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I rarely drink, though I’m not a teetotaler. I would not go to an event centered around drinking, but if I knowingly did so, any resentment would be MY fault. No way would I offer to be DD, because years of riding public transit daily provided too many examples of being stuck inside an enclosed conveyance with a gross-drunk person. I would have stayed at home in the case you described.
No nondrinker wants to be the one nondrinker when a large group of drinkers indulges. Because someone inevitably will insinuate that the nondrinker “had a problem and that’s why they can’t drink” or some other snark. I’m always surprised when someone asks why I am not having an alcoholic beverage. There are a LOT of reasons someone might not want one, ranging from medical contraindications to religious reasons. NONE of those reasons is anybody else’s business.
My answer to that question is simply, “I don’t feel like it,” which is the truth. Same thing as sometimes I don’t feel like drinking or eating any other item at that time.
If this relative already knew the drinking tendencies of the other partygoers and disapproves of them, he or she was trying to ruin the party by going anyway and then reneging on a promise. That has little to do with drinking per se. It is all about trying to control other people.
Exactly this.
I drink, but if I didn't, I would never go to an event where alcohol was going to be the center of attention.
My AA friends have told me that there is a difference between a person who stops drinking and one who is truly "in recovery": anger. Recovery is a process of understanding how you got to the place you had to stop drinking. Understanding helps one emotionally to sustain abstinence until there is acceptance of life without alcohol.
Anger = resentment. Seems like you might have been the victim of your friend's resentment.
I think the anger was there because we had not dropped everything to entertain this guest AND were doing something they really disapprove of in equal measures. We were planning to go to this birthday a full three months before this guest decided to visit and we explained that. The guest likes to keep to themselves and we didn't think there would be any interest in attending this shindig. So we were surprised that they wanted to go. Maybe it was triggering. Maybe dad or mom or spouse didn't pay attention to them when drinking or was abusive. I have just never run across this before.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
No, it is not common; though I do know some of certain church's who are openly, though they would think politely, disdainful of drinkers. How to handle? In the future avoid inviting them to any event in which alcohol will be served. If you encounter another case like this where you have something planned already even if their staying as a houseguest won't be affected; tell them that having them stay at that time is not convenient. If for some reason it isn't possible to tell them that; tell them you have something to attend to and don't invite them along. As to what you do regarding what happened; I would forget about it unless they bring it up directly to you. Inform anyone who comments about it to you that what they were told that happened didn't. This behavior is their problem not yours.
Based on the first bolded sentence, it seems like the teetotaler was angry because you and spouse did not drop your plans to accommodate his or her preferences. He or she might be a The Guest Always Takes Priority person. He or she fully intended to punish you after the fact, when the right thing to do would have been to stay home instead of pretending to be nice. But the punishment is meaner (more satisfying to the passive-aggressive) if done when you were already at the party.
Still, the second bolded sentence hints that maybe you were, in fact, DRUNK. Just because you had been offered a DD does not mean it’s OK to get sloppy drunk or worse.
We were assuredly not drunk. Nor were we sloppy. My husband waited an extra long time out of courtesy because he did not want to ride the whole way home with the guest white knuckling that their life was in danger. We also thought it would help to defuse the situation if everyone waited to cool down before getting in the car. Silence is more conducive to driving than arguing.
I think the anger was there because we had not dropped everything to entertain this guest AND were doing something they really disapprove of in equal measures. We were planning to go to this birthday a full three months before this guest decided to visit and we explained that. The guest likes to keep to themselves and we didn't think there would be any interest in attending this shindig. So we were surprised that they wanted to go. Maybe it was triggering. Maybe dad or mom or spouse didn't pay attention to them when drinking or was abusive. I have just never run across this before.
You certainly seem to be related to and know(and I am trying to be polite) a lot of strange people. You posted about you FIL, a friend who wanted you take be responsible for her son and come stay with you who had serious mental issues, etc.
Don't you know if this individual did in fact grow up with alcoholic parents or not? If this person is close enough to stay as a guest in your home, you should know their background.
Also do you and your husband not know how to say no? "Sorry, that weekend isn't good for us, we are attending a friend's 60th birthday out of town"....DONE.
The only person that I knew of who had no tolerance for drunks(and I mean drunken behavior) was someone who grew up with alcoholics as parents. They didn't drink, but didn't mind people who did. However if they saw someone who was clearly drunk a look of disgust would cross their face, they wouldn't act on it or say anything, but it clearly triggered childhood memories.
So why don't you know if that is the case here?
Last edited by seain dublin; 12-11-2019 at 02:13 PM..
There is a very strong pattern here and elsewhere of these exact sorts of situations the OP seems to "fall in to."
This is obviously a duplicate account as you have followed two threads to post snarky comments. If you truly were new you would not know my ID or any history. Moderator cut: deleted
Last edited by june 7th; 12-11-2019 at 05:52 PM..
Reason: Reference to mod action is a violation of the TOS. Please use Report Post system instead.
Causing scenes, last minute pulling from being designated driver - done! No more invitations or uninvited stays.
^^^this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo
We were assuredly not drunk. Nor were we sloppy. My husband waited an extra long time out of courtesy because he did not want to ride the whole way home with the guest white knuckling that their life was in danger. We also thought it would help to defuse the situation if everyone waited to cool down before getting in the car. Silence is more conducive to driving than arguing.
So the DD was more comfortable letting someone who had been drinking drive the car? That doesn't even make sense.
You certainly seem to be related to and know(and I am trying to be polite) a lot of strange people. You posted about you FIL, a friend who wanted you take be responsible for her son and come stay with you who had serious mental issues, etc.
Don't you know if this individual did in fact grow up with alcoholic parents or not? If this is close enough to stay as a guest in your home, you should know their background.
Also do you and your husband not know how to say no? "Sorry, that weekend isn't good for us, we are attending a friend's 60th birthday out of town"....DONE.
The only person that I knew of who had no tolerance for drunks(and I mean drunken behavior) was someone who grew up with alcoholics as parents. They didn't drink, and didn't mind people who did. However if they saw someone who was clearly drunk a look of disgust would cross their face, they wouldn't act on it or say anything, but it clearly triggered childhood memories.
So why don't you know if that is the case here?
Yes unfortunately we do have a lot of dysfunctional people on both sides of the house. Some of us are unlucky in that way.
We had no reason to think that a birthday party at a winery would cause this sort of response. It's not typical certainly.
So the DD was more comfortable letting someone who had been drinking drive the car? That doesn't even make sense.
AND after that the guest told everyone that we put their life in danger by driving drunk. So yeah does not make sense in the least.
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