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I thank God every day that in spite of his absent minded ways, he is generally a very neat and clean person. It's one thing to live with someone who is absentminded but thoughtful. It's altogether different to live with someone who is sloppy and doesn't care that it bugs other people in the home.
Yup.
If she said it bugged her, it would change.
That's why the kitchen drawers and cabinets are closed.
Even if I have to turn around, walk back into the room, and close them.
Yup.
If she said it bugged her, it would change.
That's why the kitchen drawers and cabinets are closed.
Even if I have to turn around, walk back into the room, and close them.
Well, that's fair enough!
My husband has an area - the top of his dresser - that generally looks like a bomb went off on it. The top of my vanity looks like a a piece of glass - because that's what it is. I don't like the look of his dresser top but I don't ever say anything about it for several reasons:
1. It's his one area of clutter.
2. It's not in a living area of the home, but in our bedroom, which is private.
3. He doesn't say anything about my stack of magazines on the ottoman in the living room and the tower of books on my side of the bed.
I once slammed my finger in a drawer while closing it hard and it really hurt. Since then I am really careful and sometimes if in a hurry I just leave it open.
Sorry but I get upset when my husband does that because I have hit my head a few times on open cabinets and drawers while putting things away and get tired of closing them but here lately I have been ignoring it because there is no sense in forcing someone to keep things closed when they just keep repeating the steps over and over again...
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I'm not a neatnik but it drives me nuts not to be able to find things, so I learned to take an extra second or two to keep things where I can find them.
That's a whole 'nother issue. In my house everything that's supposed to be in the drawer is in the drawer, but sometimes I leave the drawer open.
My husband used to forget to put on his seat belt all the time, claimed he couldn't remember to do it....once there were steep fines for not wearing a seat belt he was able to remember.
(Yes, I know wearing a seat belt is a safety issue, not the same as leaving a drawer open.)
My husband used to forget to put on his seat belt all the time, claimed he couldn't remember to do it....once there were steep fines for not wearing a seat belt he was able to remember.
(Yes, I know wearing a seat belt is a safety issue, not the same as leaving a drawer open.)
Sigh.
Along the lines of "where's my phone, where's my wallet, where are my sunglasses, oops, my wife who just ate dinner with me at the restaurant wants to get in the car with me now, what's that beeping noise, oh yeah it's the door to the fridge that I left open," my husband also waits till the safety ding dong thing goes off TWICE before he puts on his seat belt. Then he's doing it as he's driving, which is awkward and not nearly as safe. He's also sighing with great aggrievance as if someone just asked him to scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush and then go plow the back forty with a mule in August. Struggle struggle sigh sigh. I am sitting there thinking, "Wouldn't it be a lot easier just to put your belt on the minute you get in the car?"
I tried reminding him (as if the vehicle isn't going to remind him in a few seconds anyway) before we left the driveway but that caused greater anxiety and some resentment. So I just stopped doing it. That was years ago.
I wonder if he thinks about how I will feel if he has to pay a hefty fine for not wearing the belt, or WORSE YET, I wonder if he realizes how I would feel visiting him in the hospital and spoonfeeding him if he gets in a wreck without that belt on, or because he was struggling to buckle it while he was driving down the road (oh, the irony!).
I honestly don't think this has crossed his mind at all. See, I realize that he doesn't do these things to irritate me. I know he's not even THINKING about it irritating me, and would be surprised, and defensive, if he realized that I was gritting my teeth. He'd think "How is this hurting her? What's her problem?"
I agree. To me carelessness about normal day-to-day things is so frustrating, when for me, they are just part of my routine, and I'm largely unconscious of them. That's why I keep saying, no, this is not "OCD" on my part. I don't obsess about these things or do them compulsively because of anxiety. I just do them because I've learned in life that things are better if I just do them, and they just became habit.
I get out of the car, I lock the car door without even thinking about it.
I get into the car, I pull on my seatbelt, again, without even thinking about it.
I get in the house, I toss my keys in the key basket by the from door without even thinking about it.
I take out the scissors to use them and I put them back where they go, without giving it a thought.
I open a cabinet door to get something, I shut the door without even thinking about it.
I always put my purse/wallet in the same place, without thinking about it.
If you build things into your daily habit, they become second-nature and take no effort. I don't ever even consciously think about putting on my seat belt, but I always put it on.
But the people who lose things all the time see these suggestions as some major inconvenience or major burden on their concentration. But even if they are "absentminded" or "distractible" they can certainly still build things into a routine that they will eventually engage in without thinking. They tie their shoes without thinking about it, right? and in reality, that's a pretty complicated task. If they can commit that to "muscle memory" they can certainly commit putting their keys in a certain place or shutting a drawer to muscle memory. Just like getting up from the toilet and hitting the flush. You don't have to think about it; your hand just does it.
I never have to wonder where my keys are, because I throw them right in the basket as soon as I walk in the door. I don't even remember putting them there, but I'd bet you $1000 at any minute that they are where they're supposed to be. Again, this is not compulsive at all, because it's just worked into my casual routine. Shutting a drawer or a door just comes naturally. If it doesn't come naturally to you, it will after you get in the habit.
I agree. To me carelessness about normal day-to-day things is so frustrating, when for me, they are just part of my routine, and I'm largely unconscious of them. That's why I keep saying, no, this is not "OCD" on my part. I don't obsess about these things or do them compulsively because of anxiety. I just do them because I've learned in life that things are better if I just do them, and they just became habit.
I get out of the car, I lock the car door without even thinking about it.
