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Oh Jim... Will you ever be able to say anything nice about anyone in your family? You blame them for drama, but I think you create a lot of it.
That stepson of yours and his wife haven't done a thing right (in your opinion) since they bought that house, so why are they the ones always hosting the big family get-togethers for you?
Instead of dreading it and complaining about your hosts furnishings What can you do to make any of it better?
essentially, we all tolerate each other for the 5 days each year which we meet.
we have it all. old/young, divorced, biracial, gay/lesbian, whatever.
what we DO DREAD is the travel.
Thanksgiving is the absolute worst.
Beats Christmas and Mother's Day, etc.
by the time we actually sit down to eat,
all are exhausted, the kids are cranky,
and the dogs are working the floors
for whatever is dropped.
we have tried different types of travel:
air, bus, car, etc. nothing from nothing.
and....we will do it all again this year.
except one niece and her husband will not attend.
he is a Federal Air Marshall and will be on duty.
I found out yesterday that we will be attending the Jerry Springer edition Thanksgiving.
Hosts: My stepson and his wife. Some of you know from my other rants, They bought a big house that they can't furnish....two years in still only a big leather sectional and a dining table and a big TV. So the only places to sit are on the sectional, or at the dining table.
Guest list: Wife, and she says I'm going, so ME.
Her ex-husband... I get along with him, no big deal. Mandatory invite.
DIL father...he's bearable and a mandatory invite as well.
DIL mother....they don't talk so I don't think she is invited.
I'm sure wife's daughter and his fiance are invited but she works at a restaurant at a casino, so she may have to work.
If my stepdaughter does come, I can see her fiance's mother and sister being invited...fine.
DIL grandmother. Nice lady. Fine...
Hosts couldn't be happy with that. They invited my wife's sister, her husband, and their boys. I've been with my wife for geeze, I think it's 7 years now, and I've only SEEN her sister 3 times. Never have spoken to her. Wife and her sister have been estranged for I think at least 9 years. Sister actually evicted HER OWN MOTHER from a rental property, during February, and put all of their possessions in a dumpster because they couldn't afford to have them moved. They ended up in Florida and have not seen their grandchildren and great grandchild in over 2 years now. Yes, the sister made her mother homeless. They adopted a girl they got tired of and kicked her out at 18, and she is now pregnant with a mixed race child. Two years ago they were invited to something at the stepson's, the sister, boys, and the girl attended, not the husband. Wife and sister did not talk and wife tried to not be in the same room as her sister. The kids spent the day playing on their phones. Did not interact with anybody.
So now instead of a relaxing stress free day, I get to deal with a stressed out wife all day and thick tension in the air.
And her son says to my wife, "we invited aunt Kelli, is that alright?" He knows it's not but what's she going to say after the fact?
Yeah, their house, their party, they can invite whoever they want to invite. But they should know by now to not invite my wife and her sister to the same event, which means his mom gets invited and aunt Kelli does not.
And with the number of people, I need to leave my dog home....
There comes a time when you get to just say no. And you can even say no after you already said yes.
I no longer have anything to do with my family - or anyone else I don't want to deal with. And to hell with their feelings of what they think I should have to do or put up with.
It's really hard to get to that point while still immersed in a family web of expectations. Really hard. So, I get how it would be really hard to break that.
But, what I learned after many, many years of therapy is that once you are an adult you are not only the only person you can blame for your own behavior, but you are also the only person left who gets to put expectations on you regarding your behavior.
In a dysfunctional family it's really, really hard to buck the norm. What happens when someone tries to change the family dynamic, is they will all band together and make you the bad guy -- even if they all actually hate the event you are saying you don't want to attend anymore, etc. All of your supposed allies will bandy together and shun you out of a weird defense of the old family norms.
There is zero reason involved. So, don't expect anyone in the family web to be rational about it. I had a great therapist help me break the family expectations by telling me this one great thing:
You can't reason with unreasonable people.
