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I am in a LTR with him currently. He wants to buy a house together next year and I want to live with him. I dont want to do all that and then find out he wants things from me I refuse to give him and he leaves me. I think he should decide before we move in together.
I can understand that. Entwining finances and home ownership can create problems and get messy if later one of you wants to leave for whatever reason, but especially if it's a reason that can probably be decided now. Is he someone who drifts into whatever life brings, or is he more of a planner with goals? If the former, he may just go with whatever happens regarding children, and not really know or care right now. If the latter, he probably knows very well what he wants - then it becomes a question of whether he's telling you or not, for whatever reason(s).
Last edited by TaoistDude; 03-26-2013 at 01:48 PM..
Can I suggest you reframe the way you are looking at this?
Instead of focusing on the "shoulds" relative to him, why don't you spend sometime figuring out what YOU want....and whether or not he is capable and/or likely to fulfill it.
Ask yourself:
Do I want to get married?
Do I want kids?
If I had all the time in the world, would this "the" man?
Why do I want to be married/have kids--is it because of your overwhelming love for him, or just your own desire?
There are NO right or wrongs to these questions but I think it's important you begin this process by looking at your own needs, being honest about them and not trying to subjugate them. You have EVERY right to want what you want, no matter what the reasons are.....
So let's say you in your secret heart, you wish this man would get off his bubkus and propose. Well, own that. Know it and own it. Perhaps you just wish you at least knew the possibility was open you were heading in the same way? Equally valid question--but explore it further. What do you get from leaving things open? Is it because you yourself are ambiguous about him/marriage etc? Is this a way to postpone the inevitable? Really think. Really be honest. Really be open to your needs.
Then, you need to put a plan in place to get those goals. You can never make another person do something they don't want to do. But what you can do, what you can control, is YOU being in the right place, in the right frame of mind to find what you are looking for..... That may mean walking away from this guy, who is unable to give you something that is clearly important enough to you to go on an INterner forum to discuss. Whether you are looking for a full blown commitment, or just a nod, well that's for you to decide and why.
Now that I have given you the generic, WASPY version of that advice, let me give you my Jewish mother reply.
IF he has not asked you yet, he is very unlikely to unless you do something to shake things up. He has NO motivation otherwise. Does that mean you need to manipulate him into proposing? Heck NO! It does mean though that you have to stop ASKING HIM WHAT HE IS FEELING and telling him what you need. Then you need to act and more than likely, walk away.
If he is the right guy, he will come running and if he is not, YOU WILL FIND A BETTER GUY.
When I was your age, I was in your situation. I did not fight for the guy, we broke up. A few years later, I met a different guy, and things got a tiny bit shaky. This time I fought tooth and nail and we are married today, twenty years. What was the difference? I wanted him and I had no ambivalence about it--whereas with the previous guy, I knew on a deep level, things were not right. That's why I never fought for more. I was stuck in a relationship with a guy I loved but who was wrong for me. When the right guy came along, I didn't just "love" him; I adored him and I would have fought tooth and nail, hand, arms, whatever to get him because he was worth it. We still adore each other today, by the way.
My last piece of advise.
I really believe that who you marry is perhaps even more important to your long term happiness than anything else you do. That guy I told you about? Divorced, whereas we are happy and have a beautiful family. Be selective. Be discerning. Don't give up your life to a guy that doesn't and hasn't earned it. Marriage is hard work and you will be tested and you will wonder why you are there--and isn't it better to go through that with someone you trust implicitly versus somebody that has been wishy washy about you to this point?
Can I suggest you reframe the way you are looking at this?
Instead of focusing on the "shoulds" relative to him, why don't you spend sometime figuring out what YOU want....and whether or not he is capable and/or likely to fulfill it.
Ask yourself:
Do I want to get married?
Do I want kids?
If I had all the time in the world, would this "the" man?
Why do I want to be married/have kids--is it because of your overwhelming love for him, or just your own desire?
There are NO right or wrongs to these questions but I think it's important you begin this process by looking at your own needs, being honest about them and not trying to subjugate them. You have EVERY right to want what you want, no matter what the reasons are.....
So let's say you in your secret heart, you wish this man would get off his bubkus and propose. Well, own that. Know it and own it. Perhaps you just wish you at least knew the possibility was open you were heading in the same way? Equally valid question--but explore it further. What do you get from leaving things open? Is it because you yourself are ambiguous about him/marriage etc? Is this a way to postpone the inevitable? Really think. Really be honest. Really be open to your needs.
