Abusive relationship --- need any advice I can get.
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[SIZE=2]I'm 25 and a mother of 2, ages 7 and 5. I was with their father for 6 years and finally broke away from that relationship. I moved in with my father just long enough to get on my feet. There, I met Bob (not real name). I had been dating Bob for about a month when my father said to me and him that he was ready for me to go out on my own and thought I should move in with Bob. Bob had already been trying to get me to move in with him, but seeings we'd only been together for a month, I wasn't ready for that. A week later, my dad said I had to go.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I had my mom, which is who raised me, willing to take me in, but I didn't want to have to fall back on her. She raised me and I felt I didn't have the right to do that to her. So, I moved in with Bob. Our relationship had already been through a little bit when I guy sent me an email of himself in his undies and Bob saw it (which was about 3 weeks into us knowing each other). Since then, it's been hell. At first it was mostly emotional abuse and rage, like throwing my stuff off the balcony or with-holding sex as punishment. About 7 months into our relationship is when it first got physically violent. He was fussing about the picture that had been sent to me in the beginning of our relationship and then he flipped. He pinned me on the bed and slapped me. I hit him back but was in shock and jumped up and ran to the bathroom. He followed me, stood behind me, and peed on my back (bear in mind this is very embarrassing for me to admit). I did nothing, just wanted it to end. I immediately got in the shower. When I stepped out, he was standing there with a bottle of Listerine and threw it over my face and body (and yes, it burns just like it does in your mouth). I almost left but was assured that that would never happen again, but still, that it was my fault. At first he would only slap, but it quickly moved on to punching, and not girl punching, I mean full force in the face and head.I have always hit him back but it doesn't make it any better. During this time, my mother passed away, so I no longer even have her as option to fall back on. I have no other family to count on and no where to go. I have two sisters but they can barely pay their on bills, they surely can't help or be expected to help me and two kids. My grandparents are elderly and I won't ask them to spend their retirement on helping me, it's not right. I don't have friends, Bob has completely isolated me from any interaction with the outside world. He doesn't live any type of social life and ensures that I don't also. If he leaves the house, he sets the alarm (and won't give me the code). He has the only vehicle, won't allow me to work, and has even dropped me from the car insurance so now I can't drive. I'm considering a women's shelter but I'm scared out my mind. I don't know what to expect. I am a college student and I don't want to quit school and be stuck waitressing for the rest of my life. I want my children to be successful and I just don't think I can make that happen if I'm not their role model for that.[/SIZE]
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Oh my goodness. I feel for you so strongly. I have been through this although my situation was not quite as extreme as yours but it could have got that way if I allowed it to continue.I don't know what the laws exactly are there so I can't tell you what to do but what I will do is relate my story and maybe you can take something from it. I hope so anyway because, as I'm sure your aware, it takes a lot to talk about such experiences openly.
When I first met my ex we were absolutely in love with each other. It seemed the most perfect thing in the world and I could not believe my luck that I had met my soul mate. We literally felt like we could walk around in each others soul that we were that much a part of each other. I don't know if anyone can relate to that feeling but it was amazing. He proposed to me on our first anniversary of knowing each other but in the course of that one year it had gotten to the stage where I accepted out of fear, not love.
It's hard to pinpoint the time when the balance tipped from lots of good and a little bad to lots of bad and a little bit good. It happens slowly, insidiously, you start out thinking that the good person is who they really are and the world causes him to be bad sometimes. It takes a long time to realise that the good guy is the act and that the bad guy is who he really was all along. I had tried to break it off but he tried to kill himself, overdosing on pills, and when his father called me from the hospital I felt so incredibly guilty, like it was all my fault. I actually was pregnant at this time so my judgement was really flawed and I was scared for me and our baby. I went back to him (stupidly) but we made an agreement that we would move out to the country, that he would clean his act up and we would settle down and have our baby. Live a peaceful life away from all of the distractions of the city.
We did that but things went from bad to worse. I found out that he was getting into hard drugs with some of the locals and he started getting angry with me saying that a had caged him like an animal. That I had trapped him, I told him that he was free to go, to leave me alone, but that just made him angrier. He would not allow any friends in the house and he monitored all of my phone calls. He was convinced that I had a secret lover, I was 8 months pregnant at the time! During this time I had run into an old school friend of mine while I was shopping. She is a force of nature, very strong and takes crap from no one. I don't know what I would have done without her. She started coming around to see me and she saw what was going on and how crazy he was and she started urging me to get out of there, but I was terrified and heavily pregnant. She saw right through him and he hated her for it. He tried so hard to get rid of her, being downright nasty to her but she would not desert me.