So much power in that one idea. You won't be able to get any of them to understand or agree that it makes sense for you to stop going along to get along. But, it's totally okay for you to stop doing so, because the rest of the rational world gets that the family are the crazy ones, no matter how they try to convince you otherwise.
Sorry you're dealing with this. But, the beautiful thing about growing up is that once you're 18 years old, you get to hang out with whomever you choose. It's not easy to tell that to the family who is used to bossing you around, but, they can't force you to do it anymore once you are an adult.
If your wife will be stressed out, and it’s her family, why are you both going? She should say thanks, but we already have plans. Then you can stay home and have a peaceful day.
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Why would anyone voluntarily subject themselves to this level of drama? I'd just decline and say the best excuse that comes to mind.
What you are describing sounds like Thanksgiving from Hell.
No way would I partake to that! I would find some excuse to skip all that drama and stay at home for a peaceful
evening.
Once my family's long standing home was broken up and various kids/siblings scattered, the annual Thanksgiving Dinner tended to be hosted by the same person each year. The rest of us had to get on planes or drive for most of a day to attend. Unfortunately this "host" was the person no one enjoyed being around for more than an hour or two. A drama queen, control freak, and enthusiastic critic. We'd all become her captive audience/target because of the travel. Some became experts at polite evasion. One of many reasons I loved living out in the remote boonies was having bad weather as an excuse to miss it. Sometimes it was the real reason. Other times not. Eventually she figured the pattern out and started confronting people. At that point all you can do is make up your mind to be honest. It is quite refreshing for everyone. Personal epiphanies can happen every day if you let them.
Perfect! A few years ago, my SO and I decided to make our own turkey. We worked in retail so we don't get Black Friday off, and dealing with travel and family is not relaxing. We enjoyed it so much that we always "have plans" now.
I also don't enjoy going to one particular family members house due to who they invite. They have the right to invite anyone they want but I also have the right not to have to deal with it IMO Unfortunately it's deemed impolite for me to ask the guest list, so I just play it safe and say thanks but no thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by john3232
But again let me emphasize its important not to respond out of anger. Which is why I like text messaging or email. I can carefully craft my response.
There have been times I've waited 2 days to respond, depending on how the invite was worded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JimG2
You don't get it.... wife is P!SSED that her son invited her sister. For her the day is ruined two weeks before it occurs. If you didn't see it, this goes back over 9 or 10 years before I even met her. Wife has no desire to make nice, she doesn't want her there. Just creates unnecessary tension for everybody there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Then don't go! Oma can see the grandbaby any time.
Yes, just say no! Something came up. I have to work a double. I'm not feeling well. Whatever. Nothing is worth the tension you are describing. It's not like you live out of state and won't be able to see them again.
My family (and their very nice friend) will not be coming this year due to one person's illness. They are all appreciative of our food and presentation, and we made it clear years ago that this was not a time for arguments but pleasant talk. It's been wonderful.
essentially, we all tolerate each other for the 5 days each year which we meet.
we have it all. old/young, divorced, biracial, gay/lesbian, whatever.
what we DO DREAD is the travel.
Thanksgiving is the absolute worst.
Beats Christmas and Mother's Day, etc.
by the time we actually sit down to eat,
all are exhausted, the kids are cranky,
and the dogs are working the floors
for whatever is dropped.
we have tried different types of travel:
air, bus, car, etc. nothing from nothing.
and....we will do it all again this year.
except one niece and her husband will not attend.
he is a Federal Air Marshall and will be on duty.
Thanksgiving is the heaviest travel time of year, flight-wise.
So stay home...that just sounds like disaster waiting to happen.
But be honest with why you’re staying home.. don’t make up some lame excuse. Tell them it’s because they invited people you don’t get along with, they don’t have furniture and they invited a mix raced baby.
All of which is none of your business anyway, so staying home is the best idea.
Bingo - and why would the OP bring the dog anyway?
I'm not dreading it at all because I'm not subjecting myself or my husband to the drama. We're going to go out to eat with his brother and wife, who are not dramatic. No one dramatic is invited.
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