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A lot of people are assuming the "invitation' is to the wedding. I agree it's rude to mention gifts then, but what about wedding showers? The purpose of those is to shower the bride & groom with gifts, usually stuff they may need to set up their new home. It's common then for registry info the be included.
Although some etiquette mavens disagree (perhaps all the best-known ones do, I don't know), I think it's okay to include that information in small letters at the bottom of a shower invitation. Shower invitations should be sent separately from wedding invitations, too, and they should be thrown be different people anyway (certainly not the bride's parents or, God forbid, the bride herself).
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Originally Posted by JerZ
No one owes you a thing. *Propriety* says a wedding gift should equal the approximate *value* of the per-plate cost of the reception.
I disagree. Propriety says that a guest should buy a gift equal to his or her inclination and budget. As a guest, I am not obligated to spend more on a present if the bride decides the ring bearer's pillow needs to be made out of imported silk handspun by Italian nuns.
Although some etiquette mavens disagree (perhaps all the best-known ones do, I don't know), I think it's okay to include that information in small letters at the bottom of a shower invitation. Shower invitations should be sent separately from wedding invitations, too, and they should be thrown be different people anyway (certainly not the bride's parents or, God forbid, the bride herself).
I agree. All the showers I have been invited to have included registry information. I know my friends who threw my showers for me included my registry information as well. I've never seen someone throw themselves their own shower - so I don't see it as being an issue. People want to know where someone has their registry.
Quote:
I disagree. Propriety says that a guest should buy a gift equal to his or her inclination and budget. As a guest, I am not obligated to spend more on a present if the bride decides the ring bearer's pillow needs to be made out of imported silk handspun by Italian nuns.
That's what I always do! I spent the same amount on two of my closest friends - one of them had a wedding that cost about 50 or 60K, one of them had wedding that cost about 5K. The cost of the wedding makes no difference to me - I'm not the one paying for it!
I disagree. Propriety says that a guest should buy a gift equal to his or her inclination and budget. As a guest, I am not obligated to spend more on a present if the bride decides the ring bearer's pillow needs to be made out of imported silk handspun by Italian nuns.
No, I agree with this. The per-head cost is the per-plate cost. Usually this ranges anywhere from $20 a head all the way up to $200 (though that high end is just that -- high end, evening, black tie -- and probably includes guests that can afford expensive gifts). It's never an obligation but propriety and tradition say you should "return" approximately the per-plate cost of each guest. That doesn't include anything else -- the gown, the decor, or anything.
Also: it's practicality that suggests you should stick with your own means, not propriety. Two different things but both should be options for guests.
And again, it's not demanded or expected. It's simply tradition and an approximation so guests have a jumping off point on how much to spend. Obviously the bride isn't going around telling everyone what she's paying for the food (well, with close friends and family members she probably does! ) -- it's just a general rule of thumb that's well-known and has been utilized for centuries.
I agree. All the showers I have been invited to have included registry information.
Yes. For a shower, the whole point is gifts. Traditionally, wedding showers were to get a couple started on things he or she would need for the household. Gifts are the bottom line at a shower (in addition to joining together for a pre-celebration). But there are many ways to celebrate in advance: a bachelorette party, the pre-wedding dinner, etc. With a shower it's a given that presents will be handed to the bride-to-be. It is therefore not against etiquette to put gift suggestions on a wedding shower invitation.
That's WAY different from putting gift preferences on a wedding and wedding reception invitation.
Yes. For a shower, the whole point is gifts. Traditionally, wedding showers were to get a couple started on things he or she would need for the household. Gifts are the bottom line at a shower (in addition to joining together for a pre-celebration). But there are many ways to celebrate in advance: a bachelorette party, the pre-wedding dinner, etc. With a shower it's a given that presents will be handed to the bride-to-be. It is therefore not against etiquette to put gift suggestions on a wedding shower invitation.
That's WAY different from putting gift preferences on a wedding and wedding reception invitation.
I don't think I've ever seen registry info in a wedding invitation - people usually have that info on the wedding website. I think I had ours on our wedding website. We didn't have our website info on the invitations though - it was spread through word of mouth.
I don't think I've ever seen registry info in a wedding invitation - people usually have that info on the wedding website. I think I had ours on our wedding website. We didn't have our website info on the invitations though - it was spread through word of mouth.
Exactly. You set up a registry with enough options for guests to comfortably choose from, or you spread the suggestion via word of mouth, and it is just that, a suggestion. You don't officially "ask" guests to hand you money, certainly not on the invitations! See below...
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Originally Posted by sharpie1234
Is there a polite way of requesting cash/gift cards instead of doing a registry and/or receiving other gifts?
how would this be worded exactly on the invitations?
I would want to give my friends and family whatever they wanted or needed most for their gift and we needed money. We didn't ask for it or anything. We registered for the 5 or so things we needed and people found out about our registry through word of mouth. We got one thing from our registry, one random weird gift, and everyone else gave us checks.
So, you think we were supposed to register for things we didn't need or want so that people would have something to give us? What a waste!
What an absolutely ridiculous assertion. There were no things that could be bought by registry, that you and your husband needed or wanted? You can set up a registration in practically every store that exists. Even Target. I bet you could manage to get your local gas station to have at least a handwritten registry for you that they could pull out from behind the counter. People could select from Twix Dark Chocolate, a gallon worth of gas or a refillable lighter with an American eagle on the front.
You can register at online companies, at physical store locations, at Amazon.com, which has pretty much everything a person can eat, drink, look at, do, insert, listen to, dress in, sit down on, etc., etc., at spas, at Super WalMart, at clothing stores, you can reserve car washes at the car wash place, register for spa services for the place you'll be spending your honeymoon, home improvement stores, local markets, "big lot" type stores, arts and crafts stores, fishing supply stores.........
You didn't need anything from any store that exists and is willing to have a list taped somewhere near the cash register, except for five things? Then what did you need the money for?
Some people will give money, regardless. That's their choice. Or it should be. That's why registries exist in the first place: to give guests a choice, or to take the choice to simply give a cash gift instead. That wasn't good enough for you, combined with all the whisper-whisper "give them cash" word of mouth stuff? Or were you and your husband literally homeless and starving to death? In which case, how did you manage to afford a reception for 40 people? (Things that make ya go "hmmm.") Girlfriend, please.
You do not try to guarantee an income from your wedding by offering only five choices out of 40 gifts. Not if you have a shred of class. And that was the original question: what the diplomatic way to do this would be. There is none.
What will people do? Well, that's a different question entirely and the answer is exponentially broader, and often, unsavory to contemplate. But "can" you ask for/demand/pigeonhole people into paying an entrance fee to your reception, basically? Sure. People can do whatever they want. That doesn't mean what they do is right or fair. If you're looking for confirmation that you were "allowed" to give people "no choice" (your words) but to give you cash, of course you were allowed; it was your wedding. If, however, you're looking for support that what you did was right or contained a shred of class, you're out of luck; I'm sorry.
We didn't ask for it or anything. We registered for the 5 or so things we needed and people found out about our registry through word of mouth.
Wow, that sounds so innocent and almost accidental compared to your original comment:
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Originally Posted by MsRiss7383 View Post
I didn't read the responses, but we just didn't register for much...like 5 things. Then people had no choice but to send us cash or checks.
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Two different things but both should be options for guests.