I had my baby (that's a whole other story that I won't get into now) and things got even worse because until that stage I had only copped slaps across the face. To try and bring some sanity to the situation I suggested we get some counselling. Surprisingly, he agreed, I think he really could see how cruel he was being but couldn't help himself. We went to the counsellor but he would just raise his voice and speak over the top of me whenever I said anything. The counsellor suggested we speak to her separately. She spoke to him first and then spoke to me. When it was my turn she told me that she knew it was her job to bring us together but in this case she thought I should go, and as quickly as possible. She was afraid for me, that it would turn to a murder suicide situation. To this day I don't know what he said to her, but she was insistent that I get the hell out of there, that my life was in danger.
He had taken the baby home with him while I was with the psychologist and when I got there, he had locked me out. I had to think fast to save my baby. I thought that what he really wanted was control and power in the situation so I finally managed to get him to open the door and I started to sweet talk him. He wasn't going to let me in but finally I managed to convince him that I would do whatever he wanted. He dragged me inside by the arm and sat me in a chair and went on a tirade about the psychologist and how she was useless and I wasn't to see her anymore. He said that if I left he would make sure that I never saw my baby again and that I was never to talk to my friend again because all of this was her fault for turning me against him. I let him yell at me for hours and said nothing. Finally he went to bed and I went into action. I called my friend and asked her what to do. She said call the police first and get them to supervise you leaving then call your family and get somewhere to go. She said she would come over and help when I had it all organised. I called the police, they were only too happy to help, and then I called my family who lived about 2 hours drive away. They did not know about what was going on and when I told them they were incredibly upset that I had not called them earlier.
All of the males in my family jumped into two cars straight away to come and get me. I called the police back and told them what time my family would be there and then called my friend and she came over to help. This was all done in whispers so that he would not wake up and I had to race around and pack what I could for me and my baby, without disturbing him. When it all went down he did not know what hit him. He had the baby in the bedroom with him and so I had to wait to get her last for fear of waking him up but when everyone turned up I went in there and took her out of the cot. He woke up and asked what I was doing. I said, I'm leaving you and I'm taking the baby. He said there is no way we would make it out of the house, I suggested he tell that to the policeman just outside the door and picked up my baby and left. When he came out of the bedroom he was stunned by the amount of people in the living room just waiting for him to put a toe out of line. There was nothing he could do but that didn't stop him yelling at me and anyone who would listen and the police did eventually have to restrain him. But my baby and I made it out alive.
It took a long time to get on my feet again. I had to live in little one room apartments with my daughter. I had to work in bars, I even painted peoples portraits for a living. But eventually it all started coming together and the fact that it was so difficult only served to make me a much stronger person. My daughter is now 13 and we live comfortably, we have a very happy, relaxed household and she is growing into an exceptional young lady. I started to do some soul searching, trying to work out what it was in me that led me down that path to him and I read a lot of psychology books. I am at university studying to be a psychologist myself now and he is nothing to us but a distant memory. We still don't let him know where we are for our own safety but that is the only black mark in our lives. I know that it seems impossible from where you are standing right now, but anything is better than living in fear and as a prisoner. You will find you have support when you start to look for it, there are plenty of women out there who have gone through the same thing and are more than willing to help anyone to get out of it and if you tell your family the whole story I am willing to bet they will be there to help. If I were there I would help you myself. Go to the women's shelter if that is your only option and find your way from there, there is always a path to take, you just have to find your inner strength and take it.
I never wanted to tell this story on this forum but if it helps you in any way to find your way out of this situation then it's worth it.
Oh my goodness. I feel for you so strongly. I have been through this although my situation was not quite as extreme as yours but it could have got that way if I allowed it to continue.I don't know what the laws exactly are there so I can't tell you what to do but what I will do is relate my story and maybe you can take something from it. I hope so anyway because, as I'm sure your aware, it takes a lot to talk about such experiences openly.
When I first met my ex we were absolutely in love with each other. It seemed the most perfect thing in the world and I could not believe my luck that I had met my soul mate. We literally felt like we could walk around in each others soul that we were that much a part of each other. I don't know if anyone can relate to that feeling but it was amazing. He proposed to me on our first anniversary of knowing each other but in the course of that one year it had gotten to the stage where I accepted out of fear, not love.
It's hard to pinpoint the time when the balance tipped from lots of good and a little bad to lots of bad and a little bit good. It happens slowly, insidiously, you start out thinking that the good person is who they really are and the world causes him to be bad sometimes. It takes a long time to realise that the good guy is the act and that the bad guy is who he really was all along. I had tried to break it off but he tried to kill himself, overdosing on pills, and when his father called me from the hospital I felt so incredibly guilty, like it was all my fault. I actually was pregnant at this time so my judgement was really flawed and I was scared for me and our baby. I went back to him (stupidly) but we made an agreement that we would move out to the country, that he would clean his act up and we would settle down and have our baby. Live a peaceful life away from all of the distractions of the city.
