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Thanks for remembering that thread. Why am I not able to see him the way you put it? I know what you said fits the description but why am I still not able to see it?
Your counselor can help you find the answer to that. Harsh truths can be hard to accept. Perhaps we have defense mechanisms that shield us from facing certain things. Or perhaps you came into the marriage hoping for the best, and believing that some measure of happiness was possible.
There has to be more to the story then husband going out one night week with buddies. If you are going to leave him for that 80% of guys in this country would be divorced. Like I said in a early post I normally go out once a week with my buddies. My wife is fine with it. I help out before I go and then take off. She enjoys spending some time by herself.
Only thing that bothers me is the 3am thing. She has right to know what he is doing until 3am that is very late.
Even within this thread, the OP has presented more. She says his work hours and hers are the complete opposite, so they rarely see each other. He even works weekends. She also said that he leaves for work 1/2 hour after she comes home from her workday. So it looks to me like to some extent he's trying to pretend he's not married. There is no couple time. There's no family time. The one night/week that they might be able to share with each other, he goes out with his buddies until the wee hours of the morning.
How is she supposed to feel? He's avoiding her at every turn.
Thanks for remembering that thread. Why am I not able to see him the way you put it? I know what you said fits the description but why am I still not able to see it?
Because you were raised not to see it, but just live with it. One day something will happen, and it will be like a firecracker has lit you up, and you will pack your kids & leave.
Thanks for remembering that thread. Why am I not able to see him the way you put it? I know what you said fits the description but why am I still not able to see it?
Why in your situation I do not know.
My wife would say now that in retrospect, it was her ex's manipulation that prevented her from seeing it. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he loved her, and because of that she would not accept that his actions were anything but from a loving individual.
Ruth has it right, this is something to explore with your counselor! Especially since you indicate the situation fits the description! It can be very difficult to look at the situation through analytical eyes when your so emotionally involved (and those emotions are being toyed with).
Your counselor can help you find the answer to that. Harsh truths can be hard to accept. Perhaps we have defense mechanisms that shield us from facing certain things. Or perhaps you came into the marriage hoping for the best, and believing that some measure of happiness was possible.
ya, I will talk about it with my counselor. Sometimes I worry if I sound like a broken record to her...going on and on about the same thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Because you were raised not to see it, but just live with it. One day something will happen, and it will be like a firecracker has lit you up, and you will pack your kids & leave.
Yes, my best friend says the same thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24
Why in your situation I do not know.
My wife would say now that in retrospect, it was her ex's manipulation that prevented her from seeing it. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he loved her, and because of that she would not accept that his actions were anything but from a loving individual.
It could be the case in my situation too. I mean he can be a sweetheart when he wants to. Then something small happens and he wouldnt talk to me for several weeks. There were times I dont even know what happened, what I did this time to trigger it. When I ask him he says 'nothing'. So it could be the manipulation too. Since I am involved with him right now, I dont see a clear picture. maybe once I am really free from everything, I will see the answers (like your wife).
The OP only sees him a half hour between their work schedules during the week . He works weekends and the only night off he has, he spends with his friends. It sounds similar to your own situation. That's what I found humorous. Sorry if that hurt your feelings.
I think this thread is an excellent example of how arranged marriages dont work, if nothing else...
I think this thread is an excellent example of how arranged marriages dont work, if nothing else...
trust me, this is not a reflection on majority of arranged marriages. Not to deviate my own thread but if we take your word for it, love marriages should not fail. But they are. Big time. Why?
Its got nothing to do with arranged marriages and love marriages. Its got to do with individual personalities. Though I agrre that to an extent the love marriages have a head start, in the sense that you have a better chance fo catching the red flags before its too late.
ya, I will talk about it with my counselor. Sometimes I worry if I sound like a broken record to her...going on and on about the same thing.
Yes, my best friend says the same thing.
It could be the case in my situation too. I mean he can be a sweetheart when he wants to. Then something small happens and he wouldnt talk to me for several weeks. There were times I dont even know what happened, what I did this time to trigger it. When I ask him he says 'nothing'. So it could be the manipulation too. Since I am involved with him right now, I dont see a clear picture. maybe once I am really free from everything, I will see the answers (like your wife).
Sounds all too familiar to me.
Being sweet, then punishing you with silent treatment is one manipulation tactic. He is sweet to keep you involved in the relationship, then "punishes" you emotionally when he doesn't get his way. It is why you are confused and conflicted about it all... that is the intent of what he is doing.
Anyway, your not triggering anything. It is not you. It is him.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
trust me, this is not a reflection on majority of arranged marriages. Not to deviate my own thread but if we take your word for it, love marriages should not fail. But they are. Big time. Why?
They don't fail, big time, actually. If educated people wait until they're actually adults (late 20s or later) the divorce rate is rather low for first marriages.
It could be the case in my situation too. I mean he can be a sweetheart when he wants to. Then something small happens and he wouldnt talk to me for several weeks. There were times I dont even know what happened, what I did this time to trigger it. When I ask him he says 'nothing'. So it could be the manipulation too. Since I am involved with him right now, I dont see a clear picture. maybe once I am really free from everything, I will see the answers (like your wife).
OP, this is very childish behavior. By your description through the course of this thread, it sounds like either your husband is very immature, or he was spoiled by his parents. (Same end result, I guess.) Is this a culture where boys are raised to be little kings? That kind of cultural conditioning is almost impossible to overcome. It sounds like he feels entitled to have his way, and that he feels no obligation at all to even be polite to you.
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