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Sounds to me like she wants you as a replacement for current partner.
It doesn’t sound like that at all. The OP said she befriends anyone who will talk to her. I think her boyfriend is introverted and she is extroverted. There are a lot of couples that are that way and they just strike up friendships with people all over. She needs a better outlet or place to talk to people. My mom and dad are somewhat like that in terms of dynamic, although my mom doesn’t text people all day, everyday. She’s 73 and still works part-time because she needs some socialization outside the house.
So, specifically what do you want to happen between you and your female neighbor?
Just be neighbors and not be her personal friend re her personal issues. She dumps all her personal issues on anyone who will listen. She has a bf. She should talk to him about personal stuff. However, she complains about her bf sometimes. But I think it's overblown. See below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
Sounds to me like she wants you as a replacement for current partner.
I think it's looking that way. She is checking my replies to her sometimes complaints about him. And she's checking my replies to little bombshells like she wants to sell her house and move. She is checking how I reply to that. Instead of saying "I hope you don't move, your my BFF!" Instead I act non-chalant and say "yea your house could sell right away".
This is partly my fault because when she said they are not married I said "well if you ever split it makes it easier". I meant that in a general way not to imply I want her to leave him. I just realized this is probably why she's contacting me more recently. Typically weeks would go by and not hear from her.
What she does is talk about work, hoa, neighbor, friends, problems, etc and then sneaks in a minor complaint about her bf (but makes it sound like she is very upset with him). I never encourage that and act non-chalant like "you guys are tight, that's just a normal bump in a relationship" kind of thing. He's a good guy and pays for more then half their expenses. She knows she has a good guy. I consider her complaints about him out of proportion just to see my reaction. In other words I don't encourage her to leave him, I do the opposite.
I never tell her about my personal love life. If this continues I'm going to tell her there's a woman I really like I know from church. But the thing is if I do that she will have personal info about me I really don't want her to have. But it would start making clear to I don't have interest in her. But giving her that personal info I really don't want to do. So I'm very reluctant to do that. She tells me what seems to be everything about her personal life. But we don't have conversations, I just listen to her talk about herself.
I'm single and live a few houses down from my female neighbor. She is not married but has lived with her male partner at least 10 years or more. They act like a married couple from all appearances. All the neighbors know each other for a long time now. I don't socialize with them we are just friendly neighbors. Neighbors 'talk' about other neighbors but gossipy (personal things).
About 3 years ago I noticed she was taking daily walks and I asked to join her to walk. She was enthusiastic. He was fine with it. He doesn't like to walk. So me and her started walking daily. She tells me all about her work ,life, etc. Really more details I care to know. But I'm a good listener. Anyway I stopped walking with her because I wanted to ride my bike instead of walk. And she did something that I thought was very suggestive. Unbelievable really. She wanted me to help fix a zipper in a pair of her jeans! Of course I didn't offer to do that. I acted nonchalant about it. This is now a forgotten thing. No other suggestive acts since.
She recently asked me to help with her car when it had a mechanical issue. Her partner doesn't mind, he's not as mechanical as I am. She asked me for a ride to the auto shop because her partner is at work. I'm ok with helping her. I help other neighbors all the time too with this/that.
But now she has recently started texting me more frequently. About work issues and neighbor issues. This morning a text at 8am to wish late happy birthday. And has been calling me too which she never did before. She recently called me on her lunch time. Again about an issue in the hoa, neighbor, or her work. She often says "don't tell anyone I told you".
But she's never contacted me this much before. When we have talked on the phone she brings up some really personal issues/struggles and I reply to them with I think helpful suggestions/assurance. As a friend would. That's all I can do. But why not talk to her partner? We'll I'm sure she does.
What I want to know is what do you all think this? And about my approach I'm taking, which is not asking her to stop. It doesn't bother me. I think it will slow down.
If the" too much info when she calls" thing is the biggest problem, I'd start letting the calls go to voicemail and only reply by text. She's not going to leave a hugely long gossipy, personal VM message (I hope) and it's a lot harder to gossip by text because the typing takes much longer. Complaining about BF is a red flag in my opinion. I think she's baiting the hook and hoping you will get into these sorts of really personal talks. That's usually when the trouble begins.
Maybe try letting calls go to VM, and just replying via one text per day. Then one every other day, etc. Slow fade...
What she does is talk about work, hoa, neighbor, friends, problems, etc and then sneaks in a minor complaint about her bf (but makes it sound like she is very upset with him). I never encourage that and act non-chalant like "you guys are tight, that's just a normal bump in a relationship" kind of thing. He's a good guy and pays for more then half their expenses. She knows she has a good guy. I consider her complaints about him out of proportion just to see my reaction. In other words I don't encourage her to leave him, I do the opposite.
By responding to her at all, about anything, you are encouraging her to continue contacting you. The HOA stuff is just a Trojan horse.
There is no middle ground here. She has shown you, and you KNOW this, that she will go back and forth over the boundary time and again. The comment about "that will make it easier" was the one bit of flirty bait you figured out. No telling how many other comments she's read into.
It would behoove you to stop pretending to be naive about this and do the right thing.
I personally think it's too much texting from a person in a committed relationship to a single person. To me, the way you're handling it is just keeping the gate open for her to continue and escalate.
Time for the slow fade: don't reply to every single text, and wait for longer periods of time to reply.
Maybe, the OP is her “plan B” for a relationship?
Could be that her relationship with her partner is not 100% satisfying ( seems that her partner’s interests could be somewhere - if he can not bring himself to walk with her or listen to her..)
A lot of women “keep” a male friend just in case or even several to pursue further if they become single all of a sudden
It is up to OP to decide if this role is suitable to him.
The OP comes across as uninterested ?
Good advice to slow down the communication by not responding promptly, ignoring her texts and calls completely or declining meet-ups.
“ sorry, can’t give you a ride... busy... why not use Uber ?”, etc
No response is a response
By responding to her at all, about anything, you are encouraging her to continue contacting you. The HOA stuff is just a Trojan horse.
There is no middle ground here. She has shown you, and you KNOW this, that she will go back and forth over the boundary time and again. The comment about "that will make it easier" was the one bit of flirty bait you figured out. No telling how many other comments she's read into.
It would behoove you to stop pretending to be naive about this and do the right thing.
I must agree with Birdie, you are making comments about her going on and on, when you shouldn't be at all!
Hmm. Hard to say if she has a crush or just really really wants attention. Either way, if you aren't interested and don't want to hurt her feelings or sour the relationship then you'll have to play the game in your own way.
How? Play the part of the disinterested hunk that she'll pine over. Give her small bits of attention here and there, but maintain an air of ambivalence and never commit to any obligations or promises of future help, appointments or conversations. Be polite, and if she gets insistent then gently remind her that you have your own affairs to look after and that you're living your life on your own terms.
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