19 yo told me that she is sexually active (married, twin, adults)
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So all of you parents will be jumping up and down with joy if your 19 year old daughter is regularly having sex with her boyfriend?
I will be jumping up and down if is she is a happy well adjusted near adult. Regardless of how sex does or does not fit into that equation. If part of that happiness involves a relationship I am going to be much more concerned that it is a kind, fulfilling one than if it is a sexual one.
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This fills you with pride? This was your dream for her when she was 4 years old?
Yeah, right.
Well, actually I take pride in the fact that my 17 yo has a large amount of self respect, high expectations for herself and any potential boyfriend and has goals and dreams for herself. The fact she is a virgin still has nothing to do with my pride in her as a person. If she had sex tomorrow it would change literally NOTHING about my sense of pride for her. Because she would have sex because it was what SHE wanted, and would take the correct precautions.
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I know that if/when the time comes and she is not living under my roof, it will not be my business. I know that, people; you don't need to treat me like I'm stupid.
My hope is, that my daughter will be more occupied with her college studies, with her athletics or hobbies which I want her persue with a passion, with her friends--both male and female, and with her faith.
Sex, both on one's own and with a partner, are naturally part of the human experience. I would hope she is a fulfilled human even without being married.
So all of you parents will be jumping up and down with joy if your 19 year old daughter is regularly having sex with her boyfriend?
This fills you with pride? This was your dream for her when she was 4 years old?
Yeah, right.
I know that if/when the time comes and she is not living under my roof, it will not be my business. I know that, people; you don't need to treat me like I'm stupid.
My hope is, that my daughter will be more occupied with her college studies, with her athletics or hobbies which I want her persue with a passion, with her friends--both male and female, and with her faith.
Well, exactly how would you have had us respond to the OP's post? Apparently, we have not shown enough angst for you.
Should we have wrung our hands and said what a terrible thing it is? How she is ruining her life and the world might as well just stop right now?
That ship has sailed; there is no taking it back and negativity about the situation will not improve it. SO - we focus on the positive. Yes, it is good that this girl has an open and honest relationship with her mother. Yes, she could certainly be doing a LOT worse. Maybe our kids will be doing worse. We don't know.
I think we supported the OP, as is appropriate in this situation.
Would you have us condemn her?
I learned long ago to 'never say never'. We don't know yet how OUR kids will turn out so I try not to criticize children of others.
How about showing a little compassion for a Mother who was upset?
So all of you parents will be jumping up and down with joy if your 19 year old daughter is regularly having sex with her boyfriend?
This fills you with pride? This was your dream for her when she was 4 years old?
Yeah, right.
I know that if/when the time comes and she is not living under my roof, it will not be my business. I know that, people; you don't need to treat me like I'm stupid.
My hope is, that my daughter will be more occupied with her college studies, with her athletics or hobbies which I want her persue with a passion, with her friends--both male and female, and with her faith.
I hope that all my children grow up to enjoy sex. To me, sex is and enjoyable part of adult life. I do not think that my adult child's sex life is my business (my son is nearly 18) whether he lives in my house or not. Just because a child lives with you that does not mean you have complete control over her life. If she is an adult she gets to make decisions about her own sexual activity (or lack of).
Edited to add: Sex doesn't take so much time that a person cannot be successful in school and be sexually active. After all my husband is a very successful attorney and he has sex.
I learned long ago to 'never say never'. We don't know yet how OUR kids will turn out so I try not to criticize children of others.
This is very true. We do not have a crystal ball on how are kids will turn out.
I was raised in a strict religious household with strong approach to abstinence. My mother wanted her daughters to remain virgins until we were married, marry within our religion and not work. For her sons she wanted them to remain virgins until they were married, marry within our religion, go to University and not join the military or turn out gay.
Myself-- I am a writer, college graduate, partial ownership of business overseas, world traveler, married agnostic and waited to have children by choice but medical reasons took over.
My sister-- Got pregnant at 15, first child 16, second child 17. Currently works in management, attends University and has five children. Married a Catholic.
My brother-- Never went to University, off to Iraq on his first tour of duty as a Marine, completed two tours of duty in Iraq, married at 23 to a Catholic/Scientologist (still trying to work that one out) consider converting to Islam decided against it, and finished his last tour Japan.
My youngest brother-- GAY and believes Lady Gaga is GOD. Funny he still lives at home with her.
No matter how much my mother preached from her parenting pulpit, raised us what some might consider 'right' we went against the grain.
Now here is the opposite end of the spectrum. A very dear friend of mine had parents who were alcoholics and never sent her to school, emotionally abused her and told her that when she got older to prepare herself for teen pregnancy and a life on welfare. This woman is in her early thirties, went to law school, now a lawyer and waited till marriage to have sex for the first time (although given she is now divorced and on her second marriage).
We do not know what the future holds no matter how much we as parents want was is best for our children. As much as I may shake the magic 8 ball asking if my child will turn out great the answer will always come back Better not tell you now, Reply hazy ask again later or Cannot predict now.
Personally, I do not think the OP should be surprised about, or even dismayed about, her daughter.
But what surprises me, reading this thread,....
Does no one believe in waiting for marriage any more?
Are traditional values completely out the window?
Are women waiting so long to get married now that no one thinks twice about it?
To act like, well, everyone at 19 is doing it so it's no big deal....
IDK, it makes me worry for my kids as they get older.
Here is my original post.
Would you please read the first sentence?
My responses are actually not directed at the OP, but to all those who wrote things like "all 19 years are having sex now" and "it's 2012, not 1808" and "what did you expect" and "what's the big deal".
To me, the cavalier attidude towards this young woman....where one person even asked "what's her phone number"....is atrocious.
But you all have seen fit to jump down my throat. How horrible that I dare equate sex outside of marriage with morality. Like I am the first person in the last two millenia to do so.
How horrible that I would hope that my daughter can, at the tender age of 19, experience love in a relationship WITHOUT it having to include sex.
You all have made judgments against me for wanting the best from my daughter and from other young women out there.
And by "traditional values" I mean the idea--however not a part of reality in any social era--that sex should be reserved for marriage.
At the same time, I do think it is unlikely now, with women waiting so long to get married, for women to wait to have sex until they are married. I don't think it is natural for someone to wait until they are 30 or 35 to have sex. But again, IME, there is a difference between a 19 year old and a 24 year old.
So this begs the question - since marriage between children whose parents give consent on their behalf is -legal-...
if a 15 year old girl and a 14 year old boy get married, it's okay for them to have sex?
According to your notion of "traditional values" that would be the case. Unless you care to backpedal.
Personally I think that's kind of weird. You're basically saying that marriage is nothing more than a license to have sex.
As for me, I wouldn't have married my husband if we hadn't had sex first. I don't buy a car without taking it for a test spin; I'll be damned if I commit the rest of my life to one person, without knowing whether or not I can tolerate him in the sack first.
Edited to add: Sex doesn't take so much time that a person cannot be successful in school and be sexually active. After all my husband is a very successful attorney and he has sex.
I am not sure what those two things say about your husband.
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