Then, you need to put a plan in place to get those goals. You can never make another person do something they don't want to do. But what you can do, what you can control, is YOU being in the right place, in the right frame of mind to find what you are looking for..... That may mean walking away from this guy, who is unable to give you something that is clearly important enough to you to go on an INterner forum to discuss. Whether you are looking for a full blown commitment, or just a nod, well that's for you to decide and why.
Now that I have given you the generic, WASPY version of that advice, let me give you my Jewish mother reply.
IF he has not asked you yet, he is very unlikely to unless you do something to shake things up. He has NO motivation otherwise. Does that mean you need to manipulate him into proposing? Heck NO! It does mean though that you have to stop ASKING HIM WHAT HE IS FEELING and telling him what you need. Then you need to act and more than likely, walk away.
If he is the right guy, he will come running and if he is not, YOU WILL FIND A BETTER GUY.
When I was your age, I was in your situation. I did not fight for the guy, we broke up. A few years later, I met a different guy, and things got a tiny bit shaky. This time I fought tooth and nail and we are married today, twenty years. What was the difference? I wanted him and I had no ambivalence about it--whereas with the previous guy, I knew on a deep level, things were not right. That's why I never fought for more. I was stuck in a relationship with a guy I loved but who was wrong for me. When the right guy came along, I didn't just "love" him; I adored him and I would have fought tooth and nail, hand, arms, whatever to get him because he was worth it. We still adore each other today, by the way.
My last piece of advise.
I really believe that who you marry is perhaps even more important to your long term happiness than anything else you do. That guy I told you about? Divorced, whereas we are happy and have a beautiful family. Be selective. Be discerning. Don't give up your life to a guy that doesn't and hasn't earned it. Marriage is hard work and you will be tested and you will wonder why you are there--and isn't it better to go through that with someone you trust implicitly versus somebody that has been wishy washy about you to this point?
Please re-read my post your advice is not applicable. Thanx.
Let me just say what an interesting commentary on social perceptions this thread has been.
Looks like almost everyone glazes over and assumes female with male issues about marriage and kids. Must be that the female is impatient and needs the man to commit and get married and have children immediately.
I even went back and added the bolded statement and people are still misreading based on presumptions.
Let me just say what an interesting commentary on social perceptions this thread has been.
Looks like almost everyone glazes over and assumes female with male issues about marriage and kids. Must be that the female is impatient and needs the man to commit and get married and have children immediately.
I even went back and added the bolded statement and people are still misreading based on presumptions.
Start breeding honey. You are doing the world a disservice.
Let me just say what an interesting commentary on social perceptions this thread has been.
Looks like almost everyone glazes over and assumes female with male issues about marriage and kids. Must be that the female is impatient and needs the man to commit and get married and have children immediately.
I even went back and added the bolded statement and people are still misreading based on presumptions.
That is because MOST women do want kids. I get that's not you, but since you were not clear on post 1, that's what happens. Rather than chastise people, how about you take a bit of gratitude that people care enough to try and answer. Edited to say: Went back and I think the bold was actually a great improvement. I missed it the first time.
That is because MOST women do want kids. I get that's not you, but since you were not clear on post 1, that's what happens. Rather than chastise people, how about you take a bit of gratitude that people care enough to try and answer. Edited to say: Went back and I think the bold was actually a great improvement. I missed it the first time.
Thee bolded statement:
I don't want a family or marriage, those are deal breakers for me. I don't want him to change his mind and want those things when I cant give them to him.
I don't want a family or marriage, those are deal breakers for me. I don't want him to change his mind and want those things when I cant give them to him.
Was added about 4 hours ago.
Still missed it, mea culpa. By the way--people do change their minds about kids. That's a fact. So he can give you a million assurances today, and then have a change of heart. THe bottom line is you are pressuring him to give you an absolute on something he is not ready to do. SO rather than look at him, look at you and figure out how to go from here. Otherwise, what you might get, is an assurance today and a broken promise down the line. He is TELLING you now that he can't rule it out and that's not good enough for you but it may be all he can offer. He is clearly ambivalent or you would have gotten your answer--so what that tells me is that he can promise up and down he won't but you may find he changes his mind.
How old are you findly? Youre going to hate me for saying it, but almost every woman I have ever known who thought she didnt want children, started considering it once they hit their mid thirties, when their biological clock started clicking louder.
Oh my gosh, I'm so tired of hearing this. I am childless by choice. I knew when I was young that I didn't want kids. Everybody around me said the same thing -- You'll change your mind. (I didn't.) You just need to meet the right man. (I did. Happily married until his death.) Wait until your biological clock starts ticking down. (I'm 48. Riiiiiing.) To be blunt, that's a load of manure. And I know numerous women who are happily childless by choice. Give the OP some credit for knowing herself.
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