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Do you not analyze every relationship enough to remember the details? I'm genuinely curious. I could tell you something unique about every partner I've had. Not in public though.
"something unique about every partner I've had"
Thats for sure. It may be a totally PG13 quality thing I remember: Face, twinkle in the eye, sexy voice. I do remember one woman I was dating who had the most perfect Yowwow that I have ever seen
the point they're making is that if you didn't care about the grass growing outside, you wouldn't be able to make an accurate bar graph of the average height of a blade of grass by area(geographic area)
I don't care about the rocks I see outside, so I wouldn't be able to easily and accurately tell you the best or the worst I've seen recently
but for example, I care about the attractiveness of women, so I'd be able to tell you who the hottest girl i know is, and who the ugliest girl i know is, that's because it does matter to me
the fact that the OP can just say that means that not only does size matter enough that she knows how big her SO is, it matters so much she knows how big they all are/were and can and has compared them in her mind, like she already fully compiled the data and was ready to publish a report on her findings
I think you're over-stretching, and that that's a poor analogy.
You're comparing something that people usually interact with only passively, and comparatively rarely, VS something usually interacted with actively, and atleast a few times a week/day (depending on how new the relationship is).
I think it's more similar to being asked "Who's the tallest person you've dated?"
I'm sure within 10 seconds, you can come up with an answer quick enough to "blurt out," - does it mean you've catalogued everybody, made lists, and dwell on it? Probably not.
It's simply the quality of a characteristic of the other person you've interacted with.
She then alughed and asked me who had the smallest one in my experience. I didn't think before I opened my mouth because I answered Ian. Well Ian gave me a stuned and shocked look. I recovered and said that I was kidding but I think the damage was done. The friends ion our group sort of sobered up and left the group.
You disrespected him in front of a group of people? and now he is going to feel like the least manliest dude there?
ouch.
He may go ahead and break up with you. If not then you have quite a bit of making up to do. you have to regain his trust
Last edited by bluevalentine1986; 07-20-2013 at 10:31 AM..
I think apologize first, but then give him time to be angry and to get over it. Don't try to make him reassure YOU that he's not mad (he is). In other words, you have to get comfortable with the fact that you're going to feel uncomfortable for awhile. Many times people try to make their apology about THEM and want to be reassured after that they are forgiven, but that makes it about you rather than him. Just say sorry once (please do not beg or go overboard) and then give him time to get over it completely.
I agree with most what you all said, and also think that this guy is maybe going to forgive, but he is not going to forget. Ever. No matter how many times you beg to forget about that, or try to turn it into a joke, or make a statement on TV. Nothing is going to change that.
However, I don't agree with this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar
Are they just/primarily YOUR friends, or are they mutual friends? If they're your friends, I would suggest taking a break from couples activities involving those friends for the foreseeable future. Meaning you skip the barbeque. Meaning you might see those girls on your own, but you don't ask him to come along or go off to activities with them when he's at home alone. You forge new friendships with people this didn't involve, or you spend time with other friends of his who weren't there
If you leave him at home, and go to see you old friends - he will wonder if you still are talking about him, his size or are going to discuss details about your sex life. Not only that, once he experienced your indiscretion, he will be tense every time you open your mouth. He will be observing everyone who is affiliated with you - your friends, your coworkers, your family - trying to get clues about what they know.
He is not going to trust you in that matter. In fact he is not going to trust you in any matter anymore.
Taking this into consideration, I just can't see how this relationship can successfully proceed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Davros
Again, why would anyone be proud or ashamed of this, and I'm a man. Should a man be proud or ashamed of having brown eyes ? Is that an accomplishment ?
True, but lots of people are worried and insecure about such things. Just read the Relationship Forums and you will see all kinds of anxiety there. Many people are generally not happy with their appearance. Some of it could be changed, some not. Things that can't be changed worry the most.
Men are worried about their height - 6 ft is great, but 5'6" is not ( read the posts written by short people). Or getting bald, or wrinkled, or decreased libido, big nose, acne, skin color, etc. Women are worried about small breast, flat behind, big feet, body shape, baby fat, thin hair ... you name it.
