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Well, I wish I had time to respond to every post because I do appreciate them all. I won't take time to bother responding to the ones that are just jabs at me because they're unproductive and I won't change anyone's mind anyway. For some reason, people got really stuck on the weight thing and that actually is not an issue with me or with us. My issue is more, just an overall hygiene and taking care of herself so that she feels better about herself. I believe I stated that she is pretty darn attractive without makeup and her natural state and that is just fine with me, but I am more talking about hair that doesn't get washed for 7 days and just her overall not feeling good about herself. I did not push the gym because I want her to go to the gym, but rather because she expressed to me wanting to join a CrossFit gym or some sort of gym doing something like that because I seem really happy since I have done that. I get up 3 hours before anybody else gets out of bed so that I can do what I need to do and not affect anybody else or take time away from the kids or her when we are all together. I have offered to take the kids and trade schedules or take the kids in the evening so she can go do for herself everyday, or whatever needs to be done... But I'm not given a solution and my ideas are not good enough because they just don't work for her. So my question is this, plain and simple. What does work? There doesn't seem to be an answer at this point other than to leave her alone and let her be and she will figure it out... Her words.
I will leave this for the women who seem to have this picture of men like me as some self-serving narcissistic a-hole. 9 out of 10 men you meet are really pretty good people. We have demons that we struggle with and insecurities that you could not possibly imagine or begin to understand. We carry weight on our shoulders that you would never be able to begin to fathom. There is a lot we deal with from the time we open our eyes in the morning until the time we lay our head down at night. Am I good enough? Am I a good father to my kids? Am I loving enough? Do I look good enough to my wife? Do my kids want me around and like me when I'm around? Do they think I'm just a difficult person to deal with? Am I too much? Am I too little? So while you're busy, entertaining the idea in your head that I'm just some muscled up idiot who doesn't understand what it means to have a life with soul and substance, think again and get outside of yourself and try to get a real picture of two people just trying to make the best life they can and be the best people they can be for their kids and their community. If I didn't care or I thought that I was right, then I would not have asked the question and opened myself up for the tons of criticism I knew that I would receive.
On that note, we are trying to work it out and trying to be open to communication, but yes she has known she needs therapy for a year and a half now and I have highly encouraged it. I have offered to go together or, again, arrange our schedule so she can go by herself. But that conversation started two years ago, and I'm still asking the same questions and wondering if she'll ever be willing to really sit down and work on herself. Not for me, but 100% for her own well-being so she can enjoy this life she has been given.
In all fairness, I would ask anybody in any relationship... If one person is working and growing to better themselves, why isn't the other one?
How is this not clear as day to you? She TOLD you what she wants. You just don't want to accept it for some reason. Maybe you are coming to realize that you chose someone you just aren't compatible with.
The rest of your post was just mansplaining something that no one even asked about.
I am really not trying to be a jerk here, just trying to deal with a real issue that I know other couples deal with.
I like to be neat and clean, and I like my DH to be that, too. He can get lax at times, at which point I just tell him to clean it up. I am not nasty or nagging, I just tell him I married a well groomed man and prefer that he remain that way. No drama.
I like to be neat and clean, and I like my DH to be that, too. He can get lax at times, at which point I just tell him to clean it up. I am not nasty or nagging, I just tell him I married a well groomed man and prefer that he remain that way. No drama.
I agree with this. The problem is when they refuse to do it, like what happened in my former marriage. I know that I have said things in this thread that seem like criticism, but I've also seen that the OP is very concerned and is truly trying to figure things out.
That's why I've changed my view of this situation (what little I know of it).
IMO I don't think she should be left alone to "figure it out herself." And the reason for that is she'd not doing that. There is something more going on, and it's been going on for a while. If she won't talk about it, she won't. Period. That's very frustrating, and it's not fair to a spouse. My mother did that with our entire family. She absolutely refused to face her problems, or her change her behavior. We all suffered because of it. It's not fair, and it's not right. Does the OP's wife even care about anything he says? He has rights too.
Somewhere along the line the truth has to come out. I do not think it is fair to the OP that she just keeps on doing what she's doing for however long. It could go on for a long while. She's shutting down and clamming up for a reason. That's my point. What is the reason? And once that reason is known, how can it be resolved?
It seems like there might be something going on with her mentally. Depression, maybe? Start with a physical check up.
You don’t really give enough info. Do you have kids? Does she take care of them and the house the same way she used to? Do her friends or family notice anything?
I concur with possible depression. Not taking care of yourself is one of the classic signs.
...Somewhere along the line the truth has to come out. I do not think it is fair to the OP that she just keeps on doing what she's doing for however long. It could go on for a long while. She's shutting down and clamming up for a reason. That's my point. What is the reason? And once that reason is known, how can it be resolved?
You are much more invested in this than I am. When it comes down to solving the OPs situation, OP has two choices: address it with his spouse, or involve a professional. If he has tried that, the professional he involves could come in an array of types: doctor, minister/priest, lawyer. I've never been enthusiastic about interventions. In my experience with disturbed (and disturbing) people is that they don't work. Ultimately OP has to decide how long he wants to invest in a situation and go from there. I've had enough experience with disturbing individuals that I have a shorter patience span.
Your wife sounds like she is very depressed. Lack of hygiene is a major symptom. It’s been 2 years since you started the conversation. I think you need to decide if you want to live this way forever. If not tell her she must seek help or you are leaving.
Try to convince her to see her doctor for a physical to see if there’s anything else going on that would explain her behavior. She may need a anti-depressant. I think you are being very supportive but she’s too depressed to appreciate it.
I like to be neat and clean, and I like my DH to be that, too. He can get lax at times, at which point I just tell him to clean it up. I am not nasty or nagging, I just tell him I married a well groomed man and prefer that he remain that way. No drama.
This is how it should be.
The "I figure it out" is just a lame excuse from lazy people IMO.
Your wife sounds like she is very depressed. Lack of hygiene is a major symptom. It’s been 2 years since you started the conversation. I think you need to decide if you want to live this way forever. If not tell her she must seek help or you are leaving.
Try to convince her to see her doctor for a physical to see if there’s anything else going on that would explain her behavior. She may need a anti-depressant. I think you are being very supportive but she’s too depressed to appreciate it.
I agree with this and also believe that there is an issue with depression. I don't think it's just laziness on the wife's part.
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