We did that but things went from bad to worse. I found out that he was getting into hard drugs with some of the locals and he started getting angry with me saying that a had caged him like an animal. That I had trapped him, I told him that he was free to go, to leave me alone, but that just made him angrier. He would not allow any friends in the house and he monitored all of my phone calls. He was convinced that I had a secret lover, I was 8 months pregnant at the time! During this time I had run into an old school friend of mine while I was shopping. She is a force of nature, very strong and takes crap from no one. I don't know what I would have done without her. She started coming around to see me and she saw what was going on and how crazy he was and she started urging me to get out of there, but I was terrified and heavily pregnant. She saw right through him and he hated her for it. He tried so hard to get rid of her, being downright nasty to her but she would not desert me.
I had my baby (that's a whole other story that I won't get into now) and things got even worse because until that stage I had only copped slaps across the face. To try and bring some sanity to the situation I suggested we get some counselling. Surprisingly, he agreed, I think he really could see how cruel he was being but couldn't help himself. We went to the counsellor but he would just raise his voice and speak over the top of me whenever I said anything. The counsellor suggested we speak to her separately. She spoke to him first and then spoke to me. When it was my turn she told me that she knew it was her job to bring us together but in this case she thought I should go, and as quickly as possible. She was afraid for me, that it would turn to a murder suicide situation. To this day I don't know what he said to her, but she was insistent that I get the hell out of there, that my life was in danger.
He had taken the baby home with him while I was with the psychologist and when I got there, he had locked me out. I had to think fast to save my baby. I thought that what he really wanted was control and power in the situation so I finally managed to get him to open the door and I started to sweet talk him. He wasn't going to let me in but finally I managed to convince him that I would do whatever he wanted. He dragged me inside by the arm and sat me in a chair and went on a tirade about the psychologist and how she was useless and I wasn't to see her anymore. He said that if I left he would make sure that I never saw my baby again and that I was never to talk to my friend again because all of this was her fault for turning me against him. I let him yell at me for hours and said nothing. Finally he went to bed and I went into action. I called my friend and asked her what to do. She said call the police first and get them to supervise you leaving then call your family and get somewhere to go. She said she would come over and help when I had it all organised. I called the police, they were only too happy to help, and then I called my family who lived about 2 hours drive away. They did not know about what was going on and when I told them they were incredibly upset that I had not called them earlier.
All of the males in my family jumped into two cars straight away to come and get me. I called the police back and told them what time my family would be there and then called my friend and she came over to help. This was all done in whispers so that he would not wake up and I had to race around and pack what I could for me and my baby, without disturbing him. When it all went down he did not know what hit him. He had the baby in the bedroom with him and so I had to wait to get her last for fear of waking him up but when everyone turned up I went in there and took her out of the cot. He woke up and asked what I was doing. I said, I'm leaving you and I'm taking the baby. He said there is no way we would make it out of the house, I suggested he tell that to the policeman just outside the door and picked up my baby and left. When he came out of the bedroom he was stunned by the amount of people in the living room just waiting for him to put a toe out of line. There was nothing he could do but that didn't stop him yelling at me and anyone who would listen and the police did eventually have to restrain him. But my baby and I made it out alive.
It took a long time to get on my feet again. I had to live in little one room apartments with my daughter. I had to work in bars, I even painted peoples portraits for a living. But eventually it all started coming together and the fact that it was so difficult only served to make me a much stronger person. My daughter is now 13 and we live comfortably, we have a very happy, relaxed household and she is growing into an exceptional young lady. I started to do some soul searching, trying to work out what it was in me that led me down that path to him and I read a lot of psychology books. I am at university studying to be a psychologist myself now and he is nothing to us but a distant memory. We still don't let him know where we are for our own safety but that is the only black mark in our lives. I know that it seems impossible from where you are standing right now, but anything is better than living in fear and as a prisoner. You will find you have support when you start to look for it, there are plenty of women out there who have gone through the same thing and are more than willing to help anyone to get out of it and if you tell your family the whole story I am willing to bet they will be there to help. If I were there I would help you myself. Go to the women's shelter if that is your only option and find your way from there, there is always a path to take, you just have to find your inner strength and take it.
I never wanted to tell this story on this forum but if it helps you in any way to find your way out of this situation then it's worth it.
my sister is in a similiar position as the OP minus the kids. Lady Ice, i hope you dont mind my copying your story and sending it to her. it seems like you were able to do it by having so much support. do you think so? my sister has screwed over so many people she has little support and living cross country, im pretty much helpless (i've been trying to convince her for years).
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