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I have no clue. They were angry as soon as we got there. We introduced them around and people were eager to meet them and greeted them warmly. We tried to talk to them for most of the party as they were our guest but they just seemed to get more and more upset. When there was a toast they stalked off and started reading their phone. I went after the toast was over and they said they didn't like to "see so many glasses being filled."
If we thought for one minute that they would not be DD we would have stopped drinking earlier. By the time they said they "couldn't drive on winding roads' and refused to take us home we were stunned. We asked what was wrong and the reply was "I hate seeing people drink" and my husband gently reminded this guest there was the option not to come. There was stony silence all the way home.
What culture is this person native to? Were they raised in a faith that prohibits drinking? Also what is their relationship to you?
As someone who was raised with Eastern/Central European Grandparents in the MidWest, tee-totaling is definitively not a cultural thing. Which isn't to say that there weren't non-drinkers in the family, for health reasons, for reasons of previous addiction, for a preference not to drink...but culturally it's totally foreign. When I moved to the south there was a lot more tee-totaling and a different drinking culture. Often tied to some prevalent religious denominations, its different.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
I do drink, but I will say that it can be tiring being around people that are getting blitzed. This (the winery) doesn't sound like something that would qualify. I'm more talking about being the designated driver to a concert for a bunch of 20 somethings or at a big NYE party. I've worked as a bouncer too and can tell you so I've had my share of experience being sober around drunks.
Another friend that doesn't drink at all gets irritated by drunks but he is routinely around social drinking and it doesn't bother him.
That said the whole "I can't drive on winding roads" Schtick is absurd, totally passive aggressive. IF you come to be the DD, then Drive.
What culture is this person native to? Were they raised in a faith that prohibits drinking? Also what is their relationship to you?
As someone who was raised with Eastern/Central European Grandparents in the MidWest, tee-totaling is definitively not a cultural thing. Which isn't to say that there weren't non-drinkers in the family, for health reasons, for reasons of previous addiction, for a preference not to drink...but culturally it's totally foreign. When I moved to the south there was a lot more tee-totaling and a different drinking culture. Often tied to some prevalent religious denominations, its different.
Keep in mind that even if it is not a cultural thing with respect to drinking, some Asian countries are MUCH stricter with respect to driving under the influence. You simply don’t drive AT ALL after you’ve had anything to drink. If you have come from that environment, see tons of people getting refills, and are in an area with a significant drive realizing that many (most) of those people will be driving home afterward, you might feel uncomfortable. You might also not want to be on the road with them. As many have pointed out, there is much more going on with this story that has been let on. For example, when I lived in Japan, you simply didn’t entertain driving after you drank. People might drink a lot, but they took public transport or a cab after they were out drinking. The penalties were too high for drunk driving. In most countries it is not starting at .08%. It starts much much lower.
Funny that they watched everyone drink, then refused to DD and the OP said they had to wait a while to sober up to drive themselves home - so these people (or person, not sure), got in a car with basically drunk drivers (because if you've been drinking all night, you couldn't wait long enough to get all of the alcohol out of your system).
I agree, though we won't likely learn the actual connection.
The entire situation is so ridiculous that I can't imagine the emotional stunting that would be required to tolerate this kind of behavior.
Lies don't call for explanations. Period. Liars get exiled. The end.
My AA friends have told me that there is a difference between a person who stops drinking and one who is truly "in recovery": anger. Recovery is a process of understanding how you got to the place you had to stop drinking. Understanding helps one emotionally to sustain abstinence until there is acceptance of life without alcohol.
Anger = resentment. Seems like you might have been the victim of your friend's resentment.
I have no clue. They were angry as soon as we got there. We introduced them around and people were eager to meet them and greeted them warmly. We tried to talk to them for most of the party as they were our guest but they just seemed to get more and more upset. When there was a toast they stalked off and started reading their phone. I went after the toast was over and they said they didn't like to "see so many glasses being filled."
If we thought for one minute that they would not be DD we would have stopped drinking earlier. By the time they said they "couldn't drive on winding roads' and refused to take us home we were stunned. We asked what was wrong and the reply was "I hate seeing people drink" and my husband gently reminded this guest there was the option not to come. There was stony silence all the way home.
Based on the first bolded sentence, it seems like the teetotaler was angry because you and spouse did not drop your plans to accommodate his or her preferences. He or she might be a The Guest Always Takes Priority person. He or she fully intended to punish you after the fact, when the right thing to do would have been to stay home instead of pretending to be nice. But the punishment is meaner (more satisfying to the passive-aggressive) if done when you were already at the party.
Still, the second bolded sentence hints that maybe you were, in fact, DRUNK. Just because you had been offered a DD does not mean it’s OK to get sloppy drunk or worse.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
I don't drink, at all. I avoid a lot of parties for this reason, it's just not fun for me if people drink too much.
I do know a lot of social drinkers though, who have a couple of drinks and can still keep up good conversations. I have no issues with that. They are basically the same person with or without the drinks.
If I was your houseguest and was going to be mad at you for going to a wine tasting event, I would not have gone. I would have curled up with a book, gone sightseeing or for a walk, and saw you when you came back.
It's almost like they wanted a reason to be angry. It sounds so avoidable.
What *would* make me angry, was if I had invited people over, and one person showed up either already drunk or with enough of their own booze to become completely obnoxious. That would upset me a great deal. But not what you described, unless you told them you'd only be out for a couple of hours and it stretched to 4-5 hours? I could see being upset about that.
Though I don't disagree this is not really about having houseguests. I'm looking to find out more from those who don't drink if this behavior is in any way common (anger around people who are drinking) and ideas for addressing the overall rudeness of this person.
I rarely drink, though I’m not a teetotaler. I would not go to an event centered around drinking, but if I knowingly did so, any resentment would be MY fault. No way would I offer to be DD, because years of riding public transit daily provided too many examples of being stuck inside an enclosed conveyance with a gross-drunk person. I would have stayed at home in the case you described.
No nondrinker wants to be the one nondrinker when a large group of drinkers indulges. Because someone inevitably will insinuate that the nondrinker “had a problem and that’s why they can’t drink” or some other snark. I’m always surprised when someone asks why I am not having an alcoholic beverage. There are a LOT of reasons someone might not want one, ranging from medical contraindications to religious reasons. NONE of those reasons is anybody else’s business.
My answer to that question is simply, “I don’t feel like it,” which is the truth. Same thing as sometimes I don’t feel like drinking or eating any other item at that time.
If this relative already knew the drinking tendencies of the other partygoers and disapproves of them, he or she was trying to ruin the party by going anyway and then reneging on a promise. That has little to do with drinking per se. It is all about trying to control other people.
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