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That is similar to what my mom said to me about her friends daughter who was raped at 14 by her uncle. My mom said the girl seduced the rapist. What happened is what happened and it can't be changed. What really irritated me is that they made the 14 year old into the aggressor with the word seduced. Had my mom said that this girl was raped by her uncle instead of seduced the uncle I wouldn't have been so enraged at the situation. My mother didn't say anything the day I freaked out about that comment. A few months later she felt the need to explain the situation as her friend had grown up with sexual abuse and didn't understand that the girl wasn't responsible. She also started saying the 14 year old was raped. So it shows people can change their minds about this.
It’s unfortunately not uncommon for mothers to blame their young daughters (children) when they are raped by mom’s boyfriend. I haven’t seen it as much with other abusers but they often seem to turn a blind eye, in denial, when it’s their boyfriend.
Working in the law with assault victims, I saw a mom claim her 9 year old was secuding her boyfriend and that’s why he had sex with her. Utterly disgusting. IIRC that child was removed from the home.
It’s unfortunately not uncommon for mothers to blame their young daughters (children) when they are raped by mom’s boyfriend. I haven’t seen it as much with other abusers but they often seem to turn a blind eye, in denial, when it’s their boyfriend.
Working in the law with assault victims, I saw a mom claim her 9 year old was secuding her boyfriend and that’s why he had sex with her. Utterly disgusting. IIRC that child was removed from the home.
I think it happens with a lot of types of child abuse. Both my parents were abusive and ignored the others abuse of us. I don't think either of them wanted to admit the situation they had found themselves in so they just saw us kids as "bad" and deserving of the abuse.
That is similar to what my mom said to me about her friends daughter who was raped at 14 by her uncle. My mom said the girl seduced the rapist. What happened is what happened and it can't be changed. What really irritated me is that they made the 14 year old into the aggressor with the word seduced. Had my mom said that this girl was raped by her uncle instead of seduced the uncle I wouldn't have been so enraged at the situation. My mother didn't say anything the day I freaked out about that comment. A few months later she felt the need to explain the situation as her friend had grown up with sexual abuse and didn't understand that the girl wasn't responsible. She also started saying the 14 year old was raped. So it shows people can change their minds about this.
That's what the Jackson Katz quote that went viral this week was talking about with the language we use about sexual assault:
Quote:
Here’s how it begins:
“We talk about how many women were raped last year, not how many men raped women. We talk about how many girls in a school district were harassed last year, not about how many boys harassed girls. We talk about how many teenage girls in the state of Vermont got pregnant last year, rather than how many boys and men impregnated teenage girls.”
Katz then proceeds to point out how, simply by using passive language, we absolve men of all responsibility: “Even the term ‘violence against women’ is problematic…It’s a bad thing that happens to women, but when you look at that term, ‘violence against women,’ nobody is doing it to them. It just happens to them…Men aren’t even a part of it.”
People need to raise their sons to act responsibly.
People need to get back to the golden rule. We all need to treat one another better. Until that happens women have to protect themselves from these predators.
When my daughters turned 16 they were largely free to do as they liked under a few conditions one of which was never to go out partying alone. They were to be watching out for one another at all times, it was made their RESPONSIBILITY to do this.
Like it or not ladies I seriously doubt humanity getting back to the golden rule is going to happen soon. Not only do we have to raise our son's better, to teach self control and consideration and simply listening to what a female says we need to teach daughters grace, self respect and all of the same things men need to know also.
This would be much easier if this were a society that valued human dignity over wealth and power and family as opposed to single Parenthood but once again I don't see that changing soon either.
About all we can hope for is to muddle through I guess and hope for the best.
If you ask any women in her 60's, 50's, and even 40's, chances are there's at least one time she was raped if sexually active and not in a monogamous relationship. About 10 years ago, on a girls night we had some fairly frank discussions. Out of the six of us, each one of experienced what is considered rape by today's standards. I don't know how else to describe it, but even some of our moms told us to suck it up and carry on. Sure, they made sure we had medical care, even therapy if needed, but it was not reported to the police. Even at the doctor's, it was never called rape or there would be an investigation. It's what was done, shhhh. Don't talk about it.
