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This is a no-fault state. It makes no difference who is "at fault", who cheated on whom, etc.
He is also in California, which is a community property state. So she does not have nothing in a divorce. She has half, unless he came in with a ton of resources. Even states that don’t have permanent alimony also usually have temporary to help people get back on their feet if they have been out of the workforce a while.
To be fair you do have nearly as much or equal accountability in what has happened to your relationship. You stopped communicating (at least effectively), you stopped sleeping together in the same bed (women find that important for marital bonding), no sex, etc....
Essentially you both gave up on your marriage. Secondly people that don’t work have extreme exposure to depression and can fill their minds and time with bad vices/activities. You shouldn’t have enabled her with just staying at home. You could have gotten her counseling but at least keep her in a PT job.
I have no advice what to do from here but seek a lawyer. It’s possible you could get some informal legal documents for her to sign a divorce contract without her lawyering up to get money.
I know I'm not the first one to experience this, my Wife and I spent 18 years together, 10 of those were not married, but we lived together. I recently found out she is chatting online with some guy she met online via Instagram, she was being very shady about it, wasn't changing her ways or not saying "I Love You", though our relationship has had a rough road the past 4 years, a few deaths in the family, we relocated from Florida to California for my career. We have not been intimate, that is no sex for 5 years, we have been sleeping in different beds due to my work schedule and combined snoring issues and getting good sleep. It wasn't always this way.
Yet we still were friends, did things together and went out and to places. We hugged and kissed, just not like it was earlier. I was trying to give her space, after a tragic death in the family, I tried to be intimate but she wasnt' interested, so I backed off and gave her space. She didn't like me talking about work problems and money issues, she said I wasnt' romantic anymore but that can go against her as well. I thought things would work out, but a few fights and her attitude said otherwise. I also told her myself, I cannot keep doing this out of anger.
We have had some fights, it started to appear like were not meshing, on top of it financial issues have always been an issue, my Wife couldn't not hold down a good job and was out of the job market for a very long time, so I was carrying everything, car payments, rent, food and spending money and it's not like I budgeted her $20 a week for personal items, I made sure she was happy, handbags, clothes, make-up and etc. I also got her a new car when she needed one. Yet she made some comment that I only thought of myself.
Back to what happened, I knew she was up to something when I checked the Browser History I saw some chat apps and searches for things that were not right. She also has a habit of scribbling down stuff on paper and printing out e-mails, I found a pile of those and the person she was talking to didn't have good grammar and was using words to manipulate her, I was thinking she was getting herself into trouble, she also supposedly talked to this guy on the phone, but not when I was around. She also changed all her passwords since they were auto loading, which was another red flag. She was typing sexual notes and I don't know if she e-mailed those, but she was talking like she was delusional, like she was living a fantasy.
She did this once before in 2008, but changed her mind on going through with it and we stayed together. I guess though I'm getting what I deserve here because I met her online when she was in a relationship with another guy that she wasn't happy with it, but they were not married and never were, she came from a long term relationship with baggage that I had to deal with. She broke up with me 8 months after we moved in together because she was having difficult times in living with what she did to her previous boyfriend, she was broke, no job and would have been homeless, I gave a it a month and we reconnected and she moved in with me this time. All seemed to work out after that and we got married.
So I guess it's easy for her to be this way, when I confronted her, she got very defensive and knew she was caught, I pressed her for answers more so on who is this person and where do they live, she wouldn't tell me said it doesn't matter just that he lives in CA, we got in a shouting match and she left, I later found out she was out sitting in some shopping mall talking to this guy on the phone, because I sent her a text and she gave me a one liner "I'm on the phone", guess you can see how important I am. She uses her phone now more than ever and can be descrete and secretive, knows I don't have access to it.
I said to her flat out, that we both do not share the same values and I would never, ever do this to you, if I wasn't happy in our relationship, that is bring another woman into the mix.
I talked to her about getting marriage counseling and know I'm not perfect nor is she. It was a futile conversation and she just acted like she did not care about my feelings, she was not crying or upset, which is totally out of character for her.
