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I am not asking at what age should a man start getting married and having kids, I am asking at what age he should at least know if this is in his game plan or not?
Been arguing with my bf over this since he will be turning 30 this year. I think he should know whether or not those are things he wants by now. He tells me he should know for sure in a couple of years. I don't think that's fair to keep me around considering those things are deal breakers for me if he decides he wants them-I can't give them to him. He's known this from the start (over 3 years ago).
I don't want a family or marriage, those are deal breakers for me. I don't want him to change his mind and want those things when I cant give them to him.
Opinions?
Good question.
I'm not male, but I've always known my stance on these things. I can't remember a time when I was ever waffling, have never been on the fence. So I don't really identify with people who don't just know, one way or another, because it wasn't like that, for me.
In general, I feel that it's best that people who are solid on their stance on these things need to be with others who are also solid. It doesn't work out well to be with somebody who is waffling on these, if you're not, in my personal experience.
Men never want children, they just accept to have them to keep women. At most, they want someone who resembles them and who bears their surname. But that's it.
Being in a relationship is always a risk. I married a person who supposedly wanted to be married and have kids and then about 9 months after we got married he said a) he no longer wants kids and b) he actually doesn't think marriage is for him either. Hey, I gambled and I lost. If I were you I'd measure the risk against the reward. He's not saying he for sure wants marriage and kids...you could break up and lose someone you really love for something that hasn't even happened yet. What do you have to lose by waiting it out? He might change his mind and you break up, but you could break up about something totally unrelated to this topic, or like I said you could break up now for something that may never happen. You could break up with this guy and run into the same issue a few years down the line with a different guy. I understand you want to avoid future heartache if he changes his mind, but I don't think there's ever a guarantee you won't end up hurt when you're in a relationship.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,753,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN
Men never want children, they just accept to have them to keep women. At most, they want someone who resembles them and who bears their surname. But that's it.
I'm not so sure this is totally false. I think a lot of men would choose not to have kids if it were more accepted by society. Going my today's media it seems like its a requirement rather than what it should be, a CHOICE. I firmly stand by the logic that children should be a choice every couple talks about not an inevitability after marriage. I am sick of having it shoved down my throat that kids and marriage are a part of every life.
Being in a relationship is always a risk. I married a person who supposedly wanted to be married and have kids and then about 9 months after we got married he said a) he no longer wants kids and b) he actually doesn't think marriage is for him either. Hey, I gambled and I lost. If I were you I'd measure the risk against the reward. He's not saying he for sure wants marriage and kids...you could break up and lose someone you really love for something that hasn't even happened yet. What do you have to lose by waiting it out? He might change his mind and you break up, but you could break up about something totally unrelated to this topic, or like I said you could break up now for something that may never happen. You could break up with this guy and run into the same issue a few years down the line with a different guy. I understand you want to avoid future heartache if he changes his mind, but I don't think there's ever a guarantee you won't end up hurt when you're in a relationship.
Life if full of risks.
But deciding to invest in another human being is probably the riskiest venture of all.
Even being a parent leaves you wide open to some of the biggest heartbreak you can imagine sometimes.
Of course, true love and the love of your child can also be the greatest thing you will ever experience in your life, for those willing to take the risk
I am so sorry the risk you took for love did not pan out! I can only imagine your disappointment
I know though that you will learn from this experience and it will make you a stronger woman in the long run. Later on in life this hardship will make the next love in your life all the sweeter, I have no doubt!
Great advice here about there being "no guarantee's".
Pretty much settled on the idea of not wanting to have kids for a variety of reasons in my late 20's and now that im 32, its pretty much concrete.
Hurts the dating pool a lot, but I'm simply not meant to be a father for reasons I won't get into but needless to say, I REFUSE to become part of the statistic of "boys" becoming fathers just because they felt the societal "pressure" to become one and or feel thats what expected of them in general.
I'd rather be alone then be a poor father to a child I never wanted, too many of those in this world already. I will not add to that.
I'm not so sure this is totally false. I think a lot of men would choose not to have kids if it were more accepted by society. Going my today's media it seems like its a requirement rather than what it should be, a CHOICE. I firmly stand by the logic that children should be a choice every couple talks about not an inevitability after marriage. I am sick of having it shoved down my throat that kids and marriage are a part of every life.
His statement is totally false because he said "Men never want children." If he had said "Some men never want children" - I would totally buy that. But to say that no men want children is simply false. I know MANY men that have wanted children - some that ended up having them and some that didn't. And right now, I know many men that want to have children of their own that are single. I also know many women who don't want children and many that do. Now that I have a child and am so overwhelmed by my love for him - it makes me so angry that there are so many parents out there that do not love their children and that are horrible parents. I agree with you - having children should be a choice. It shouldn't be an accident or an obligation. The world is full of crappy parents.
His statement is totally false because he said "Men never want children." If he had said "Some men never want children" - I would totally buy that. But to say that no men want children is simply false. I know MANY men that have wanted children - some that ended up having them and some that didn't. And right now, I know many men that want to have children of their own that are single. I also know many women who don't want children and many that do. Now that I have a child and am so overwhelmed by my love for him - it makes me so angry that there are so many parents out there that do not love their children and that are horrible parents. I agree with you - having children should be a choice. It shouldn't be an accident or an obligation. The world is full of crappy parents.
It's a social requirement which defied opens you up to ridicule and people assuming why you're going against the grain. It should be a choice on all levels. Society punish those who are strong enough to not live such a cookie cutter lifestyle. Those who do their own thing and not follow the sheep.
If half the people didn't understand the post, the problem is in the way you wrote it, not the way they read it. You need to be more clear when expressing yourself.
This wasn't clear?? It was in my original post....and it was bolded.
I don't want a family or marriage, those are deal breakers for me. I don't want him to change his mind and want those things when I cant give them to him.
Last edited by findly185; 03-26-2013 at 07:26 PM..
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