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I think that's rather harsh, don't you? We're human above everything.
I think it's harsh for YOU because you're stuck in your own ideals and don't want to accept the cold, hard, HUMAN possibility that your sister no longer gives a damn about your dad, ...... and that now she is also losing patience with you. That's in spite of the fact that she's been letting you know in no uncertain terms that she isn't going to get involved and is not giving in to your demands. What does she have to do to get the message across to you? Hit you over the head with a concrete brick with rebar stuck in it? I think she's already done that metaphorically and you're refusing to acknowledge it.
You aren't being realistic or practical about this. Just because you're a sentimental old softie for your dysfunctional, suicidal dad doesn't mean that your sister is capable of looking at and sympathizing with you and your dad's situation the same way you do. If you want to shoulder some responsibilities for your dad you need to face facts and come up with some other alternatives for dealing with the situation. You will need to do that without expecting your sister to completely uproot her life and discard all her important family and work responsibilities because you say she should.
Here's a tip for you. Pretend that all of your friends and family members (except for your dad) are dead and no longer available to you. You have nobody else to fall back on except yourself and the community resources that are close to you where you live. Now - come up with some other practical plans for how to get more support for your dad that does not include family or friends.
Ask for helpful, practical suggestions instead of complaining about the past and the things that you can't change.
Oh no, we are back with this OP again with; once again; a plea for help with family that will be ignored, deflected, and bickered over ad nauseum. Shocked he's started another thread after that previous epic. Inquiring minds want to know....why do you even ask if you refuse to hear?
Have fun, those of you with more stamina. Meanwhile, I'll be happily chipping ice off the deck.
LOL chipping ice.....will you at least be able to use it in some adult beverages?
I havent read the whole thread, but what if the roles were reversed? What if the OP lived in NY with his family, and his father was in California? What would he do? Really?
You need to resign yourself to the fact that, in this situation, you have no sister. This is not something she wants to get involved with, period. So you do what you feel like you have to do, and stop whining because your sister isnt doing what you think she should do. She is doing exactly what she should do, which is what is best for her.
Nothing! That's what he'd do. Maybe send a check if possible. Demand someone fly cross country and give up their life for a few weeks is just unrealistic...or worse a few days!
Since the OP borrowed $1000 from his sister to pay for a $1000 iPhone for his 16 year old daughter at Christmas, how in the world can he pay for a full-time live-in nurse for his depressed father?
It's funny, when I questioned the scenario presented by the OP pertaining to the $1000 Christmas iPhone, I got reprimanded, as if the veracity of everything on CD can never ever be questioned.
So -- just to clarify: This "highly uncooperative, apathetic sister who refuses to help out" is the same one that helped finance your 16 year old's iPhone Christmas gift? Now you want her to come out to feed some sort of fantasy of yours that you are all one, big, happy family. Is this ever going to end?
Here's the thing. You are not responsible for your father in the sense that you are obligated to keep him from killing himself. He owns his life, and while you can help him in the sense of making sure that he has access to medication and therapy, you can't fix him.
Your sister has issues with your father, and while I understand that you want her to come and "help" (not sure what form that help takes, but ok, let's go with that . . .), you cannot compel her to do so. She owns her life, too, and if she chooses not to engage, that's on her. Or, maybe your sister is fed up with your requests -- money for an iPhone, money to fly out to see a father she doesn't choose to engage with, help with financial support of father she doesn't choose to engage with, etc., etc. Can't say that I blame her for being a little testy. Here's a hint: People get really tired of other people who poor-mouth with "I can't do this, I can't do that, I don't make enough money," with the expectation that the person who presumably has more money should pick up the slack.
You have chosen to engage with your father. Your sister has chosen not to. End of story. Be prepared that your father will probably, at some point, be successful in his efforts to self-harm -- and it will NOT be your fault. You can't make another person "happy".
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
Ken
I was in your shoes at one time with both my parents. At least they didn't try to kill themselves, however, the fact that I had two other syblings that refused to help in anyway helped to ruin my career advancement and my emotional stability. My parents were quite willing to allow me to be the dutiful daughter and let the other sibs (the golden children) slide.
Do what you can. Don't expect your sib to do anything. She won't. She will, if there is any money left be there with her hand out. Get Social Services involved to take the pressure off you and hang it up about your sister. It ain't going to happen.
You are the selected sib to deal with this. All you can do is do what you can. AND get help doing it from other sources.
AS A SIDE NOTE: When your mother begins to become frail she will also need help and do not expect your sib to be there either. You will be the selected sib to deal with her too.
Sorry, Ken, I have been there done that and I will tell you once my mother passed on I cut ties with my sibs. I am a much more happy person for doing so. We may share the same blood but we do not share the bond that sibs (I would hope) have and when I finally cut the cord it was with pure relief.
I pray for your strength to endure this so very unfair and cruel position your family and sister has put you in.
The sister has no financial obligation. Let the father pay for his own needs. He already has care - a full-time live-in nurse - so the sister does not need to do internet searches. She could look for depression treatment (therapy/counseling) for the father - using the internet - if she wishes. But the OP and the nurse could also do internet searches.
A daughter has no financial obligation to pay for a father's depression needs.
The live-in full-time nurse is also quite over-kill - a home service 99 percent of depressed people would not have. There may be a psychiatric facility where he could live for a while and get psychiatric treatment, if his insurance would pay for it. (if he has insurance - didn't catch his age or work-status)
Where did I say she did? But it’s common for children who love their parents to voluntarily help a struggling parent out financially. It’s not a question of obligation, it’s a question of love (assuming the ability is there).
But the OP doesn’t seem to grasp that his sister (for very good reasons) may not feel the same obligation to their father that he does.
TMKSarah, how far did your siblings live from your parents?
And how far did you live from your parents? Or same town/area?
The OP Kenneth.24 has not said who is paying for the full-time live-in nurse. (unless I missed it)
It seems a bit unlikely that the depressed father would have a full-time live-in nurse, but maybe the person is a home care worker or nurse assistant and not actually a PN (practical nurse) or a RN (Registered Nurse). But still, a big expense normally.
Where did I say she did? But it’s common for children who love their parents to voluntarily help a struggling parent out financially. It’s not a question of obligation, it’s a question of love (assuming the ability is there).
But the OP doesn’t seem to grasp that his sister (for very good reasons) may not feel the same obligation to their father that he does.
How do you know the father is struggling financially or unable to pay for his own care? And depressed people normally do not have a full-time live-in nurse!
And all siblings are not in a position to pay for such an extravagant thing! not by a long shot.
And i don't think money should be equated with love.
Perhaps they need to do a 511 (a California law procedure) on him and the officials will take him to a psychiatric facility where he won't be able to try to kill himself. But instead he has an extravagant full-time live-in nurse which other depressed people never have.
This OP has quite the scenarios with the $1000 Christmas iPhone and now this.
Last edited by matisse12; 02-08-2018 at 07:07 PM..
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