Anybody else dreading family Thanksgiving dinner? (adults, house, socialize, mother)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am apprehensive about Thanksgiving. My husband and I have not talked about it. Probably because we're both apprehensive.
In the past, we've invited my mom and stepdad, my brother (he's single) and my stepson and the 2 grandkids that still live at home.
Over the summer, we've had some drama involving the grandson, and then we found out that stepson has moved in a woman who is not his wife.
I don't want this woman at our house for Thanksgiving. As I told my husband, I don't want to pretend to be nice. However...what I want, and what actually happens, who knows? IF they come, I guess I will put my best face on, and try to be decent.
Currently, we haven't made any kind of plans. I guess my hubs and I should talk about it.
There comes a time when you get to just say no. And you can even say no after you already said yes.
I no longer have anything to do with my family - or anyone else I don't want to deal with. And to hell with their feelings of what they think I should have to do or put up with.
It's really hard to get to that point while still immersed in a family web of expectations. Really hard. So, I get how it would be really hard to break that.
But, what I learned after many, many years of therapy is that once you are an adult you are not only the only person you can blame for your own behavior, but you are also the only person left who gets to put expectations on you regarding your behavior.
In a dysfunctional family it's really, really hard to buck the norm. What happens when someone tries to change the family dynamic, is they will all band together and make you the bad guy -- even if they all actually hate the event you are saying you don't want to attend anymore, etc. All of your supposed allies will bandy together and shun you out of a weird defense of the old family norms.
There is zero reason involved. So, don't expect anyone in the family web to be rational about it. I had a great therapist help me break the family expectations by telling me this one great thing:
You can't reason with unreasonable people.
So much power in that one idea. You won't be able to get any of them to understand or agree that it makes sense for you to stop going along to get along. But, it's totally okay for you to stop doing so, because the rest of the rational world gets that the family are the crazy ones, no matter how they try to convince you otherwise.
Sorry you're dealing with this. But, the beautiful thing about growing up is that once you're 18 years old, you get to hang out with whomever you choose. It's not easy to tell that to the family who is used to bossing you around, but, they can't force you to do it anymore once you are an adult.
Good luck. It's hard, but really freeing.
Before retiring I rarely attended family gatherings because of work. But when I did our mother was alive and acted as a buffer.
The dynamics are as follows: brother's wife at the top, their kids, brother, mother before she died and pulling up the rear my sister.
Not sure where I fit in but probably slightly ahead of my sister who has been treated with disrespect for years by my brother's wife. Brother's wife respects me somewhat because I have been fairly successful in terms of money.
So, how did this come about?
**My mother, sister and I were careful never to criticize the brother's wife. We were afraid my brother would get upset and cut us out of his life. That he'd pull the silent treatment like he did years earlier before he got married.
So, we (my family) treated his wife like she was the queen and his kids like they could do no wrong. Our mother just wanted everyone to get along but she's no longer with us and I no longer feel a need to get together.
However, I know a number of families where the dynamics are very bad. I don't want that. I don't want to say the wrong thing out of anger. I do want to attend weddings and see my siblings from time to time.
Oh lordy, why do you feel pressured to go? I spent exactly two Christmases with my husbands family in over 30 years. I'm not going and that's that. I'd rather stay home alone. My husband decided that I was right and stayed home with me.
Life is too short to spend with dysfunctional people, family or not. I will not be attending my MIL's funeral either. I've already told my husband that. I'll go visit her in the nursing home, but I will not be involved with his family ever for any reason. I divorced myself from them decades ago.
You do not have to put yourself through that aggravation Jim. Stay home and go hunting. Life is too short to waste a minute on anything that takes away your happiness.
Am I dreading Thanksgiving? Heck no. I've filled my table with friends, all people I love and care about. It will be so fun.
This year will be three less at the family table. Pretty sure our gathering will be lighthearted and a time of gratitude.
Kind of hard to see drama when most gather to share in good food and blessings.