The following day, I have given her the silent treatment, no talking no eye contact, I left for the day to get out and didn't say where I was going. I returned and she was home, I did not say anything and nor has she. I dont' feel a need to talk anymore, her mind is made up obviously and she is living this fantasy with some stranger she just met like he is going to be Romeo, granted it look a lot longer for us to become romantic, 6+ months and she lied to me about being in a relationship, I found out 5 months in and almost pulled the plug, so there goes those lying ways.
I'm just in a state of shock that she can be so cold to me and do this, I can see relationships don't work out, divorces are common, but to be sitting at home chatting with some stranger while I'm at work and being cunning about it speaks in volumes on her character. I also read that it is a form of cheating, infidelity even without there being any physical contact between them. I also dont' know what her plans are, she talked about getting her own place which she cannot afford at all. I told her she can stay with me till she get's her feet on the ground, but I know that won't happen and she cannot move in with this guy because we are still married, I believe there are issues if she does that.
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money, but I know how expensive it is to file divorce in CA and she won't pay for it. I don't forsee this being done and over in 6 to 12 months. I didn't sleep the night after I found this out, I have been holding back tears and emotions on our life and memories and cannot believe she did this about face zfg thing with me.
I guess I have to accept reality in life. The issue is, outside of work I don't know anyone here nor do I have any family nearby. She is in the same boat, but obviously the thought of hooking up with his new guy erased those thoughts from her mind.
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money, Get that in writing from her and file for divorce!!!! You talk about expensive..well to tell you the truth...the amount of money YOU have spent on her all these years FAR exceeds what it will cost for you to get that divorce! Get it!! Why you chose to stay with someone who make excuses in the job dept is beyond me.Supporting someone who is lazy and cheating on you...why would you do that?Get that divorce started tomorrow.Of course she will not help you pay for it...she doesn't have a job! Which you have put up with for years...so don't be surprised about that.Stop the talk about couples counseling...she is NOT wanting to do that.You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do and THAT is an indicator what they obviously thing about the relationship.Let her go to this guy and YOU get out of this mess.You deserve to be free of all of this.Life is too short.Start getting your finances in order...put the house up for sale so you don't have to be living in the same place with her...Act now...the marriage is over.She never respected it to begin with and your wife didn't do a 360...she was always like this BUT you refuse to have seen the red flags...which you yourself had stated...like the fact that when you met her...she was STILL in a relationship with another guy...
Don't you get it,...never get involved with someone who is in a relationship because THEY will eventually do the same thing to do in the end.
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money,
Great! Then if you want to know the whole truth of the situation, tell her 'fine' and to get out
Let lover boy support her
If you are really ready to let her go, her financial situation shouldn't be anything you're concerned about
He is also in California, which is a community property state. So she does not have nothing in a divorce. She has half, unless he came in with a ton of resources. Even states that don’t have permanent alimony also usually have temporary to help people get back on their feet if they have been out of the workforce a while.
None of which contradicts what I stated, so not sure what point you are trying to make.
I'm a lifelong California resident, and I divorced after 18 years of marriage, so I am familiar with how it works here.
Yes it is, no-fault but I know I can sleep at night. I could never, ever feel good about knowing I cheated on the one I love, whether it be physical contact or cybersex, I read some views on online cheating, many say it is just that cheating even if no physical contact happened. I look at it more like untrustworthy, values are low, narcissitic and unfaithful. That who saying when you get married "Till Death Do Us Part" can be broken.
I'm just saying you don't need copies of her emails, notes, etc. The court is NOT going to determine fault.. Who gets what is based on state law; fault does not have any impact at all.
Taking copies of that stuff is only going to cause you more emotional pain. Don't do it.
Have you talked with her to find out what her plans are? If she wants to leave and be with Mr. Internet, maybe you can come up with a plan to make that happen.
She's living in a fantasy right now and would probably be agreeable to a few stipulations if it meant reaching her goal faster. Better to take advantage of that time now than to wait for something to fall through and then have you, again, stuck together in a nowhere relationship. Whatever you can do to move her towards her goal is only going to help you mentally and financially, in the long run.
To be fair you do have nearly as much or equal accountability in what has happened to your relationship. You stopped communicating (at least effectively), you stopped sleeping together in the same bed (women find that important for marital bonding), no sex, etc....
Essentially you both gave up on your marriage. Secondly people that don’t work have extreme exposure to depression and can fill their minds and time with bad vices/activities. You shouldn’t have enabled her with just staying at home. You could have gotten her counseling but at least keep her in a PT job.
