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Thanks again for all the replies and perspectives, even you pitt, I value all insights.
Urban, you are right, she did not "accidentally" stumble onto the file. She admitted at the time that she was intentionally snooping, and the file was in an unnamed folder amidst many other files and folders that were related to my old school work, projects, etc.
Her rationale for the snooping was that one of the first times she came over to my place, fairly early in our dating, she had hopped onto my computer to check her email or facebook or some such thing, and at that time she found a few bookmarks in my browser for some playboy centerfold type pics. She said it made her feel that I was not satisfied with her. I replied that I had been single for 6 months before ever meeting her and effectively celibate from my ex for 4 months on top of that, and that those pics had nothing to do with her, and that I no longer felt a need to look at them. The issue eventually passed, though without any true resolution, or I think belief in me on her part.
She texted me today saying she was coming over to pick up her phone charger that she had left in my car after the trip. I let her in and tried to talk to her about it. I reiterated my points and my explanations and she listened, but when I asked for her thoughts her reply was that she simply did not understand why I would not have wiped the file immediately after breaking up with my ex and that she was no longer sure she could be physical with me without feeling disgusted and thinking about my "skanky".
I'll admit that I'm frustrated. Since I've been with her I've spent virtually every free moment I have happily with her, I've told her my feelings, shown PDA, shown and expressed my desire for her, and introduced her to my friends and more importantly my family. I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like a guilty man, but find that I am starting to feel like one.
I accept her for who she is, her past is her past and none of my business, and more importantly, her past is what made her into the person that I care about today. I just feel like I am having to not only forge a new relationship with her, but rehash my painful old one so she can feel that I am as invested in her as she says she is with me.
I'm not sure how to proceed.
First, you weigh the evidence.
Exhibit A:
Depending on which OS and which version you're using, it's entirely possible that your bookmarks (the ones she "accidentally" stumbled upon, the playmate links) were the ones from the address bar, OR that you had a smart-address application which lists previous addresses based on what one is typing at the time.
ENTIRELY possible, and in her defense curiosity WOULD take over with almost anyone (although to her detriment, THAT early anyone with any sense would be wary but also know it was none of their business).
Because UNLESS it was a dynamic bookmark (click/show, type/display), her intrepid discovery of your playmate bookmarks meant she had to actively click your bookmark icon... which meant she was already actively snooping at that very early stage.
Exhibit B:
I don't know what your folders looked like on the old hard drive you had hooked up but unless the icon for the video of you and the ex was pretty blatant (only you can determine that and decide for yourself) then a more likely scenario was that (SINCE she was checking for porn specifically, based on her admission of active snooping and her reference to the earlier porn "stumble") she pulled an active yellow-dog for .jpg, .mpg, .avi, .mp4, .wmv and was looking to see what came up. Plenty of time since you were in the shower.
A quick trip (again, depending on OS) to your active search component should show what the last search was, whether through a smart-click or if you have a previous searches app, where you can check for dates.
EDIT: Correction, if you have XP that option appears to no longer be available unless she failed to clear her search criteria, and I'm not positive about that aspect, even.
Exhibit C:
Her conduct since then. We've already been over it with the exception of her bit about dropping by and picking up her cell charger, during which she told you she's not sure she can be intimate with you anymore without feeling like a skank.
That little comment should tell you everything you need to know about both what her future actions will entail with regard to any displeasure on her part AND what her opinion of you really is.
The last few days = a snapshot of any future with this woman, a future filled with snooping (she's doing this 4 months into dating and quite possibly has been for some time, since the Great Playmate Fiasco of '10, her earliest admission), accusations, unwillingness to either talk or listen and flippancy.
Point blank question: IS that what you want your future with ANYONE to be like?
If yes, then by all means go after her, keep this up until you get what you deserve. At the least you'll be actively saving someone else by keeping her preoccupied.
If no, then you have all the answer you'll ever need.
A quick little pair of mental cojones every man needs to have when dealing with these kinds of situations are shaped thusly:
Cojone Uno: How bad is this situation? How much of an irritant IS it, really?
Cojone Dos: Do I really deserve to have to put up with this? Should I really have to live this way?
Another thought on this matter:
You may think you've had 4 great months but quite honestly, either she's playing some radical games which you have no need for in your life OR she's been looking for a way to break up with you and this was actually a fortuitous event so she can feel justified and indignant.
Nevertheless, because a sex tape is much more likely to be used to humiliate the woman rather than the man, good taste dictates that it should be returned to her after the breakup -- whether or not she formally asks for it.