Bingo - and why would the OP bring the dog anyway?
Everyone in my family loves dogs, so we used to sometimes (with prior permission) bring our dog, as she served as a sort of social buffer. I could also excuse myself to take her outside if I wanted to get away from everyone for a while. It wasn't necessary, but it was nice to have her around as a potential distraction.
Of course, at parties, I'm the one who usually ends up spending as much time with the dog as the people
I am apprehensive about Thanksgiving. My husband and I have not talked about it. Probably because we're both apprehensive.
In the past, we've invited my mom and stepdad, my brother (he's single) and my stepson and the 2 grandkids that still live at home.
Over the summer, we've had some drama involving the grandson, and then we found out that stepson has moved in a woman who is not his wife.
I don't want this woman at our house for Thanksgiving. As I told my husband, I don't want to pretend to be nice. However...what I want, and what actually happens, who knows? IF they come, I guess I will put my best face on, and try to be decent.
Currently, we haven't made any kind of plans. I guess my hubs and I should talk about it.
Sassybluesy. Oh my, so step-son may be attending Thanksgiving dinner with his mistress while his children are present? What about his wife, will she be there also?
Maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy, but to me you don't attend a family dinner with your mistress/lover (if you are still married).
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-11-2019 at 12:53 PM..
I love Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. My family is fun. We always have it at my brother and SIL's house. Anywhere between 25-40 people show up. Family, friends, and whoever else gets sucked into our collective orbit. We start at 1 pm, start eating, drink a lot of wine, and wind up smoking cigars and putting frozen brussel sprouts into slingshots and shooting them into the river 100 feet away. Then we go inside, hang out more, play pool, watch a game, and trickle home sometime around 10. Sometimes a poker game breaks out.
My wife's family is not so fun. They watch TV nonstop, complain about the government, and critique anyone who isn't like them. Tried to introduce the cigar and brussells sprouts thing, but no dice. I'm sure they're still talking about me.
We'll actually miss it with my family this year, because we'll be in NYC for the Macy's Parade. Fly up Tuesday, hang out Wednesday, Parade on Thursday, fly home Saturday.
The only thing I'll miss this year? The dressing. I make it every year. Not that white bread/oyster crap, which is an abomination before the Lord. But the good stuff. Cornbread/Sausage dressing. Ambrosia. The angels weep at its transcendent beauty. Here you go. Happy Thanksgiving.
OP, make this and it will make even the most tedious company better. It's a mood improver par excellance:
2 pkgs cornbread mix (Make sure you use NO sugar)
1lb. sausage
4C chopped celery
3C chopped onion
3/4C chopped parsley
1-1/2 t rubbed savory
1-1/2 t dried sage leaves
1-1/2 t dried thyme leaves
1T salt
1/2t pepper
1 can chicken broth (undiluted)
3 eggs, slightly beaten
1/2C butter or margarine
1. Cook cornbread as directed (except sugar. No sugar. Don't even think of putting sugar in it)
2. In a large skilled, cook sausage until done but not too brown
3. Remove sausage with slotted spoon, then cook vegetables in the drippings
4. Crumbled cooled cornbread in huge bowl
5. Add all other ingredients and mix thoroughly
6. Stuff turkey or put in casserole dish to bake for an hour.
That’s the recipe but I use the herb bread cubes. Enjoy. Make the dressing after you get home from NYC.
Oh Jim... Will you ever be able to say anything nice about anyone in your family? You blame them for drama, but I think you create a lot of it.
That stepson of yours and his wife haven't done a thing right (in your opinion) since they bought that house, so why are they the ones always hosting the big family get-togethers for you?
Instead of dreading it and complaining about your hosts furnishings What can you do to make any of it better?
The OP's comments about his stepson made a lot more sense to me once I found out what he (Jim) does for a living.
A smart young man would ask for his stepfather's help. This one doesn't.
Jim's wife has a starring role in the drama, did you miss that? She's the one all bent out of shape because Son invited her sister.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