See our mom's knew we would be put on trial, some of the moms had gone down that road or knew someone that did.....and the victim was cruelly torn apart in court, very publicly. So women of my generation learned unless it was a random attack or by knife-point, you carried on. You worked with your rapists or got a new job. If you were lucky, a coworker would give you the heads up on any on the job predators. This mentality is exactly what's going on with the Harvy Weinstein drama, how we got to almost 60 assaults. It just was not reported. Shhhhh! Don't talk about it.
But I am happy to see the attitudes and awareness shifting. Soon, any kind of unwanted sexual advances may actually be rebuffed without fear of advancing to rape. I am going to even go out on a limb here and give kudos to our youngest (millenials) generation and say they get it and are ahead of their elders in this respect. (I think this group gets a bad rap). Millenials are far more in tune in this area, as well as, far more tolerant than prior generations when it comes to diversity and inclusion.
I think we are finally on the right track, we are talking about it.
People need to get back to the golden rule. We all need to treat one another better. Until that happens women have to protect themselves from these predators.
When my daughters turned 16 they were largely free to do as they liked under a few conditions one of which was never to go out partying alone. They were to be watching out for one another at all times, it was made their RESPONSIBILITY to do this.
Like it or not ladies I seriously doubt humanity getting back to the golden rule is going to happen soon. Not only do we have to raise our son's better, to teach self control and consideration and simply listening to what a female says we need to teach daughters grace, self respect and all of the same things men need to know also.
This would be much easier if this were a society that valued human dignity over wealth and power and family as opposed to single Parenthood but once again I don't see that changing soon either.
About all we can hope for is to muddle through I guess and hope for the best.
Well, yeah. I warned my daughter of the dangers out there for a young woman as well. I also tell her to avoid being on the roads after 11pm when drunks are more likely to be on the road and stay in on New Years Eve and the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. I told her to trust her instincts and not be worried about social politeness if she feels threatened in the least. I told her if someone ever comes at her in her lane to take the ditch before swerving into the other lane.
These rapists are predators. They wait for someone to let their guard down or manipulate the situation like a women who has had too much to drink. Should have would have could have doesn't apply. If my daughter was killed by a drunk driver on New Years or hit head on in her lane I wouldn't be thinking it was in any way her fault for being on the road or not having fast enough reaction to take the ditch.
As for the problems of men. How in the hell do you expect boys to become men if their role models don't exist in their lives?
My father taught me about responsibility and obligation. He did everything he could for his wife and children and we never lacked for much. When it came to my mom she was free to be a mom and worked far more outside the home when she wanted to than when she had to. My dad never hit my mother, he never called her a bad word. They would argue but they never hurt one another.
My dad set the standard in my life. His example is why my daughters are where they are now. I didn't ever quit on them.
Better men are not going to be produced in this society, where scoring with the hot chick and the latest fashion at Macy's is all that matters.
These rapists are predators. They wait for someone to let their guard down or manipulate the situation like a women who has had too much to drink. Should have would have could have doesn't apply. If my daughter was killed by a drunk driver on New Years or hit head on in her lane I wouldn't be thinking it was in any way her fault for being on the road or not having fast enough reaction to take the ditch.
These predators are the ones winning it seems. Girls need father's too. There's a lot of hardworking good guys who are in their 30s that seem to have just given up. My daughter is a single mom. She can get some arsehole no problem. A guy who's real father material is harder to come by. My other was luckier. 12 years together soon to be 2 kids and a mortgage burning party in 8 years. Barring a catastrophy.
These predators are the ones winning it seems. Girls need father's too. There's a lot of hardworking good guys who are in their 30s that seem to have just given up. My daughter is a single mom. She can get some arsehole no problem. A guy who's real father material is harder to come by. My other was luckier. 12 years together soon to be 2 kids and a mortgage burning party in 8 years. Barring a catastrophy.
It looks that way to me too. That certainly has been the case in the past. I think it is a small percentage of men that do these type of things. I think there is hope and we are moving in the right direction even though there is push back on this.
This is a really great video if you are interested.
Wow, really? The correct answers were no, no, and no... you are NEVER "guilty" for being robbed, raped, or beaten, no matter what the situation. That doesn't mean you should be reckless, but we should also be able to do simple things like watch TV at someone's house, or get money from the ATM, without worrying that we'll be blamed for a violent act. With my late work hours, almost everything non-work-related I do (especially in fall/winter) takes place in the dark - from walking my dog to getting money from the machine. Does that mean I deserve no sympathy if I'm the victim of a crime? Bullhockey.
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