Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thanks everyone for your continued input, it's been a tremendous help to me in trying to get my head and heart around this and "see the forest for the trees" and a look at things objectively.
She texted me again today, and asked if I had erased the file. I told her I had. She then asked me if I had watched it first. I told her no. Her response was "I find that hard to believe." I replied that I was telling the truth and that I had given her no reason to doubt me during our time together. Her response was "how can I believe you when you lied to me?"
I was confused, I asked her what I had lied about. During our conversation/argument yesterday she had asked me when the last time I had spoken to my ex was, I told her I was not exactly sure but that I thought it was the end of November when the ex texted me about closing out some outstanding bills since her brother had just died in an accident and she needed to help her mother (her father is also deceased). The gf responded that she had "checked" my text messages after finding the video and confirmed that the last time I had actually texted her was the first week of February.
She acknowledged that the conversation had indeed been about closing out bills and such, but said that I had obviously lied to her because end of November is not beginning of February. I responded that I had already told her I wasn't exactly sure on the exact time, but as it wasn't an important event to me I just wasn't sure. Her response in a snarky tone "how convienent."
She also said that it was even worse because this text was apparently sent out after we had started dating, proving that I had continued contact with my ex after meeting my gf. Well, technically this is true, if the date she says I had that text conversation is true, it was indeed after I had started dating my gf, about a week after...since we started dating the end of January. She also added that I ended my text conversation with the ex with something to the effect of "I hope you are doing well and take care of yourself despite all this" which to her obviously further proved I have major unresolved issues with my ex. I responded "her brother just died, I'm not a spiteful jerk, of course I would say something like that, doesn't mean I want her back." She didn't believe me.
She said that the combination of my still having the file, my "lying" about the last time I had contact with her, the playboy pics from before, and the fact that "she cheated on you but you didn't dump her right away" I just had too many "red-flags that any reasonable person would question and develop concerns over whether you're a safe long term match as a partner." She questioned if I ever actually loved her.
This about drove me nuts. I just didn't know how to respond. Every time I tried to say that she was making something out of many little nothings, she would say "oh so you think it's just all in my head!" I told her I felt like she had insecurities with my ex, and that I wasn't the one, and that she was bringing these unnecessary problems and not me. She got defensive and said I was just trying to blame her and make her sound like she was being unreasonable (I didn't clearly say yes like I probably should have).
Anyways, long story short, I left the conversation at that. I'm just sick and tired of this nonsensical and circular argument. It's like a donut, lots of outer rings of crap she has thrown up, but at the center nothing, emptiness. She is single handedly (from my perspective) destroying a good relationship based on nothing that actually happened in the relationship but on things that predate it. But I can't talk to her. Now all she does is hold up the "you lied about the dates!" as if that is fundamental proof of my sleeze ballness.
I've decided to give her a bit of time, then bluntly tell her that despite the fact that I care for her, I'm not going to participate in her attempt at destroying our relationship. Her reasons for ending the relationship have nothing to do with us, and I think it's unreasonable and immature to obsess over the past.
Either she believes me and moves forward, or we call it a day. It's just so frustrating right now to think how she really probably does believe she is the aggrieved party here and that I am a dirt ball. Just boggles my mind.
Why are you giving this chick the time of day? Are you that hung up? Was the sex THAT good? Are you that desparate to be with her? I mean really....what do you need for her to look up your a** and see what you had for dinner last night before you realize the girl is just a insecure snoop.
She has some serious self-esteem issues by continually harboring over your past relationship with your ex. So what if you texted her? You didn't ask her to come over for a roll in the hay? Does she really expect you to just drop the relationship cold turkey after 7 years?
After the pages and pages of good advice you've been given here, if you decide to continue on this trainwreck then you get what you asked for.
There's no one hot enough in this world to make me put up with that kind of drama. Well...........nope...just can't do it!
This chick is majorly insecure. Even if you two get past this issue (which is stupid and shouldn't be an issue at all), she will constantly find reasons to sabotage your relationship. I'd tell her to get lost frankly.
Keeping sex tapes of you ex around is right when you have been broken up for almost half a year? Oooooooook. That is just wrong and reeks of creepy dude.
I love how people will stick their body parts in each other but god forbid they share whats on the computer!
As far as being a lone salmon...freaking love it. I would rather be a salmon than a dirty bird going with the herd.
Perhaps you missed the part where he said he just got the the computer hard drive back ONE WEEK AGO??? He hasn't had access to this stuff "half a year"
"I explained to her that during my trip back to my parent's home about a week ago I picked up the hard drive that that file was on"
His is NOT "creepy" for pete's sake
Yeh he is creepy. People that film themselves having sex are creepy. Especially when they leave at mommy and daddy's house unattended.
Yeh..because you like to film yourselves doing it and I think its gross, trashy and creepy.
I am the one that needs meds. Thats a joke. Actually people who go to extremes to satisfy themselves sexually are the ones who should be on meds. Its a sign of a deeper rooted disturbance. They also tend to not be loyal to partners & choose ones that are not very loyal either.
So how many times have you all dealt with cheating?
Thanks everyone for your continued input, it's been a tremendous help to me in trying to get my head and heart around this and "see the forest for the trees" and a look at things objectively.
She texted me again today, and asked if I had erased the file. I told her I had. She then asked me if I had watched it first. I told her no. Her response was "I find that hard to believe." I replied that I was telling the truth and that I had given her no reason to doubt me during our time together. Her response was "how can I believe you when you lied to me?"