I have no advice what to do from here but seek a lawyer. It’s possible you could get some informal legal documents for her to sign a divorce contract without her lawyering up to get money.
Yes, I do see your point. I tried but I ran out of steam with her.
Reason we stopped sleeping in the same bed, was because of multiple reasons, 1) she snores and so do I, but she would wake me up before I would wake up her on average. For the 18 years we have been together, I was able to sleep in the same bed up until a few years ago, because I was not getting a good night's rest which being the sole wage earner was placing more stress on me. 2) We moved out here and lived in a small condo for 2 years, we slept in the same bed, but I would often find myself getting up and sleeping on the sofa due to her snoring, this has happened before too. The biggest issue with this place we were living at the time, the people above us were rude and loud very early in the morning, our master bedroom was right under theirs which was a nightmare for us both as well they had a treadmill and would get on it at 7AM in the morning, we complained to the HOA but nothing ever changed. So my only recourse was sleeping in a small den which was underneath their den which they appeared to never use, but it wasn't 100% effective, so we moved to a detached place that is very quiet, but the habit of sleeping in different rooms continued, more so out of necessity in rest.
She was also sleeping in different rooms in her last relationship, history repeats itself.
The past 18 years, she has only had a full-time job for 2 to 3 years on total with odd jobs, her last good job opportunity paid well and more than she ever made and she only lasted 3 days, someone pissed her off and she quit. I did motivate her to go back to school and get a degree, early in our relationship, which I fully supported and had no issues with, but we moved around a lot due to my career which put stress on things, but she was fully supportive. Including coming out here with me.
I know she is depressed, not feeling self worth and her self esteem was low. I tried to help her find a job, but nothing happeend, interviews went with no return calls, during the downturn she wasnt' even looking anymore, prior to leaving FL to move out here, she was working a temp job for a few months but got pissed off with a co-worker and quit. Looking back at her prior history, before I was in the picture, this is how she is. So while the spotlight can be put on me, it's more so her history.
Since moving here some traumatic things happened in our family with the loss of a loved one, we started sleeping the same room again for a few months, but the issues with snoring continued. Though we were sleeping in the same room, any romatic moments of intimacy, were shunned away by her and this happened in FL as well after another traumatic loss in the family. Sex was far from her mind and mine, but we were together in bed during this time, I slept with her in the same bed. After 6 months nothing changed, 12 months and longer nothing. I wasn't concerned, because I had to emotionally support her, which I thought I did well.
I have paid for everything the past 18 years, aside from a few things she bought me like gifts, but since she didnt' have steady work, often things she bought me on average were paid for by me with allowance or a credit card I gave her to use.
I never robbed her of not being able to get her hair, nails, pedicure and purchase costly make-up and perfumes, along with lots' of clothes and shoes. She also had nice cars, paid for by me before we were married. When I met her she had a loan, was only 2 years into a 5 year finance deal, she quit her full-time job 2 years after 6 months after we moved in together, I gave her money when she dumped me the first time, then after we reconnected I funded her lifestyle and paid for her car till it was paid off along with paying for service and etc. All of which was done prior to being married, sucker? Maybe I am?
This is the short list, I won't go into detail what the past 18 years has cost me in finances, I'm quite embarrased but thought I was doing the right thing in trying to make this work.
Have you talked with her to find out what her plans are?
I think this ^^ is a good idea.
But I am reading a LOT of enabling language in the OP's posts, and it goes far beyond the fact that he loves her. And honestly the idea of working out a plan together for her to live out her fantasy sounds (emotionally) dangerous.
OP, your wife does this stuff because you (and all the guys before you) let her get away with it. You need to ask yourself why you keep giving her a pass, and what it is about you that makes you think you're not worth standing up for and drawing a line.
I mean .... actions have consequences, and once y'all stopped farting around and got married, she said vows that she has now violated. And there should be consequences for that.
In my opinion, you should worry WAY less about how she's gonna make it and think a lot more about the decisions you made over the past 20 years that got you here. Make some proactive choices so you don't have to walk around with this, 'Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" attitude.
Cut.her.loose. Let her figure it out. I guarantee you she will be fine and find a way to survive (i.e. another man), and when you see how easily and quickly she does, you will feel foolish for helping make it so easy for her.
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