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What about the enabling aspect of these situations?
And by asking that, I don't mean to imply any sort of accusation or judgment.
But if one spouse is constantly bailing out the other for forgetfulness or carelessness, doesn't that reinforce the behavior?
It seems to me that negative consequences are important part of learning to exercise at least a minor degree of mindfulness.
For example, I didn't automatically know to keep my keys and wallet in a findable place. Rather, it was the pain and frustration of not being able to find them a few times that incentivized me to develop better habits.
If you know someone is always willing to drop whatever they're doing and race around to bring you the things you forgot and otherwise bail you out, what motive is there to change?
Hmmm...could be an OCD thing or a compulsion, or it might have some psychological reason related to some obscure fear or other (if it's constant/consistent).
It drives me crazy, personally.
That and never finishing the last of something. I feel like these must be related...my kids do this ALL the time...put back the jug of milk with half a teaspoon of milk in it, open a new cereal box because there are only a few ounces left of the old cereal, put a gigantic dinner plate with one uneaten bite of chicken on it into the fridge, etc. What the...? Throw that shyte away, LOL.
My mother would do that, leave a tiny amount of something. I think she did it so she could not be accused of 'drinking all the milk' or 'eating all the cheese'. It was ridiculous she never left enough to make any difference to anyone else.
Drove my mother nuts, and it drives me nuts - to have a drawer or cupboard left open. And my place is usually pretty messy. But, closing drawers/cupboards is such an easy thing to do to help keep a space appear clean and neat.
What about the enabling aspect of these situations?
And by asking that, I don't mean to imply any sort of accusation or judgment.
But if one spouse is constantly bailing out the other for forgetfulness or carelessness, doesn't that reinforce the behavior?
It seems to me that negative consequences are important part of learning to exercise at least a minor degree of mindfulness.
For example, I didn't automatically know to keep my keys and wallet in a findable place. Rather, it was the pain and frustration of not being able to find them a few times that incentivized me to develop better habits.
If you know someone is always willing to drop whatever they're doing and race around to bring you the things you forgot and otherwise bail you out, what motive is there to change?
I get what you're saying - but in my situation, I have allowed him to suffer the negative consequences of his actions - over and over again. In the case of him losing things - it makes no difference AT ALL. Meanwhile, it's not just him that is suffering the consequences - it's me too.
And like I have been saying, he is distraught by this as well. I don't think it's intentional at all on his part, even subconsciously.
I do wonder, though, if since he grew up with a mother who was exactly this way, only worse -if he just subconsciously feels like this is the way life is and so he expects these frustrations.
See at this point, if I move any of his stuff, it REALLY freaks him out. He's already frazzled and hypersensitive about it. So it would have to be with his full cooperation and I'd need to approach it, not from the perspective of how annoying it is to ME, but from the perspective of trying to help both of us manage our time better. I could tell him, "Let's both put all our stuff in this tray," and then I might just lay a pen or something in there, because honestly, all my stuff is always in my purse.
I get what you're saying - but in my situation, I have allowed him to suffer the negative consequences of his actions - over and over again. In the case of him losing things - it makes no difference AT ALL. Meanwhile, it's not just him that is suffering the consequences - it's me too.
And like I have been saying, he is distraught by this as well. I don't think it's intentional at all on his part, even subconsciously.
I do wonder, though, if since he grew up with a mother who was exactly this way, only worse -if he just subconsciously feels like this is the way life is and so he expects these frustrations.
Yet he is highly efficient, organized and mindful at work, and doesn't allow himself the same level of forgetfulness he gives himself at home.
Yet he is highly efficient, organized and mindful at work, and doesn't allow himself the same level of forgetfulness he gives himself at home.
What would account for the difference?
I have no idea.
Here are some outward differences though and I think they're very pertinent:
His job is outdoors, in all sorts of harsh weather. It's very stressful. It's very dangerous. The equipment is very expensive and the daily operations can cost into the millions (he's an oil and gas consultant). He works 12 hour shifts for two weeks straight - this has been his schedule for many years, and his schedule has always involved very long and very stressful hours. He has to be on point, or very bad things happen. And he also has to be very proactive and also very REACTIVE - he has to be able to make split second decisions, and he has to be very perceptive of about a hundred different moving parts and people, all day, every day, for two weeks straight.