I was confused, I asked her what I had lied about. During our conversation/argument yesterday she had asked me when the last time I had spoken to my ex was, I told her I was not exactly sure but that I thought it was the end of November when the ex texted me about closing out some outstanding bills since her brother had just died in an accident and she needed to help her mother (her father is also deceased). The gf responded that she had "checked" my text messages after finding the video and confirmed that the last time I had actually texted her was the first week of February.
She acknowledged that the conversation had indeed been about closing out bills and such, but said that I had obviously lied to her because end of November is not beginning of February. I responded that I had already told her I wasn't exactly sure on the exact time, but as it wasn't an important event to me I just wasn't sure. Her response in a snarky tone "how convienent."
She also said that it was even worse because this text was apparently sent out after we had started dating, proving that I had continued contact with my ex after meeting my gf. Well, technically this is true, if the date she says I had that text conversation is true, it was indeed after I had started dating my gf, about a week after...since we started dating the end of January. She also added that I ended my text conversation with the ex with something to the effect of "I hope you are doing well and take care of yourself despite all this" which to her obviously further proved I have major unresolved issues with my ex. I responded "her brother just died, I'm not a spiteful jerk, of course I would say something like that, doesn't mean I want her back." She didn't believe me.
She said that the combination of my still having the file, my "lying" about the last time I had contact with her, the playboy pics from before, and the fact that "she cheated on you but you didn't dump her right away" I just had too many "red-flags that any reasonable person would question and develop concerns over whether you're a safe long term match as a partner." She questioned if I ever actually loved her.
This about drove me nuts. I just didn't know how to respond. Every time I tried to say that she was making something out of many little nothings, she would say "oh so you think it's just all in my head!" I told her I felt like she had insecurities with my ex, and that I wasn't the one, and that she was bringing these unnecessary problems and not me. She got defensive and said I was just trying to blame her and make her sound like she was being unreasonable (I didn't clearly say yes like I probably should have).
Anyways, long story short, I left the conversation at that. I'm just sick and tired of this nonsensical and circular argument. It's like a donut, lots of outer rings of crap she has thrown up, but at the center nothing, emptiness. She is single handedly (from my perspective) destroying a good relationship based on nothing that actually happened in the relationship but on things that predate it. But I can't talk to her. Now all she does is hold up the "you lied about the dates!" as if that is fundamental proof of my sleeze ballness.
I've decided to give her a bit of time, then bluntly tell her that despite the fact that I care for her, I'm not going to participate in her attempt at destroying our relationship. Her reasons for ending the relationship have nothing to do with us, and I think it's unreasonable and immature to obsess over the past.
Either she believes me and moves forward, or we call it a day. It's just so frustrating right now to think how she really probably does believe she is the aggrieved party here and that I am a dirt ball. Just boggles my mind.
You've been defending yourself all this time when, you've done nothing wrong to your GF. In fact, your GF's snooping has gotten pretty mush out of hand. One thing you must realize by now is that she'll never fully trust you or anyone else for that matter. If you stay together, you'll be hearing about this over and over in any future arguments. Is that something you want?
I think it's about time you go on the offensive. You haven't wronged her, but she's treating your past actions as having done so. I think you should explain your side in that what was past is past and if she can't get over it, maybe you both should part ways. I'd also throw in that you're done with this past part of your life and you don't want to hear about it again. I'm thinking she'll either back off or you'll part ways. In either case, you'll be better off than continuing the argument.
A person's character is most visible in stressful, difficult, or tense situations. Whether one keeps one's composure, or whether one breaks; whether one remains honest and keeps one's honor and dignity or chooses to cheat for personal gain in the belief no one will know; when one fights, how one attempts to solve the impasse, etc.
Your girlfriend's anger is justifiable to a big extent, but she's insecure. And this is a fair warning - if she find it acceptable to corner you into begging for her mercy and forgiveness after you've attempted to explain yourself (and I think your explanation is honest and reasonable), you can expect her to do this when there is a future fight.
One of my ex-girlfriends did just this. It hadn't been too long when we had our first and biggest fight, just as in your case. Didn't involve videos - I lost my composure and raised my voice at her in public. "Jane" was livid and wouldn't take my calls for 2 days. When she finally did she would only speak to me at ELEVEN PM, on a weeknight. When we spoke, she was furious and irrational, and would not accept my apologies. She raised her voice, claimed she was embarrassed by my behavior, and used previous incidents regarding my temper as more ammunition (even though those incidents were trivial).
Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, I finally capitulated, and said, "OK Jane. So you said tonight you don't wanna talk to me again, and you don't want to see me again. Which means, you're dumping me, right?"
Had she said yes, I would've gone to bed in pain, but at least it would've been over, settled, done. But no, Jane said "I don't know" and said she'd call me in a few days.
In other words, after two days of repeated (and ignored) voicemails including groveling apologies and MORE apologies by phone, Jane nonetheless felt entitled to keep me in limbo for AN ENTIRE WEEK.
Jane called me one week later, demanded to know why I'd done what I'd done (I mean - I had lost my composure; a mistake, yes, but what else did she want?), demanded a promise I'd never yell again, and then broke in tears after giving me another chance.
Never mind that when we met again for the first time after the fight she was all lovey-dovey, hugged me, etc. The damage was done. I realized during that one-week separation that if Jane reacted like this to a relatively minor fight, how would she have reacted to a serious fight 6 or 12 months later, or when we were engaged, or worse, married?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
....nope...just can't do it! 