I get into the car, I pull on my seatbelt, again, without even thinking about it.
I get in the house, I toss my keys in the key basket by the from door without even thinking about it.
I take out the scissors to use them and I put them back where they go, without giving it a thought.
I open a cabinet door to get something, I shut the door without even thinking about it.
I always put my purse/wallet in the same place, without thinking about it.
If you build things into your daily habit, they become second-nature and take no effort. I don't ever even consciously think about putting on my seat belt, but I always put it on.
But the people who lose things all the time see these suggestions as some major inconvenience or major burden on their concentration. But even if they are "absentminded" or "distractible" they can certainly still build things into a routine that they will eventually engage in without thinking. They tie their shoes without thinking about it, right? and in reality, that's a pretty complicated task. If they can commit that to "muscle memory" they can certainly commit putting their keys in a certain place or shutting a drawer to muscle memory. Just like getting up from the toilet and hitting the flush. You don't have to think about it; your hand just does it.
I never have to wonder where my keys are, because I throw them right in the basket as soon as I walk in the door. I don't even remember putting them there, but I'd bet you $1000 at any minute that they are where they're supposed to be. Again, this is not compulsive at all, because it's just worked into my casual routine. Shutting a drawer or a door just comes naturally. If it doesn't come naturally to you, it will after you get in the habit.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!
I don't have weird, compulsive habits that cause me anxiety if I don't do them. Like you, all I'm talking about is basic, common sense organizational habits - nothing extreme. I always know where my purse is, because I just automatically put it in the same place every day. My keys, wallet, and sunglasses are in there. I mean, they just ARE in there, I don't think about putting them in there, or putting them back - I just do it.
My underwear and socks and bras all go back in the same place every time. Same with my shoes. I take my clothes off, and I hang them up or put them in the clothes hamper, or in the bag for the cleaners. I finish getting dressed in the morning, and I put my few personal items away. It's just not difficult, or anxiety producing, or compulsive - it's simply the easiest thing to do - maybe not at that exact moment, but I've learned over time (since early childhood, I guess) that it's easier in the long run to keep things pretty organized and neat.
Same with seat belts, door locks, garage door openings and closings, etc. Augh! I just thought of something else that differs between my husband and me. When I am pulling up to the house, I hit the garage door opener, just as I'm turning into the driveway. That way I don't have to WAIT for the door to open when I get there - it's already open. He doesn't do it till he is parked in front of the garage. And he often starts getting out of the car (remember, it's 100 degrees or more out there in the summer around here) and says, "What are you doing?" and when I say, "Oh, I'm just waiting till you open the garage," he looks surprised and then sighs and says, "OF COURSE I was going to do that." I'm sure he was EVENTUALLY going to do it - maybe after he walked up to the door and then realized he needed to go back to the car and open the garage door, I don't know, but dang it!*
When I leave, I immediately close the garage door as I'm pulling out of the driveway. That way I see it close, and I know it's closed. He doesn't do that automatically (though sometimes he does it and sometimes he doesn't), so he often says, "Oh wow, did I close the garage door? I can't remember!" Then we have to drive back around again to be sure it's closed (and sometimes it's not, so that's not OCD on his part - his concern is based in reality).
When we get out of the car, I lock the doors - by habit. I don't even think about it. He doesn't do it. He walks...and walks...and walks...and finally I say, "Are you going to lock the truck?" (We often leave our phones in the truck, or packages.) To which he replies with a big sigh, "Of COURSE I am." And then he digs his keys out of his pocket and locks the doors. But if I DON'T ask that, he often looks over at me with alarm after we are already in a store or a restaurant and says, "Oh man - did I lock the truck?" To which I reply, "I have no idea." Then he sighs heavily once again, giving me a pained look, and then goes back out to the parking lot and locks the truck. Occasionally he will come back triumphantly and say, "OF COURSE IT WAS LOCKED." So when he doesn't say anything, I know that no...it wasn't locked.
Honestly, there has to be a screw loose. I have no idea how he remains so on point, professional, and safe on the job, but he does. He's EXCELLENT on the job. Which makes me think like you're thinking - why doesn't this translate into "off the job?"
I really don't get it. He's not a jerk. He's not a goober. He's not an idiot. He's a smart, good, business savvy, funny, kind man. Do I need to be worried about how he's going to be when he's an OLD smart, good, savvy, funny, kind man?????
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 09-12-2016 at 12:29 PM..
My ex was/is similar. He is always forgetting things, like his wallet (I can't even imagine a situation in which I would or could forget my wallet), and he loses things.
He will be driving to work and wonder "did I turn off the iron?" and then start worrying about starting a fire. When he lived with me, he'd call and ask me to check. Now that he lives alone, he goes home to check. I've never had that worry, because when I'm done ironing, I just automatically unplug the iron and put the board away. It's not that I'm compulsively neat; I just do it automatically, like flushing the toilet.
Similarly, there has been a lot of conflict on the web page for our neighborhood watch program around locking car doors. We have a number of thefts-from-autos every single week, and it's usually cars that were left unlocked. I say that people need to lock their damned cars, because now our town is known among thieves a place where people leave cars unlocked with expensive stuff inside. They are leaving out "bait" for more thieves to come to our town. But when I and others say "just lock your cars, people" we get all kinds of blow-back about us "expecting people to be perfect" or "we can't all be compulsive." I don't get it. I lock my car without giving it a thought; it's just habit. It does not require me to be compulsive or "perfect."
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That's a whole 'nother issue. In my house everything that's supposed to be in the drawer is in the drawer, but sometimes I leave the drawer open.
