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I'm 56, not at all good looking and never have been: and I'm not getting any prettier as time goes by. Women have never taken to me- not THAT way, anyway, though I have been academically successful and achieved reasonably. So by now, after 40 or so years experience of life as a non-looker, I have a few nuggets to add to this thread (nuggets of what, you may judge for yourself dear Readers, if I ever have any).
One of the aspects which has affected responses in this thread is the word 'UGLY' itself. The word itself is ugly, with not just negative connotations but highly emotive aspects. Someone using the term ugly about him or her self, comes across as someone desperately desiring some form of redemption, a cry for help to make them feel good about themselves.
Unfortunately, this draws out a lot of negative as well as positive responses: attempts to salve or soothe spiritually, or howls that the self-proclaimed 'ugly' is mired in self-pity and should snap out: well meant, and spiteful comments.
The well-meant comments try to persuade the 'ugly' to act confident, work out, feel good about the aspects of the self that can be admired: the ill-intended are presumably intended to provide the perpetrator with a 'high' by feeling good about those he perceives as worse off than himself.
The less said about the ill-intended the better, but the plain unsympathetic and even the well intended all tend to miss the mark a little, and plainly leave the OP unsatisfied, because they generally fail to acknowledge that there is a problem at all. The problem either doesn't really exist, or can be 'solved; or is a failing of the OP.
So. perhaps it is better to use less emotive language: say, 'physically unattractive' which unfortunately takes much longer to write- and also to acknowledge clearly that if someone (male or female) lacks the pulchritude asset sufficiently then that really does constitute a problem.
It really does. Looks matter. Not in a life-or-death manner of course, but in a 'this will have ongoing implications for your lifestyle' kind of way. Science has shown that not only are good (and by definition, bad) looks objectively viewed by people across cultures in a similar manner, but the psychological response engendered is frequently reflexively based upon this.
Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but beholders tend to react in predictable ways to 'stimuli'. So, individuals may umm and arr about other individuals, especially in between the extremes, but most beholders broadly agree on what constitutes beauty and what constitutes 'ugliness'.
The good news is that most people fall well within the extremes: so they may suffer some rejections over there, but are successful over here. You don't win 'em all, but you find a mutual partner in the end. There is a tendency (but plenty of exceptions) to end up with someone of similar attractiveness level. Your spouse may not be a beauty queen or Mr Universe, but there are plenty of compensating good points and there is at least a spark of mutual physical attraction.
However, if you are sufficiently at the lower end of the 'physical attractiveness' spectrum, it becomes a different ball game. 'Uglies' are hard wired just the same as the rest of the human race and not a different species. We are drawn to people we find attractive same as anyone else, but the chances of acceptance are lower. Not being a separate species, 'uglies' do not find one another attractive any more than anyone else, so unless getting together purely for companionship, the spark of mutual physical attraction which is an important component in most matches is not there.
The search is all the harder these days, as it is all so easy to look for 'mates' on the internet dating sites: why settle for third-rate when there is always the possibility of second or first around the corner? And it is both sexes that are wired to like looks, not just men- try the internet and see! The internet has made life harder for the 'uglies', not easier.
Of course, unattractive men in particular always have one hope- financial success may enable them to hook a lady. It certainly can. Financial security always has been a factor in finding a mate for a female especially. Or as one poster suggested, look online in places where the ladies are desperate to escape poverty, say the Philippines. It can work, maybe for life. Is it the same as love based on mutual attraction? No. It may appear so, and one may go through life just as if it were a love match so based. But should the finances hit the rocks- well, don't say I didn't warn you! The attraction was part based on ability to provide economic benefit rather than attachment to the individual, though that may develop. If the wealthier partner defaults on the deal, the partner won in this manner may consider breach of contract ends the relationship.
Life isn't fair. It doesn't deal out the cards equally. In looks, intelligence, wealth, health - and no doubt other factors- we have to play the hand we are dealt. If one is particularly low on looks, and also short on wealth, it is very much an uphill game. Science again shows that the better looking one is, the better job, earning potential, employment prospects, friends and assistance, even from (unconsciously) teachers and parents. Looks matter. Of course, playing one's hand means playing to one's strengths, minimising the disadvantages, being adaptable and inventive and trying to overcome the negatives. Life is spiritual also, as well as physical. Life can be rich and have much to offer in so many myriad ways to us 'uglies' as much as anyone else. Probably less sex though.
If the 'ugly' does get into a relationship, one problem then is insecurity- inner fear one can be discarded easily- and lack of emotional maturity, so the relationship is often 'unbalanced'. The 'ugly' may be tempted to set the partner on a pedestal ad the sheer intensity of feeling to try to 'keep' the partner may not be requited.
But realism is also necessary. If one is physically unattractive, dating, sex and marriage may be very hard to find or even impossible, or become so with time. As with life's other realities, one has to accept the situation and fight to make the best of it, though mistakes are naturally made and there may be plenty of regret, sadness or heartache. But who in life doesn't suffer those, one way or another?
