much with the kids and housework? Being a 24/7 carer for the last 11 years, maybe you could take over more of those duties.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me
This is the way. 100% best reply in this thread.
OP, the way you present your situation is from your perspective. Now can you shift gears and see it from hers?
She is the children's caregiver, the housekeeper, the cook, the laundress, the appointment maker and keeper, probably also the chauffeur and the bill payer. Then you come along when she's overworked and under appreciated, and tell her you will magnanimously be a parent to your own kids (briefly) by taking over the kids for a few hours as a "treat" where the treat is actually for you, getting her to look more attractive to you.
I would be beyond depressed if this was the story of my life.
This is a good example of posters reading things into posts that were not stated and making unwarranted assumptions.
Why would you write a response like this when the OP could come back and tell us that they have a live-in nanny, a driver, a scheduler, a maid service, a laundry service and a cook? He could also have all bills set on auto-pay. Better yet, he could also be doing a lot of these things himself.
Most of the above is actually realistic for upper middle class households. A lot of families in tonier suburbs do have au pairs or nannies and also have cleaning crews. The latter is really not that expensive--you can probably get a cleaner to come twice a week for $150 depending on how large your home is and where you live.
Serious question. I would like to know other's experiences, male or female, and how you dealt with it. In my case, it is my wife. She started dressing more frumpy these last two years, won't do her hair, and sometimes won't shower for longer than I'd prefer. I have tried to be gentle and very softly push..."hey, I love it when you get your done, so make an appt" or "let's get dressed up and go on a date this week, even if it's at the house after the kids are asleep" or "man I love it when you wear such and such or do your hair a certain way". I dunno....been married 11 years and I love her and don't have wandering eyes, but I am really struggling and losing interest. I will not cheat, never. That is not my MO, but I also know that I am waning in attraction and it scares me.
I am sure anyone would say, "well what are YOU doing to stay kept or in shape"? I do Crossfit and S/C 5 days a week. That has been its own source of tension for us. Yes, she has the time and ability to go do so herself. She used to be a personal trainer LOL.... I manscape, shower daily, and don't dress like a dork LOL....she always tells me how good looking I am, almost to the point of awkwardness for me. So, I "think" I am doing my part. I get pretty jealous of couples that work out together or go to a CrossFit gym together. There are many at mine.
I am really not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to deal with a real issue that I know other couples deal with.
She might be over the marriage and just ready to move on.
OP, the way you present your situation is from your perspective. Now can you shift gears and see it from hers?
She is the children's caregiver, the housekeeper, the cook, the laundress, the appointment maker and keeper, probably also the chauffeur and the bill payer. Then you come along when she's overworked and under appreciated, and tell her you will magnanimously be a parent to your own kids (briefly) by taking over the kids for a few hours as a "treat" where the treat is actually for you, getting her to look more attractive to you.
I would be beyond depressed if this was the story of my life.
Great post !
OP read this post daily to see her world !
This is the way a lot of relationships go, the woman is totally exhausted from an unreasonable schedule, and the husband expects the wife to look glamorous ?! Get real ! I feel sorry for your wife, hopefully she'll do ok through meno.
Go to couple counseling so you both can have at least a plan for sharing all the chores and taking care of the kids.
She might be over the marriage and just ready to move on.
That could very well be. We've had a number of SAHM OPs over the years, who post about feeling trapped in a terrible, loveless marriage that they don't know how to get out of, because they have no personal income and no family to turn to for support.
She may be looking for the exit but just feels defeated. Whether she stays or goes, I hope she gets the help she needs to get out of this quagmire. I agree with zentropa (as usual), in that this wife needs to get her own work going, spend time away from the home and away from the husband, so she can build her own identity and persona. Build back her sense of self and sense of worth.
But actual depression isn't just being lazy and making excuses. It's debilitating; it's going through the motions of life and not finding any enjoyment in things that used to be important to you. We don't know that depression is what the OP's wife is experiencing, but if she is, it's not something that she can easily snap out of by trying harder.
I do agree with this and I promise I have compassion. My mentality is NOT "get to the gym you'll feel better". These efforts of me trying to to help are not about looks AT ALL. She is rather hot and I am attracted to her. My attraction hasn't wained, though some have assumed I am the husband hinting at her to get for or lose weight (WTF ever)....quite the opposite....she has expressed to me what she misses and feels.like she no longer gets to do and I have been trying to help her do those things, whether they be CF or pampering or running or eating sushi with girlfriends. I do not care. I can not stress that enough. I just want her to be happy, have good hygiene, and pursue something outside of the home...but I get met with excuses and every reason not to and it's wearing on me because I feel like there isn't a way to have success or a way out of this. I know there is, but right now it's hard to see and it is taking its toll.
