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No matter who they are, you don't have to invite them to your home or to parties where they will be jerks. DNA doesn't give anyone the right to impose themselves on you. It's up to you to learn how to say no to them.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
It's pretty simple. If you do not overindulge, then there is simply nothing wrong with social drinking.
More to the point, one does not visit someone's house and then disapprove of how their hosts live their lives--particularly if those hosts have been polite and accommodating. If your account is accurate, then your guest is rude beyond belief.
Personally, if word gets back to you about this guest's ongoing gossip and remarks, I'd make a point of discussing it with him/her. I'd point out that it's your house and your rules, that he/she had the option of not going, and if he/she has concerns about your enjoying a couple of glasses of wine, you'd kindly appreciate having been told that to your face rather than behind your back. Otherwise, that person is abusing your hospitality.
If that ends your relationship, then so be it. Because this isn't exactly the kind of person I'd want to be friends with over the long haul.
This...
We drink at parties but never get plastered. And we have numerous guests who don't drink alcohol. It's no big deal. They are always offered soft drinks, in festive glasses.
I don't enjoy being around drunks myself but the situation in the OP sounds...different.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
If this is in fact an in-law or family member, you now know the drill. They will not/cannot act rationally around alcohol. So, don't invite them to events where alcohol is served. Or tell them that alcohol will be served and if they cannot tolerate that without acting like a complete jackass, they would likely be better not coming. Let them make the choice, but make it clear that you expect them to behave like a decent human being and not a temperamental toddler.
We've had our share of people who come to our house and attempt to shame us for not living "up" to their standards. I no longer worry about being a perfect hostess. I tell them straight out, "If you don't like it, leave." That goes for family members too. GET OUT!
I don’t drink any more and haven’t for about 20 years. If there’s some activity where I know there’s going to be excessive drinking, or drinking is the primary reason it’s even happening*, I don’t go. If I simply must go due to some familial obligation I’ll go for a while but won’t stay long. BUT....I don’t express any opinion about it. My absence is opinion enough.
*an example would be some variation of the “Mommy needs wine†party.
My parents (father is dead so only Mom now) never drank a drop and disapprove of anyone who does drink any amount. I know this. They never said anything directly to the drinkers, but for sure they would cast cold stares at the drinkers and would make comments to me and anyone else who knew their views. Eventually everyone stopped inviting them to any gathering where there would be drinkers. Granted, some of the people they encountered were slobbering drunk, making fools of themselves and vomiting in the bushes. I can't control the drinkers any more than I can control my parents' reactions.
So OP, this might have to be your solution. I know you warned your guests, but some people just can't keep their opinions to themselves. My mom still makes snarky comments any time someone has a single beer. "Can't these people just get through Thanksgiving dinner without getting drunk?" even though they are not "drunk." It was part of her religious upbringing - all alcohol is always bad. Sorry - you just can't win this one.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
I'm a light drinker so I rarely, if ever, have more than a slight buzz.
I've been to some gatherings where people have drank more than originally intended/expected from the outset, and yes, at times, I've been annoyed by their behavior because they aren't as "present" or they're slurring while speaking or they're being extra silly or obnoxious. However, while I might withdraw a little, I don't get outwardly angry nor would I renege on an offer to be the DD without ensuring they have a safe way home.
Even if you were to say to them "It was a birthday party at a winery, of course there was going to be drinking. You made the choice to come. You put yourself in that situation." If they can't or refuse to recognize they had a choice, then you pointing it out is not going to change anything. I just don't think it's worth addressing at this point.
I have a chicken or egg question for you. Did you accept the party invitation before or after you knew you would have a guest?
Going forward, you now know to be firm with this person when their visits coincide with social events such as "We have a social engagement on that day and it's not a good day for you to visit. How about x date instead?" or if they're scheduled to visit, you don't commit to attending a social engagement during their visit.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
My husband and I quit drinking years ago. We never were wine drinkers. The thought of going to some wine tasting event or party for the afternoon sounds boring to me because it's not our thing and we would rather do a million other things. And if it the gathering included mostly strangers, it sounds even worse, LOL. I would've said no.
We recently were at a family event where there was a lot of drinking and celebrating over the weekend. People are different when they are drinking, and not always in a good way. Those of us who stayed sober could see it, but we're not going to gossip about it.
We had a recent experience where we had a house guest who is a very disapproving teetotaler. By a stroke of bad timing we had already accepted an invite to a milestone family birthday party at a winery when the guest scheduled the visit. We gave the guest the option to stay home but the guest insisted on coming both to our home and the party. The guest
volunteered to be the DD but then refused to actually drive at the end of the event so we had an awkward period of waiting to be done enough to drive home.
Drinking around this person makes them very angry as we found out. We have had fallout from this visit in the fom of gossip they started and passive aggressive comments. Neither of us get out much as we have a lot going on but we both are wine drinkers socially-- not heavy drinkers at all. I have had friends and family in recovery who have not been interested in drinking but have never met someone who was made so angry because others were doing so. Especially when they had the option not to witness this behavior.
So wondering how to approach this. As far as I know this person was treated quite well at the party. I introduced them to family and all seemed pleasant. This is someone I'll have to see again at some point so it's best to at least keep things civil.
Keep an extra bible around tell them to go sit in the corner and read.
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