Destroyed, yes; returned, no.
Women are just as likely to attempt to harm a man through the use of such a thing. Seriously, being a lawyer I'd think you would consider that.
Your the one that should be mad.... 4 months in and she is already all on your computer....what else did she check? emails, all mpegs, and forum posts?
after explaining it and she still isnt back? just move on... if she is smart she will come back
I didn't actually mean to ask him to send it to me. When people miss the humour between those lines, that's really unfortunate.
Ah, it was a joke. My bad. I was amused at the 180 you pulled, going from, "Dude, dude, send it to me! Send it to me! I want to see!" to harrumphing and calling the OP a bunch of nasty names.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka
I am not taking it back. Normal people don't make sex tapes. It takes whacked out ones to make it. Those that appear on howard stern or jerry springer.
Ant, if LovesMountains--one of the more conservative female posters here--doesn't see a problem with a man and his girlfriend of seven years fooling around on tape, then perhaps you're the one who's out in left field. I thought we had already established you were a little clueless about a few things, or don't you remember the gym locker room incident?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka
Champ still needs to divulge details as to why the new girlfriend is truly worried about the tape or its content. Imagine snooping through someone's computer and finding child porn. Would you actually find the person doing the snooping at fault? It's a world full of creeps. That's my whole point.
What does child porn, the illegal exploitation of children, have to do with consensual activity between two adults?
Okay, maybe they should get together and destroy it together. If he destroys it on his own, how can she be sure he's actually done it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
Women are just as likely to attempt to harm a man through the use of such a thing.
Actually, it's a lot less likely. If he goes into politics, or he is married, or the girl is underage, a tape like that is potentially very harmful. But outside of those situations, simply publishing a recording of a man ****ing is much less likely to destroy his life than a similar revelation about a woman. Merely posting the video online would humiliate her, not him. This is not to say that women are less likely to take advantage of an opportunity to hurt an ex if one presents itself -- but different attitudes in our society about the significance of sexual exposure for men and women dictate that a recording like that isn't harmful to the parties to nearly the same degree. That said, I would agree that a better idea would be to get together and destroy it together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
Seriously, being a lawyer I'd think you would consider that.
Being a lawyer, I've come across a number of defamation cases, mostly in research, involving sexual activity -- and clearly, courts and juries (at least in my states) are much more likely to find that a claim "So-and-so ****ed so-and-so" isn't defamatory to a man, but is to a woman.
The woman was right in every single way, even the stupidest one, to be concerned about being in a relationship with a creepy, sexual deviant
This is probably the worst post here hahaha
A deviant? Really? I guess some people in the world only have sex in one position, in the same place, the same way everytime. The rest of us are deviants? lol Save the moral judgements for another thread please!
Normal adults do make videos.
A deviant would have been recording without the others consent. he didn't do that. nothing deviant that he has admitted yet.
Being a lawyer, I've come across a number of defamation cases, mostly in research, involving sexual activity -- and clearly, courts and juries (at least in my states) are much more likely to find that a claim "So-and-so ****ed so-and-so" isn't defamatory to a man, but is to a woman.
It may well be, and I'm sure variation is more likely region to region than just state to state. I was, however, speaking more of the attempt than any degree of success, and I'll definitely stand by that one.
I was, however, speaking more of the attempt than any degree of success, and I'll definitely stand by that one.
Don't you think, though, that the likelihood of success has an impact on the likelihood of an attempt? Also, if a recording like that is more harmful to the woman's reputation than to the man's, wouldn't that serve as a disincentive for her against publishing it? Or maybe I'm just crazy in presuming people act rationally.
Don't you think, though, that the likelihood of success has an impact on the likelihood of an attempt? Also, if a recording like that is more harmful to the woman's reputation than to the man's, wouldn't that serve as a disincentive for her against publishing it? Or maybe I'm just crazy in presuming people act rationally.
To you and me, yes. YOU would look and say it's not worth it, too much potential for harm all around. I would look and say it's not worth it, for the same reason. The people with whom we most typically associate -- same thing, for a goodly portion.
I will point out once more that you're PRESUMING logic on the part of folks at large. Logic is desirable, logic would be better, I'd dance the Snoopy dance in utter bliss if that really was the way folks thought or behaved (and the picture of a barrel-chested fat guy in work boots makes that worth seeing).
Now -- IS it the way MOST people, at least in this country, think or behave? Aye, there's the rub...
Last edited by Urban Sasquatch; 05-26-2010 at 06:55 AM..
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