So I hope that clears up the "this guy is a douche wanting his wife to get her stuff together and have a tight bod". This isn't the 80s and could not be farther from the truth. I simply want her to feel better, WHATEVER that looks like.
When I think back to the time when my kids were little, it was a time of intense pressure and exhaustion, whether I was staying home or after having gone back to work. As the kids get older, maybe things will even out, maybe they won't. I tend to agree that OP, you're more concerned about looks than perhaps you should be at this stage of the parent game.
I'd tread lightly. I had a husband who stopped taking care of himself, so I relate to some of what you're asking about. But my concern wasn't his attractiveness. I was concerned that he no longer cared about anything, especially how he felt about me and other people and how we felt about his lack of hygiene. But especially me. Looking way back (it was 35 years ago) it's clear that he was depressed and not addressing it. He also was avoiding intimacy, emotional as well as physical.
Don't forget, you asked people here for their opinion. It's not that they are being overly critical. Respectfully, it seems like you're being a bit too sensitive and concerned on a surface level. When my kids were little I HAD to care more about the housework, yardwork, cars, bills, kids, pets, etc. It goes with the territory. It wasn't until the kids were older that I was able to come up for air and care about my appearance as much as I did prior to motherhood and being a householder. Not that I ever totally let myself go. It just wasn't as important for a period of time.
I hope the both of you can reach a compromise after talking things out in an effective way. It does seem as though you've made some appropriate gestures. It's just that the two of you haven't really come to clear terms about the core cause of this situation.
Excellent thoughts and input. Thank you. This does give me a lot ro think about and consider.
This woman needs to get a job, find her sense of self, and build an independent chunk of life away from the home and you.
While I don't entirely disagree, she has a job...a job harder than 99% of any "paying" job. And let me add that she WANTED this job and begged me to make it happen 10 years ago, and I have. We have been broker than broke before due to being one income in this effed up economy, but we have always made stuff happen without a ton of debt (again her desire, not mine). But yes, she need sher own deal and always has...but you can't make a person do what they don't want to, right? Seems I am hearing that a lot here.... but give her freedom...but don't pressure her....but stand back....but take the kids and let her be.....none of this is easy and I never thought it would be, but balance is everything.
This is a good example of posters reading things into posts that were not stated and making unwarranted assumptions.
Why would you write a response like this when the OP could come back and tell us that they have a live-in nanny, a driver, a scheduler, a maid service, a laundry service and a cook? He could also have all bills set on auto-pay. Better yet, he could also be doing a lot of these things himself.
Most of the above is actually realistic for upper middle class households. A lot of families in tonier suburbs do have au pairs or nannies and also have cleaning crews. The latter is really not that expensive--you can probably get a cleaner to come twice a week for $150 depending on how large your home is and where you live.
Thank you, seriously. I always appreciate fairness and levelheadedness. I do my own laundry on Sundays, cook my own breakfast and make my own lunches. I do suppers about half the time to give her time to chill. Would you even believe I can dress myself? Jesus Christ the assumptions by some.
Oh, I also do the finances, pay our bills, fix my own vehicles but she drives a 2022 Toyota SUV and I pay for it. I work 9-7 M-F and the weekends are family focused. I dunno. I guess I need to make more coin and do more around the house. Dishes? Cook more? I do run the vacuum cleaner a few times a week. I actually know how it turns on LOL
Apologies to those really trying to help. It is very much appreciated that you would take the time for a total stranger and give me helpful input, not just toxic words meant to damage me on the process. The lack of details was only due to a time issue and I am trying to provide more for a complete picture and being HONEST. I may need to see more of her side, though I thought I had been trying. I may be more harsh than I realize, though I think I have been slow and steady and loving in trying to communicate. I may not see it at all and she wants out 100%....I don't think so, but I just need to know that if it's the case. I may just be a narcissistic toxic male who is a mouth breather and doesn't understand that women are not just for sex and food...... annnnnyways
I'll have more responses and input tomorrow. We did have a good discussion with each other after I posted this, but some of it was repeating the same stuff from this convo 6 months ago, while some of it was a real look inside to see what I and we are doing wrong or missing. More later....
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