Men are worried the most about the size of their member, and their libido. Women want to look like a Barbie, and be irresistible. They can fake many aspects of their sex life, men can't.
Even those who are perfectly shaped and overall handsome, are still not happy and working on more muscles, toned body, less weight ( Exercise forum) - and are posting endless questions what to do to be more desirable.
( Note: I didn't say ALL - I said "lots", "most" or "many")
Realistically you can never fix that. He will always have that in the back of his mind. You will always be a constant reminder. Not bursting your bubbles but men are usually self conscious and it is made even worse when his significant other would show it up.
The worst part is that you highlighted that in front of friends that he will be seeing from time to time. This is really a tough one.
It is unfixable. But it sounds like you wanted to terminate the relationship, consciously or unconsciously. If he is smart he will leave.
The problem here is not only did you say something insensitive, but since there is some truth to what you said, you poked a hot iron in a very tender spot. Whether or not they "should" care about it, many men are very sensitive about the size issue, even though average variations don't make much difference to a lot of women.
If there's still a chance you can fix this (which there may not be), you need to demonstrate that you realize how hurtful and cruel this was on your part, whether you were drunk and in control of your better sense or not, and not belittle the impact this has had on him. You're going to have to make a major gesture because even though this happened quickly and seemed small to you, it was a huge, insulting thing for him.
He has been forthcoming in sharing that you humiliated him and now he is embarrassed to go around your friends. Are they just/primarily YOUR friends, or are they mutual friends? If they're your friends, I would suggest taking a break from couples activities involving those friends for the foreseeable future. Meaning you skip the barbeque. Meaning you might see those girls on your own, but you don't ask him to come along or go off to activities with them when he's at home alone. You forge new friendships with people this didn't involve, or you spend time with other friends of his who weren't there.
And if you get so drunk you can't control things like this coming out of your mouth, you really need to think about drinking less. If you can't stop once you start, maybe you need to not drink at all in public. I'm not sure. But it would be a shame if it cost you a relationship you value over a dumb joke after too much to drink.
I think this is best explanation. If he wasn't insecure about his size, he would have laughed it off and said something like like "I'm not small, I've got a full 2 1/2 inches!".
And you are absolutely making things worse by continuing to talk about it. If you go up to his friends and say "hey I was just joking about my BFs size." They will immediately see that you're trying to cover for him. I'm sure some have forgotten you even made the comment or don't care, but there is nothing you can do. You don't bring it up again. If someone else brings it up you say that you were joking around and that's it. Any more and they know there was truth behind your "joke".
Don't worry, he's spreading rumors about you as we speak or he's thinking if she's not with me for the sex what is she with me for.
The poison has been administered and things will never be the same. Every time you want to have a drink he's going to be thinking "oh great, what sort of crap is she going to say now." Every time you go off with your girlfriends he's going to be thinking what is she talking about to them. If it has affected his social life with his friends in any way by him catching flack it will only make it that much worse.
OP might want to learn from her mistake and move on herself. Poor b*stard didn't desrve it, but he's going to spend the whole marriage throwing it in her face every time they argue. This could easily cause a life long complex for the guy.
I think you're over-stretching, and that that's a poor analogy.
You're comparing something that people usually interact with only passively, and comparatively rarely, VS something usually interacted with actively, and atleast a few times a week/day (depending on how new the relationship is).
I think it's more similar to being asked "Who's the tallest person you've dated?"
I'm sure within 10 seconds, you can come up with an answer quick enough to "blurt out," - does it mean you've catalogued everybody, made lists, and dwell on it? Probably not.
It's simply the quality of a characteristic of the other person you've interacted with.
I couldn't tell you what color shirt my friend wore to school with any reliability, even if you asked me on that day
and yet, I could easily tell you someone's entire class schedule even if I don't know them well assuming they're hot, because I've probably given it thought and figured it out completely(not nearly as hard or stalkerish as it sounds, i could figure out my friends schedules too but I usually already know their schedules)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun
"something unique about every partner I've had"
Thats for sure. It may be a totally PG13 quality thing I remember: Face, twinkle in the eye, sexy voice. I do remember one woman I was dating who had the most perfect Yowwow that I have ever seen
ohhh that's my favorite kind of dog! how old was it?
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