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Am I misremembering, or did this OP also start a thread a few weeks ago about how her kids won't play independently or with each other, and are clinging to her her all day while she's trying to work?
Yep.
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Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
You are not misremembering.
And more yep.
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Originally Posted by skaternum
I can't believe people believe that anything about this situation is normal or healthy by Western standards. FOUR?? Sleeping separately because they're unwilling to help their children grow up. Unable to establish boundaries or teach the children how to entertain themselves.
After reading this and the OP's other threads, all I can say is ... please go see a family therapist. I know this sounds harsh, but your weight is the least of your problems.
The reason I emphasize that it's healthy for children to learn self-reliance (with loving guidance, to a developmentally appropriate degree for their life stage) is that I think some parents make themselves martyrs to their children, to the detriment of their own health and adult relationships, and if they realized that this ISN'T actually doing their kids any favors, maybe they'd be more likely to cut themselves some slack about not hovering over the child every hour of the day. Kids NEED to learn to regulate their own emotions and solve their own problems (again, at a developmentally appropriate level). They should feel confident that they can seek out help when they need it, but can also handle many things by themselves. Working through small, safe struggles builds their self-esteem and self-efficacy and prepares them to handle more difficult tasks later in life.
The reason I emphasize that it's healthy for children to learn self-reliance (with loving guidance, to a developmentally appropriate degree for their life stage) is that I think some parents make themselves martyrs to their children, to the detriment of their own health and adult relationships, and if they realized that this ISN'T actually doing their kids any favors, maybe they'd be more likely to cut themselves some slack about not hovering over the child every hour of the day. Kids NEED to learn to regulate their own emotions and solve their own problems (again, at a developmentally appropriate level). They should feel confident that they can seek out help when they need it, but can also handle many things by themselves. Working through small, safe struggles builds their self-esteem and self-efficacy and prepares them to handle more difficult tasks later in life.
You're phrasing your posts so well, so clearly!
And the thing is, kids don't come with a manual. It's not unusual to not know, unless you're a psychologist, what is developmentally appropriate at what age. So it's ok to turn to experts of some sort for help, to learn not only the benchmarks, but also the methods that work at any given age. The OP and her husband might find themselves relieved in a group parenting class, to find they're not the only ones who feel in over their heads and stressed.
"The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing up to one year and as long as mutually desired by the mother and the child.
Studies even have shown extended nursing has great health benefits for the child."
The problem here isn't breastfeeding alone, it's that the child can't sleep or play without mom's constant presence, either. If she was breastfeeding occasionally and also developing self-reliance, that'd be one thing, but this overall situation is not great - as illustrated by the OP complaining about being worn out and the martial conflict. Just doing away with the breastfeeding won't solve the overall problem here, but if the situation were improved I suspect the child wouldn't be looking to breastfeed anymore, either.
One reason children can be overly clingy or act in a manner more juvenile than their age is a feeling of insecurity, which continual arguments between parents could certainly provoke.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
You're phrasing your posts so well, so clearly!
Thanks!
Quote:
And the thing is, kids don't come with a manual. It's not unusual to not know, unless you're a psychologist, what is developmentally appropriate at what age. So it's ok to turn to experts of some sort for help, to learn not only the benchmarks, but also the methods that work at any given age. The OP and her husband might find themselves relieved in a group parenting class, to find they're not the only ones who feel in over their heads and stressed.
So I admit I’m in a bit of a rut now. I just turned 42, my kids are 4 and 6, I work full time and have been working full time from home since March due to the pandemic. Normally I’d be taking the train to my office and I’d have quite a bit of walking to do. Over the past year I’ve put on about 10 lbs. we have a 4 yr old who still nurses to sleep and it drives my husband crazy but I can’t seem to stop it. We’ve tried having the 4 yr old sleep with DH but she wakes up wanting me. I thought she’d ween herself but she hasn’t. I’ve gained weight and DH has a lot to say about this. Thinks I should be running, lifting etc. I would like to look better but I’m 42 and at 135 I think it could be much worse.
I’ve gained some weight but I don’t look that different. Is my DH a jerk!
Rut? You’re in quicksand
Better get that kid off the teat and getting them to sleep by themselves. You need to go sleep with your husband. He’s probably frustrated cause he’s not getting any. You’re too busy being a human pacifier to your kids.
5'5" and 135 is perfectly healthy and nowhere near overweight. In fact, I am 5'5" and that is my perfect weight, which I am striving to return to after a severe back injury.
The bigger concern is breastfeeding a four-year-old child. If I were you, I would consult a pediatrician or a child psychiatrist or child psychologist. Also maybe a marriage counselor, too.
So I admit I’m in a bit of a rut now. I just turned 42, my kids are 4 and 6, I work full time and have been working full time from home since March due to the pandemic. Normally I’d be taking the train to my office and I’d have quite a bit of walking to do. Over the past year I’ve put on about 10 lbs. we have a 4 yr old who still nurses to sleep and it drives my husband crazy but I can’t seem to stop it. We’ve tried having the 4 yr old sleep with DH but she wakes up wanting me. I thought she’d ween herself but she hasn’t. I’ve gained weight and DH has a lot to say about this. Thinks I should be running, lifting etc. I would like to look better but I’m 42 and at 135 I think it could be much worse.
I’ve gained some weight but I don’t look that different. Is my DH a jerk!
Same exact thing happened to me at that weight. My then-husband started being outright mean to me and finally admitted it was because I was "getting fat." I remember that day so well,...and how I didn't touch any food all day because of the shame I felt.
20 years later I'm 25 lbs heavier and my now-husband thinks I'm sexy af.
Not that it's a reason to divorce - that was just one of a large number of incompatibilities for us. I'm just saying, I hear you, it hurts, and that sucks.
What makes weight loss difficult is that in order to pull it off you both need to get the calories in calories out aspect right and you need to get the hormonal aspects right well. The physics is pretty straightforward you need to eat less calories than you use to take off weight and there are plenty of pretty good calorie counting software that work really well like my fitness pal or fit bit.
But the reason that some people don't have luck with calorie counting is that they are working against there hormones so if you are insulin resistant or leptin resistant and your diet isn't very clean so you are spiking your insulin levels while in calorie restriction you are going to get craving that defeat your willpower. So it helps to understand how the hormones that influence your weight work so you can have them work with you instead of against you. One of the best videos I have seen on this is by Robert Lustig.
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