This is the best post of this entire forum, I applaud you my friend.
There is no such thing as ugly really. What someone doesn't like another person will. I was watching the show the Drs the other day and they had a woman with a rare disease with tumors all over her body and face. She was married and had a child that was on the show with her she didn't have the disease.
Honestly i could not date someone like that but my point is someone else did. Lets face it the most beautiful people are often just as or more lonely as you. Real beautiful people are treated like meat and their looks are the only thing people focus on. And some real attractive people actually turn people off from asking them out because they are so beautiful. Lastly real attractive people usually can not have a long term relationship because they are always seeking the next hot guy or gal.
I am average looking guy and I rather be average then "hot" any day.
Yeah, being "hot" is overrated. "Hot" people are prey.
An "ugly" man can certainly get a woman, as long as he has SOME income and is not an abuser or drug user. The "problem" is that he'll have to settle for a less than attractive woman, and very few men are willing to concede that. Every man, regardless of appearance makes a beeline for the 8's, 9's, and 10's with all other women sitting on the sidelines.
So, figure out what YOU'RE willing to concede in a woman and stop complaining that no one will concede to YOU regarding your looks.
An "ugly" man can certainly get a woman, as long as he has SOME income and is not an abuser or drug user. The "problem" is that he'll have to settle for a less than attractive woman, and very few men are willing to concede that. Every man, regardless of appearance makes a beeline for the 8's, 9's, and 10's with all other women sitting on the sidelines.
So, figure out what YOU'RE willing to concede in a woman and stop complaining that no one will concede to YOU regarding your looks.
What I dislike the most is women who marry men they are not attracted to because they have money and act like they are sincere people. Why don't they tell the guy the real reason why they're considering giving him a chance and see what he has to say about it? What you are talking about I already do except I send them on there ways when I'm done and I don't delude myself into thinking that it's an actual relationship.
What I dislike the most is women who marry men they are not attracted to because they have money and act like they are sincere people. Why don't they tell the guy the real reason why they're considering giving him a chance and see what he has to say about it? What you are talking about I already do except I send them on there ways when I'm done and I don't delude myself into thinking that it's an actual relationship.
Who would go out and bust their ass to get money to settle down with someone they aren't attracted to? Save me the personality speech I don't need to worry about that if im not attracted to you.
There is no such thing as ugly really. What someone doesn't like another person will. I was watching the show the Drs the other day and they had a woman with a rare disease with tumors all over her body and face. She was married and had a child that was on the show with her she didn't have the disease.
Honestly i could not date someone like that but my point is someone else did. Lets face it the most beautiful people are often just as or more lonely as you. Real beautiful people are treated like meat and their looks are the only thing people focus on. And some real attractive people actually turn people off from asking them out because they are so beautiful. Lastly real attractive people usually can not have a long term relationship because they are always seeking the next hot guy or gal.
I am average looking guy and I rather be average then "hot" any day.
I cannot agree with you at all. That is a shockingly obtuse statement made by a person who states that he is not unattractive, based on viewing a single TV article. Of course I haven't seen the TV article but it is possible that her marriage took place before the disease presented in that form: or even if not, a single exception does not invalidate many years of adverse experience undergone by myself and many others as a consequence of being significantly under the average in appearance. Would you consider suggesting to someone suffering from dwarfism (for example, not comparison) that the problem doesn't really exist?
There is a huge difference in having to move heaven and earth to try to find anyone interested in you as a person at all, or as 'Mr Average' perhaps appealing to 2 or 3 out of 5 opposite gender in any room.
You then go on to suggest that this is nothing compared to the poor 'beautiful people' who really have it hard! Apart from rubbing salt in the wound- and this thread isn't about the problems of the beautiful, anyway- your statement is at odds with scientific findings and incorrectly assumes that the beautiful have no influence over things themselves.
An "ugly" man can certainly get a woman, as long as he has SOME income and is not an abuser or drug user. The "problem" is that he'll have to settle for a less than attractive woman, and very few men are willing to concede that. Every man, regardless of appearance makes a beeline for the 8's, 9's, and 10's with all other women sitting on the sidelines.
So, figure out what YOU'RE willing to concede in a woman and stop complaining that no one will concede to YOU regarding your looks.
Been there, and it is not at all the same as a love match. More in the nature of a legal contract! The trouble is, when you (Mr Ugly) manage to actually find someone- for any reason- you are so thrilled by the miracle that any attempt at cold analysis falls by the wayside until later hard experience forces a reassessment. By the way, it isn't only 8,9,and 10 that one looks at , when unattractive one develops a fairly wide appreciation of the opposite gender and I wouldn't see things in those hierarchical terms anyway. Human nature is pretty uniform and 5 6 and 7 are just as capable of acting in the same manner as 8 9 and 10 - an 'ugly' is an 'ugly' equally to all.
Last edited by richardthird; 12-01-2016 at 11:52 AM..
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It is extremely kind of you to say so! I'd blush if I could find a suitable emote!