Then he comes home. And home is calm. Home is peaceful. Home is clean. No one is yelling and cussing. Nothing is in danger of blowing up. Home is his refuge. It's where he regroups, rests, plays, gets creative, does things like sleep in late, walk the dogs, veg out in front of the TV with football or bingeing on some series, we go to movies, we work in the yard at our own pace, stopping and starting whenever we want, we go out on the lake, etc. This goes on for two weeks. No pressure. And I think in some ways his brain comes to a screeching halt. I mean, we're having plenty of interesting conversation, but he's not being forced to live in a state of heightened alert.
So I think that explains a lot. In fact, I think that's why he gravitated to this sort of work to begin with - because it sort of forces him to get his game on, and I think internally he needs that sort of structure. But I think it also really stresses him so when he gets home, he lets go of it.
What about the enabling aspect of these situations?
And by asking that, I don't mean to imply any sort of accusation or judgment.
But if one spouse is constantly bailing out the other for forgetfulness or carelessness, doesn't that reinforce the behavior?
It seems to me that negative consequences are important part of learning to exercise at least a minor degree of mindfulness.
For example, I didn't automatically know to keep my keys and wallet in a findable place. Rather, it was the pain and frustration of not being able to find them a few times that incentivized me to develop better habits.
If you know someone is always willing to drop whatever they're doing and race around to bring you the things you forgot and otherwise bail you out, what motive is there to change?
At least with my ex, he never seemed to learn from experience. At first I would not intervene, because I firmly believed bailing him out would be enabling. But like Kathryn said, it started to affect me. We would leave for a long car trip and have to turn around after 30 minutes and go back and get his wallet or his Rx sunglasses. He would leave a dresser drawer open and a cat would pee on his clothes, and he would not clean it sufficiently, and I'd have to smell it until I finally cleaned it. So I started with the "key basket" and coaching him to put his keys there. He managed to remember to do that about 70% of the time, which was an improvement, but there was still that 30% of the time when he'd be scrambling for his keys in pockets of pants in the dirty clothes hamper or in the washing machine, etc.
I would go around and close doors and drawers because to me it looked sloppy, and no amount of my reminding him yielded the desired outcome. Eventually we broke up, not for that reason, but I'm sure it was one contributing factor in that fishbone diagram of causality.
When I helped him set up his new place (felt like a mother launching her young adult son) I hung hooks by his front door to hang his keys on, and tried to set up various organizational tools for him. Don't even get me started on mail--when we lived together I had to take over managing the mail, enabling or not, or I'd be living knee-deep in piles of important bills mixed in with tons of junk mail. I set him up with what I thought was a very simple mail sorting system, right next to his kitchen trash--one basket that said "Pay or attend to ASAP," One basket that said "attend to this month" and then anything that was junk would just go in the trashcan. Nope. Every flat surface in his downstairs is covered by piles of mail, even though he pays most bills online. Mixed in with junk mail that should have been thrown out months ago, he has important letters from the HOA, papers from the military that he was waiting for and thought never came, birthday cards with money in them from last year's birthday...
Some people need enabling to keep up bad habits, but some keep them up despite facing the negative consequences of losing the enabler.
When I was living with an absent minded person, I tried hard to be supportive and never criticized. This was in the pre-cellphone era so that wasn't an issue. I did have several extra sets of keys made and tried the basket-on-the-counter strategy. I always picked up her watch, jewelry, wallet, etc. when I saw them laying around and put them in the basket. I might say "Your watch (earrings, wallet, keys) are in the basket" if she was looking for them, although generally I'd make no comment.
As others have noted, however, nothing really seemed to help very much. She often raged at me for helping and said I was being manipulative. Maybe I was, but I was trying hard not to be. Over time I realized that a lot of this behavior was also going on at work. Most people, like me, would just put up with it. Some would grumble and complain but she remained very successful.
After a number of years, I came to understand that this was sapping a lot of my energy and emotions. It wasn't the only reason we split up but I will have to say it was a factor. Parting made me sad, because I loved her and thought she loved me, yet after a while I realized I was in a much better place. We stayed fairly close, and from time to time I still helped out with her losing keys, getting locked out of the house or car, losing important papers or equipment, etc. But it was on my terms and I didn't let her behavior dominate my life.
That's certainly not the approach for everybody but it was necessary for me. I eventually found someone who wasn't as problematical. My ex has since been through a lot of people and they've often had similar issues. Many of us love her and appreciate her abilities, she's just mighty hard to live with for an extended time.
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